What next

[Unhappy15]

Hello Rosebush,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I identify so well with all of it. I had the same, there were violent outbursts, I was slammed against walls but for me it finally ended when he came in at four in the morning and slapped me across the face and tried to drag me out of bed by my ankle.I managed to fight him off because I knew if he got me on he floor I would have been in serious trouble. He was admitted to hospital and was sectioned after hitting a male nurse, that made the decision for for me and as much as I feel guilty I just could not face the risk of being alone in the house with him, so he is now in care.
I do hope things get better for you,but please don't put yourself in danger, none of us deserve that.
Kathy xx

 

[cuppatea]

Rosebush how dreadful. How was the rest of the night? How are you now? Xx

 

[Rosebush]

Thank you everybody for replying at the moment everything is ok, it's like he is 2 different people! So he could change at any time. We are going to my sons soon for a coffee and chat (maybe to decide what to do next). I will let you know how I get on at the doctors(if I can get an appointment!)x

 

[kindred]

Hello Rosebush,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I identify so well with all of it. I had the same, there were violent outbursts, I was slammed against walls but for me it finally ended when he came in at four in the morning and slapped me across the face and tried to drag me out of bed by my ankle.I managed to fight him off because I knew if he got me on he floor I would have been in serious trouble. He was admitted to hospital and was sectioned after hitting a male nurse, that made the decision for for me and as much as I feel guilty I just could not face the risk of being alone in the house with him, so he is now in care.
I do hope things get better for you,but please don't put yourself in danger, none of us deserve that.
Kathy xx

sweetheart, what you went through ... Geraldinexx

 

[kindred]

Thank you for listening. Should we be reduced to the kind of wrecks these incidents bring us to? I am still recovering from what I went through because there was so much of it and our brains respond badly to repeated negative and frightening patterns. I do not think our minds can make sense of an insane person taking precedence over us, the sane ones, the way we have to placate, not argue ... Please God we can recover at the far side of this. At the moment, my brain is in denial and will not let me access what a terrible time I went through. I kept diaries and try not to look at them. I may shred them soon. Rant over, well, no not a rant. An observation, sensible I hope.

 

[Unhappy15]

Good morning Geraldine,
Like you, it makes me feel sad what we have to endure and whilst you are in the thick of it the whole thing becomes the norm. It feels as though you stagger from day to day just about holding everything together. I so understand that when you look back you cannot believe it all happened and although the guilt and loneliness can be crushing at least when the person with dementia is in care you have some peace and safety in your own home. I suppose it must be like any traumatic event, I just hope that the memories of it will fade or perhaps grow easier to live with in time.
Enjoy this beautiful day, best wishes to all on TP
Kathy xx

 

[maryjoan]

Hi,everybody, well today has been the worst ever! OH decided he was going to go out but I wouldn't give him the key I could see the rage in his eyes as he ran across the room and I really thought he was going to strangle me I managed to get my phone and before I knew it I'd dialed999, the police stayed for over an hour calming OH down and also phoned for an ambulance to get him checked over. So first thing Monday I am making a doctors appointment as the police said his dementia is really quite advanced and also to contact the social services to see about respite care, the ambulance man says I should be entitled to 6 weeks care.OH is sat watching the tv at the moment as if nothing had happened can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow.Can't say I'm happy about calling the police but it's made me realise I can't ignore it any longer. Hope you have all had a better day.x

The dementia does sound to be pretty advanced - you need help from outside agencies - social services, carers services etc etc if you have not already done this. NO ONE should be coping as you are without help.

I was very dogged when I asked for help - and now we have direct payments to enable us both to do things - we no longer have a car as he has lost his license, and I gave up driving because of sight problems.

I hope you get the respite you need but be really insistent because SS will realise that without you caring for him, they are frankly , stuffed, and will need to fund alternative care.... It's hard, very hard indeed, but go for it... we are here to help you .....

 

[maryjoan]

Thank you for listening. Should we be reduced to the kind of wrecks these incidents bring us to? I am still recovering from what I went through because there was so much of it and our brains respond badly to repeated negative and frightening patterns. I do not think our minds can make sense of an insane person taking precedence over us, the sane ones, the way we have to placate, not argue ... Please God we can recover at the far side of this. At the moment, my brain is in denial and will not let me access what a terrible time I went through. I kept diaries and try not to look at them. I may shred them soon. Rant over, well, no not a rant. An observation, sensible I hope.

