Advice needed.....or just support.

[Princess t]

Hi this might end up as a very big ramble so sorry in advance.
Very stressful week....first 930am Tuesday morning, carer phoned sister mom, fall, found in kitchen. Been there all night. Paramedics called. Nothing done. Found out she has uti.on antibiotics. She had been on floor since 10 the other night.no heating on, mom turned it off. Lucky she didn't freeze to death. Wednesday spent all afternoon with her, mental wise very good not much confusion.but her mobility virtually zero. She fell asleep at dining table unable to get off chair. I helped her to lounge and settee. Carers report in book says mobility no good also found in bed at 10 am when they went to give her breakfast etc,, weed bed as couldn't get up. I reported to sister who has put herself in charge...enough said on that..I got up Thursday messages on phone...mom had fall. No idea why I didn't hear phone.....sister and brother in law been with mom since 4 am when police broke in and got paramedics out....apparently paramedics put her back in bed and left. Sister stayed with her....mom weed bed....I got there 8am sister trying to phone local doc finally had to go to surgery, doc supposed to come out lunch time. Mom in bed snoring..bed wet again. Mom got up 11am both my sisters ther plus me. Much hard work to get her out of bed and wet clothes. Mom totally confused . No idea who I was ...first time...didn't recognise home...I went to work as mom now waiting for doc and sisters staying with her....finally 3pm doc came out only because sister phoned sw doc didn't see the point in visiting... Mom desperate for loo. Doc helped stand her. But didn't help moving her so mom sat down. He said he would get emergency response unit might take three hrs. Might send her to hospital might be carer for 24 hrs might be care home, he didn't know.....said had left everything too long to sort that day....nurses finally came 9pm plus 24 hr carer plus her normal carers. Basically nurses saw her and called 999 wanted her admitted to hospital . Unable to walk. Ambulance came 11pm didn't leave moms till 12am sat in hospital a And e till 5am. No bed for mom. Mom wet through. Unable to move. So mom said. Nurses got her up washed and changed her. Sisters left her there for assessment. I phoned hospital 10am nothing sorted no X Ray no extra antibiotics. They asked if I would like to speak to mom. Mom sounded ok on phone. Wanted to give sisters a break from mom and go visit hospital.so got in touch with both .eldest one says hospital had been on phone and they wanted mom in care home for a week till uti sorted mom had been spoken to and they said she was of sound mind.....mom agrees with everything just to shut you up!! Then goes balistic..sister had to go as mom demanded she sorted it. Mom also refusing antibiotics saying alurgic. I wasn't needed as sisters wanted to go. Middle sister says mom was away with the fairies no idea what was happening. Other sister tells me mom extremely angry, doesn't want to go in home. No mention of X Ray. Mom still wee img herself nurses not bothered. Told sisters to clean her up. So now today waiting to get mom in local home. Could be anytime. They did say it could be anywhere in country but it is at the moment a local one.......I just can't understand why they won't treat her in hospital and check out her hip arm and leg for breakages. My sisters have been great but I am getting comments from them saying they are too old etc to do this.to me it feels like I'm being pushed out, I'm saying I will help or visit etc but they want to do it. They might be trying to protect me as I'm the youngest or they just feel they need her gone into care so they don't have to do much, I just don't know, all I know is it's stressful horrible mind numbing. Been on phone just to oldest sister, I asked if she wanted me to get day clothes etc for mom and help...I can drive she can't..she said she's waiting for nursing home to phone will take clothes then she's going away for a couple of days..............................Monday moms house is being made a bit safer for her return. Bet I'm not wanted for that either....I feel they are trying to gain brownie points....not sure what I should do or not do. My biggest fear is I don't want to go to care home to visit mom....I know that's wrong..can't help it...sorry I will shut up now.....think I will scrub my house from top to bottom feeling very useless at the moment.