Sensible indeed - I get it totally - I started my autobiography for my kids and grandkids ( being a genealogist, that's an instinct I suppose) I have got to 1988 and cannot make myself go further, because I don't want my kids to know what the next 30 years turned out like...can you believe it? 30 years of something I do not want to even look at|??

There is an 'after' to dementia, if we can all find it.....

and grandkids, flowers, and birds, and hedgehogs.....etc...etc..

 

[kindred]

Good morning Geraldine,
Like you, it makes me feel sad what we have to endure and whilst you are in the thick of it the whole thing becomes the norm. It feels as though you stagger from day to day just about holding everything together. I so understand that when you look back you cannot believe it all happened and although the guilt and loneliness can be crushing at least when the person with dementia is in care you have some peace and safety in your own home. I suppose it must be like any traumatic event, I just hope that the memories of it will fade or perhaps grow easier to live with in time.
Enjoy this beautiful day, best wishes to all on TP
Kathy xx

Kathy, good morning to you and thank you so much. Yes, we do stagger from day to day, we certainly do. I think memories grow lighter in time, we find some meaning from it all somehow! What about you? How are you doing sweetheart? Yes, is another fabulous day!!!
love and best, Geraldinexx thank you.

 

[Rosebush]

Hi everybody OH ok at the moment, we went to my sons yesterday and for a change he actually joined in although most of the time he was playing with our 9year old grand daughter! Bouncing up and down on the trampoline I wish I had taken a photo. I don't drink but my son gave me a big glass of baileys, half an hour later he made me a coffee with more Bailey's in it, don't remember much about the walk home! Before I forget the police said I need to get poa, does anybody know how I go about it? I haven't a clue where to start. Thanks again for all your repliesx

 

[DeMartin]

Hi everybody OH ok at the moment, we went to my sons yesterday and for a change he actually joined in although most of the time he was playing with our 9year old grand daughter! Bouncing up and down on the trampoline I wish I had taken a photo. I don't drink but my son gave me a big glass of baileys, half an hour later he made me a coffee with more Bailey's in it, don't remember much about the walk home! Before I forget the police said I need to get poa, does anybody know how I go about it? I haven't a clue where to start. Thanks again for all your repliesx

Goggle POA, this will take you to the government website, print off the instructions and forms. Some people do it themselves, some get a solicitor to do it. Some debate on posts as which is best. It’s best to get finance and health at same time. Age concern also do a leaflet on this. Read it through and come back with queries.

 

[Rosebush]

Hi, Well for a change I've had a good day. Took OH to age uk to men in sheds, he did struggle but was ok so I left him while I chatted to the staff and have arranged for him to go to day care we will go on Thursday to see how he gets on, it's £36 a day but the told me to contact the memory clinic as it could be reduced to £6.95 I hope they are right,I will let you know how we get on. Hope you all have a peaceful nightx

 

[maryjoan]

Hi, Well for a change I've had a good day. Took OH to age uk to men in sheds, he did struggle but was ok so I left him while I chatted to the staff and have arranged for him to go to day care we will go on Thursday to see how he gets on, it's £36 a day but the told me to contact the memory clinic as it could be reduced to £6.95 I hope they are right,I will let you know how we get on. Hope you all have a peaceful nightx

Just regarding PoA - do it soon as poss. He has to have 'capability' to understand what it is all about and sign accordingly and it be witnessed. If he no longer has capability, then it could be a case of going to court.......

 

[kindred]

Hi, Well for a change I've had a good day. Took OH to age uk to men in sheds, he did struggle but was ok so I left him while I chatted to the staff and have arranged for him to go to day care we will go on Thursday to see how he gets on, it's £36 a day but the told me to contact the memory clinic as it could be reduced to £6.95 I hope they are right,I will let you know how we get on. Hope you all have a peaceful nightx

Lovely about the men in sheds, well done. Wish they had a carers in sheds group. Yes, please do let us know how you get on. I've been published in the times correspondence page this morning with a letter about the plight of us carers. At least thousands will read it ... Wish I could do more. Lovely to hear from you.