 

[canary]

((((hugs))))) princess T
What a stressful time. I do hope that by now your mum is safe and being looked after.
You said "My biggest fear is I don't want to go to care home to visit mom....I know that's wrong..can't help it" and Id like to say that you dont actually have to. Why not phone and ask someone how she is instead?

 

[Princess t]

Well what a change a few days can make.....mom spent twenty four hrs in hospital then sent to a local care home for rabilitation. Not known at the moment for how long. Mom was so adamant she would never end up in care. But after visiting her ands seeing how she is.........it's great.......mom loves it!! I love it....but they can only keep her for a max if four weeks as its for rehab and rest. It's run by the council and nhs. The staff are amazing....so if there's anyone out there as worried as I was the weekend. Just give it a try! Moms got a long way to go..she says she doesn't want to go back home...but it is being set up to make safe..sw..idea..but who known..big meeting tomorrow.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Princess t
good to read that your mum is safe and actually happy in the care home
maybe, just maybe this is the moment to grasp at and push for a permanent move, rather than a return home to the carers and the existing situation, even with alterations to the house - hopefully your sisters may see and appreciate the difference you have witnessed - esp as your mum herself

says she doesn't want to go back home

best wishes

 

[Princess t]

Long meeting with sw and occupational therapist. Mom coming home Friday. She is stressed to heaven. Finding walking hard. House being made safe today along with a falls braclet. Mom has told me she can't remember home and wants a care home. But the therapist kept saying to mom , you want to go home, don't you? Mom just says I suppose so. So they are giving her a week to see how she gets on. They asked her if she understood the meeting.....mom didn't answer .....started fidgeting and heavy breathing. I feel so so sorry for her. I think because she's funded by the state we don't really have much say. Mom has four carers a day plus things to keep her safe so that's ok. Can't fault in any way the care she's getting in the care home at all, just wish she could stay.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Princess t
maybe write to them and say you've had time to consider the meeting and want to have your reactions on file
then write our a list of the observations you make in your post
- She is stressed to heaven
- Finding walking hard.
- Mom has told me she can't remember home
- Mom wants a care home.
- the therapist kept saying to mom , you want to go home, don't you? Mom just says I suppose so - ie these were leading questions, prompts rather than questions - and such interactions confuse someone with dementia, in fact influence the person to give the implied answer
- They asked her if she understood the meeting = again a question hard to answer even if you have full capacity!!
- mom didn't answer ..... which is an answer in itself; and also confirmation of her inability to take in the situation
- started fidgeting and heavy breathing = body language that screams out confusion and distress and should have been acknowledged by professionals
- list out your own concerns
end by saying you are writing because, on reflection, you are worried that you didn't sufficiently get your concerns and your mom's wishes and wanted to make them clear

probably won't make any difference - but good to have it on record so can be referred back to if necessary - sorry if too bossy

at least you are happy with the home care visits
best wishes

 

[Princess t]

hello Princess t
maybe write to them and say you've had time to consider the meeting and want to have your reactions on file
then write our a list of the observations you make in your post
- She is stressed to heaven
- Finding walking hard.
- Mom has told me she can't remember home
- Mom wants a care home.
- the therapist kept saying to mom , you want to go home, don't you? Mom just says I suppose so - ie these were leading questions, prompts rather than questions - and such interactions confuse someone with dementia, in fact influence the person to give the implied answer
- They asked her if she understood the meeting = again a question hard to answer even if you have full capacity!!
- mom didn't answer ..... which is an answer in itself; and also confirmation of her inability to take in the situation
- started fidgeting and heavy breathing = body language that screams out confusion and distress and should have been acknowledged by professionals
- list out your own concerns
end by saying you are writing because, on reflection, you are worried that you didn't sufficiently get your concerns and your mom's wishes and wanted to make them clear

probably won't make any difference - but good to have it on record so can be referred back to if necessary - sorry if too bossy

at least you are happy with the home care visits
best wishes

Thankyou so much for replying...means a lot. And yes I think I will put it all in writing, as you say probably won't make a difference!

 

[Princess t]

Panic buttons

Hi
Any one got any experience with panic buttons worn round neck? Mom coming home from care tomorrow and one been fitted at her house. She had one a few yrs ago but had it removed, never used it. The one fitted yesterday goes off if she falls. And she can also press button if she needs to. I'm just wondering. What do the callers do if we arnt around to assist. We will be 99% of the time and I am hoping my other sisters are on list for contact....I haven't set this up eldest sister has. With the button my mom has to press I'm worried she just won't press it!! What happens if she just drops the fall one? Just things buzzing round in my head....silly really. Can read manual that's at moms but would just line to know of other people's experiences with them.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Princess t
dad wore one as a pendant around his neck and surprisingly he did press it - it was linked up to the landline and an operator answered him (I think an automated message first told him that someone would speak to him in a moment) - dad was able to speak with the operator who kept him calm and tried to work out what was going on - the system called me and filled me in - if I wasn't available it then called my sibling - if the operator felt it necessary they also had the option of immediately calling emergency services - when I was called out, the operator kept on the line, talking to dad so he wasn't left without someone to check on him
he did press the button a few times, just to find out what it was - the operators always dealt with this kindly and if they thought he was overly confused, let me know
he got used to wearing the pendant as it was put on him every day - I think I even left it on when he went to day centre, just so he felt it was always there - though I had to take off his tracker watch as when I forgot, the operator called me to tell me where he was, quite rightly, and I felt a bit silly
dad also had a door monitor linked to this system - it was that which let me know he'd wandered in the middle of the night so I got him back within half an hour
the system isn't foolproof but definitely is worth having

 

[Pickles53]

My mum had the fall monitor version. Sadly when the fall happened, she didn't remember how to press the button (or maybe wouldn't) and the alarm did not trigger automatically. This was 3 years ago so maybe the technology has improved so I'd ask how it works. I was told (after the event)it may not go off if someone 'slides' to the floor more gradually rather than having a sudden drop.

Would recommend a keysafe (get the special police- and insurance-approved one only, about £100 fitted) as if the alarm does trigger and you aren't around they will get paramedics out and they have no choice but to break in if they can't get access. In fact I think the Careline service where mum lived insisted on a keysafe and they made sure we got a proper one.

 

[Princess t]

My mum had the fall monitor version. Sadly when the fall happened, she didn't remember how to press the button (or maybe wouldn't) and the alarm did not trigger automatically. This was 3 years ago so maybe the technology has improved so I'd ask how it works. I was told (after the event)it may not go off if someone 'slides' to the floor more gradually rather than having a sudden drop.

Would recommend a keysafe (get the special police- and insurance-approved one only, about £100 fitted) as if the alarm does trigger and you aren't around they will get paramedics out and they have no choice but to break in if they can't get access. In fact I think the Careline service where mum lived insisted on a keysafe and they made sure we got a proper one.

We already have an aproved key safe. Will check with my sister to see if she's let the alarm people know code. Also gave the code and our phone numbers to a couple of neighbours. Mom wouldn't let any one have details in past but tough luck they do now!!

 

[Princess t]

Back home

Well my lovely mom was dropped back home lunchtime yesterday......she hates it..very confused no idea where any of the rooms are and what's in them. Had to explain over and over her routine. Panic button put round her neck. She set it off!! Went into melt down over it. Calmed her. Left her in the care of carers. Night time carer put her to bed. 5am sister got call from alarm people mom pressing button very confused. She had button in care home to call for loo in night...so when sister got there mom in bed but wet. Wanted toilet! She had pressed button several times. Sister sat with her after cleaning her up. Mom very angry doent want to be home. Very scared. So think it's now time to see sw and get her in home. Myself and sister on holiday soon. Do have other sister but lives abit further than us. Wonder if she could just have temp home care whilst we are away then sort permanent home when we are back? The respite care home have noted in her records mom has mild dementia only....think that's wrong. She also has altzimers which they seem to have been un aware of.