 

[Rosebush]

Hi, everybody, going for a blood test tomorrow and a scan when the appointment comes through as the x-ray didn't show anything wrong,anyway the good news is the car is now sitting on my daughters drive so OH can't see it every time he looks out of the window she also took it for its mot so my son can sell it for me hopefully on tuesday, the only problem is OH still thinks he is getting it back even though he 's been told that it's being sold.! the other good news is he should be going to day care this week, we went for an hour on thursday he wasn 't happy at first but after a coffee and biscuits he seemed to settle we even joined in the quiz, well I did. I will let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

 

[maryjoan]

I have just hit a milestone today - by finally taking his bank card off him. I feel awful about it - but he was spending money he did not have - just on lottery tickets and other rubbish - nothing 'proper'.

Myself and his son have PoA, and we had arranged last year for OH to have a 'pocket money' account which I would keep topped up from the household account. I started topping up £50 per week as spending money, then £60/£70/£80 - today I topped up £100 today, and it is still overdrawn.

His son, who shares PoA with me, and I have decided to ask OH for his 'pocket money' bank card - and I will give him cash in hand pocket money each week and when it is gone it is gone.

He did not seem to understand why I was taking this action - but did not create, and did hand his bank card over. I assured him I cannot use it, as I do not know the pin.

Why then, do I feel so awful at taking this step, when he is completely unconcerned??

I suppose it's because it is another step in this disease.

 

[Rosebush]

Hi, everybody at last the car has gone, but OH still thinks he will get it back even though we have told him over and over that he can no longer drive. I knew today was going to be a bad day as he would not have a shower and was ready with his coat hat and gloves on to go out to town at 8.30am.We got back from town had lunch and he started banging on the door and shouting for me to let him out because he wanted to go to Suzuki as he blames them for taking the car I tried to explain that is nothing to do with them but he wouldn't listen and said he was going to kill them! I still don't know how I talked him out of it but he eventually calmed down and I persuaded him to go for a walk with the dog and when We got back I gave him some simple jobs in the garden. At the moment he's ok watching tv but I know tomorrow will probably be the same.I just wish I could book a cruise and leave him to it. Thanks for all your repliesx

 

[kindred]

Hi, everybody at last the car has gone, but OH still thinks he will get it back even though we have told him over and over that he can no longer drive. I knew today was going to be a bad day as he would not have a shower and was ready with his coat hat and gloves on to go out to town at 8.30am.We got back from town had lunch and he started banging on the door and shouting for me to let him out because he wanted to go to Suzuki as he blames them for taking the car I tried to explain that is nothing to do with them but he wouldn't listen and said he was going to kill them! I still don't know how I talked him out of it but he eventually calmed down and I persuaded him to go for a walk with the dog and when We got back I gave him some simple jobs in the garden. At the moment he's ok watching tv but I know tomorrow will probably be the same.I just wish I could book a cruise and leave him to it. Thanks for all your repliesx

Oh hard one, sweetheart, hard one. You must have been completely worn out. I wish you could go on that cruise, too. Rid of the car, but kind of being punished for it. I am so so sorry. How are you this morning? Gxx

 

[Rosebush]

Oh hard one, sweetheart, hard one. You must have been completely worn out. I wish you could go on that cruise, too. Rid of the car, but kind of being punished for it. I am so so sorry. How are you this morning? Gxx

Thanks, today I woke up before 6am OH was snoring and I hoped he didn't wake when I went to the bathroom I was in luck he didn't wake till I got up at 8.45 and for a change he was in a good mood he didn't even moan when I suggested a shower although he wouldn't change his trousers or shirt at least he changed his pants and socks!,we went for our usual trip on the bus to town, I never thought I would say this but I am so sick of shopping guess what we will be doing tomorrow at least next week he will be going to day care on Tuesday I haven't told him yet what's the point he'll only forget. Lxx

 

[kindred]

Thanks, today I woke up before 6am OH was snoring and I hoped he didn't wake when I went to the bathroom I was in luck he didn't wake till I got up at 8.45 and for a change he was in a good mood he didn't even moan when I suggested a shower although he wouldn't change his trousers or shirt at least he changed his pants and socks!,we went for our usual trip on the bus to town, I never thought I would say this but I am so sick of shopping guess what we will be doing tomorrow at least next week he will be going to day care on Tuesday I haven't told him yet what's the point he'll only forget. Lxx

Oh my dear, so good to hear from you. So pleased OH in a reasonable mood. Not long until Tuesday. My OH used to say what's next, after every activity, even going to the loo ... I used to feel like saying, well, next up is a dinosaur comes in the back door and eats you up, but being as I am a loving human being, I never did ...Gxx