 

[Princess t]

Yet another fun day

My sister stayed the night with my mom on Sunday....mom just refuses to get out of bed at night to go to toilet, panic button pressed Sunday morning my hubby went down to find my naked mom in bed of wee!! Mom confused and crying. Hence my sister staying night. Now mom refusing to go to bed ever again. Very scared. Had district nurse to see her yesterday mom still has slight water infection and blood in wee. Before nurse came mom dosing of settee. Not paying any attention , when needing toilet taking two of us to get her off settee. When nurse came. Wam off settee by self, walked to loo by self. Said we thought she had dementia but she is fine. Nurse sat with her a while and asked her what she wanted to do. Mom tells her she likes living in her own home. Doesn't want to go in care. Then she started crying saying it's all to much for her daughters and she needs putting away. It's so heart braking. Sw got us a night sitter last night. He's not happy as he wanted mom to have a week at home to see how she's been, he wants us not to run to her he very need. But if you could just see how he is....it's terrible.
What I'm really on here for us mom is funded mpby the local council as savings under the limit. She will have a house to sell but not worth more than £60,000. Sw had told us she will have to find the first £400 each week for care home. Someone else we know is totally funded by council so my sister is totally confused. I've warned her because mom has four carers aday we may get a bill for her night carer.....10hrs last night hopefully same tonight.....she says mom has a bit of money so she doesn't care....what happens when mom has no money to help with costs?........

 

[Jessbow]

Social worker shouldnt be telling you about cost of residential care - Mum will have a financial assessment and from that, her contribution to costs will be calculated. With her own house ( to sell) her contribution is likely to be pretty much the whole cost ( which will, without a doubt) be in excess of £400.

Wait until its properly assessed- Mrs Brown down the road my well be in a different position

 

[Princess t]

Social worker shouldnt be telling you about cost of residential care - Mum will have a financial assessment and from that, her contribution to costs will be calculated. With her own house ( to sell) her contribution is likely to be pretty much the whole cost ( which will, without a doubt) be in excess of £400.

Wait until its properly assessed- Mrs Brown down the road my well be in a different position

Ok thanks

 

[arielsmelody]

... Sw got us a night sitter last night. He's not happy as he wanted mom to have a week at home to see how she's been, he wants us not to run to her he very need. ... I've warned her because mom has four carers aday we may get a bill for her night carer.....10hrs last night hopefully same tonight.....she says mom has a bit of money so she doesn't care....what happens when mom has no money to help with costs?........

My MIL had carers funded by the local authority and a night sitter which she paid for from her own savings. The situation got a bit complicated, but for a few weeks before she went into residential care the social worker was able to arrange for her to have a night sitter paid for by the local authority. If it has been arranged by the social worker as just a temporary thing while she settles home, they do have a little bit of flexibility so fingers crossed it will be included as part of your mum's care package and covered by the contribution she already makes.

 

[Princess t]

My MIL had carers funded by the local authority and a night sitter which she paid for from her own savings. The situation got a bit complicated, but for a few weeks before she went into residential care the social worker was able to arrange for her to have a night sitter paid for by the local authority. If it has been arranged by the social worker as just a temporary thing while she settles home, they do have a little bit of flexibility so fingers crossed it will be included as part of your mum's care package and covered by the contribution she already makes.

Thank you for replying...since my post we have been told last nights carer was included in her package but no more....sw then came back to us saying he's found a care home ten mins from us. Going to have a look with mom this after noon. Mom wants care home so how's the time to try to get her settled.....

 

[Jessbow]

Good, take note of the thing that matter to you, and if hey meet yur requirements, go for it.
Don't sign anything until a financial assessment has been done. Make sure you know what the charges are and who is paying the bill.

 

[Princess t]

My mom will have been in care one week tomorrow, she's settling in very well, likes it. Looks so much better, but she can't remember who's visited her, she's great when you are there, asking all the right questions, but once you've gone she's forgotten you have been.

 

[Spamar]

Par for the course, I'm afraid.