Books To help me

[Kjn]

Hi
I wonder if any of you can recommend any books to deal with behaviour , not necessarily dementia as its more to do with my mil , she has a depressive personality, very manipulative and can be pretty nasty (words) not aggression .
I'm trying to find a way of understanding and handling her and not sure where to start as doesn't have a ' diagnosis ' type theme I can go off.
Any ideas appreciated xx K

Should this be in tearoom with other book thread?

 

[Quilty]

Hello, I had a very difficult and controlling Mother. When I started looking I found "borderline personality disorder". If you google this you find lots of help for people dealing with individuals like this in their life. They say about 8-10% of the population have this. It saved my sanity as it suddenly had a name. I read a few things but website are a great start and are free

Amazon - walking on eggshells is good

Best advice - Don't explain, don't apologise when they are acting out. Saying very calmly- I am not prepared to allow you to treat me like this/talk to me like this and very calmly leaving. It works! I was 48 years old when I finally took charge of how I was being treated. After this just saying "I will leave if you continue behaving this way" is enough to stop them in their tracks. It is being adult and taking charge.

Best of luck. If you get angry they win the argument. Stay calm and you stay in control.
Love
Quilty

 

[Kjn]

Thanks Quilty,
I shall have a google at that.

Yes confrontation she enjoys, she starts arguments when she is here.
X

 

[Owly]

Some people feed off arguments, so you could try looking up "emotional vampire" too. The key is not to respond argumentatively, even if you know they're wrong and you're right. Don't give them the food they're craving.

If she comes out with nasty, abusive words (criticisms, judgements), I agree with Quilty that you should calmly prepare to walk away and say you'll come back another time when she's in a better mood. If she's visiting your house, then it's more tricky but you can leave the room, or even suggest that she must be feeling tired and isn't it time she left?

If you think that narcissism (intense self-focus and doing everyone else 'down') may sum her up, then we've had threads on that if you would like to use the search function at the top of the page. There are also some helpful websites, such as "daughters of narcissistic mothers" etc.

 

[Kjn]

Thanks owly
The problem I have is I'm stuck in the middle half the time , OH isn't keen to deal with his mother alone and if I'm not around it's the , I don't like her, I'm avoiding her routine.
I will certainly walk away and try to keep out of it tbh but she does seem to enjoy the "attention" however she creates it and with who ever she can find.
I shall look up all those and see what description we can best dress her with
X

 

[Owly]

Does she actually have dementia, as you said in the first post that this wasn't really about dementia.

Do you think that she can modify her behaviour? It might be worth you and you OH deciding on a strategy when his Mum starts to act out. If you walk away, then he can explain to his Mum that having arguments makes you feel ill and out-of-sorts, and that criticisms of you aren't fair.

Then see how she responds to that.

If she directs her argumentativeness at him, he could try the same tactic. No-one should just become a whipping-post for another person, even if that other person does have dementia. You wouldn't take it from a child, and that is how people with dementia end up. You tell them quite firmly what you find acceptable. This has been done with success, and described on this forum a few times.

 

[Kjn]

No she doesn't have dementia .
Since fil died we have realised she masked herself via him. Since she has stayed here now numerous times since January , she has really shown her true colours.
A lot of pieces are clicking together and we now have a bigger picture, her friends however we feel may be being used in her emotional game too.
X

 

[Owly]

Hopefully, there isn't a plan to make her stays into a permanent residency with you? It sounds as if there is a risk she is trying to become Queen of the Castle.

You've rightly supported her after the death of her spouse, but you could now start to reduce the invitations, I'm sure. Encourage her to be independent of you, amuse herself?

 

[Kjn]

I hope not !
We are an hour away and live very remote which she isn't keen on , she prefers hustle , bustle and being able to walk to shops . She has a lot of friends of hers or fil close by as has lived there long time.
We arnt inviting her, she is inviting herself . OH an only child , what can he say to her.
She can't seem to be in her own for an afternoon now as since she returned home friends have rallied round and filled her time, we feel she is now over reliant on these visits and outing. oH has had this conversation with her the other day when we found out she deliberately rang one family member with her woes of being sad and alone as she knew they would invite her out (told to OH by herself when confronted) , the following day she then went to another friend who ended up on the phone to OH pretty much suggesting mil has massive moments of sadness and grief (of which we know and she has admitted has had none) , friend suggesting we arnt doing enough . What she is saying to all these friends we have no idea but clearly way off the actual facts .

 

[Batsue]

Kerry, I think you need to persuade OH to stand back a bit, try using very busy with work as the excuse, I am not suggesting abandoning her completely but she will have to learn to be on her own sometime. If she gets used to being with you a lot of the time it will be more difficult to sort out later. I am afraid you will need to grow some armour to protect you from her friends opinions. Hoping you can find a solution xxx.

 

[Kjn]

Believe me sue we are trying to distance ourselves, luckily I guess we do work odd hours and work through weekends. He thought perhaps once a month for her to come stay , lengthening it a bit between stays. How that goes down ? If we didn't work from home she couldn't keep staying ..he has explained this also.
We are starting another job tomorrow which is a month.

When mil was here a fortnight after fil's death all friends and families were instructing her and us she needed to go home .

I think she knows who she can and can't get through to regarding her friends.

She is able to ring OH as and when but chooses not as that costs money!
X

 

[Quilty]

Women with bordeline personality disorder bpd can be classed loosly as queen, witch, hermit and waif. My mum was a witch queen. The early days of dementia were hair raising when she struggled to hold it together. Narcasistic personality fits in all four types.

 

[Kjn]

Women with bordeline personality disorder bpd can be classed loosly as queen, witch, hermit and waif. My mum was a witch queen. The early days of dementia were hair raising when she struggled to hold it together. Narcasistic personality fits in all four types.

Queen !

 

[Kjn]

Quilty , does you know who wrote the eggshell book , there seems to be a few different ones.

 

[Quilty]

Kreger Randy. Also Understanding the borderline mother by christine lawson. Coping with your difficult older parent by grace lebow is also very helpful. Last one gives strategies fir dealing with difficukt behaviours of all kinds.

 

[Kjn]

Thank you , you're a star

 

[Quilty]

I cried when I read the last book on dealing with difficult parents. It made me realise I was not the only one and it helps me stop feeling so guilty.

Best of luck. The strategies do work if you stick to your guns. Your husband might be a different story. Maybe make him read the sections that apply?

Love
Quilty

 

[Kjn]

Thank you quilty . By just reading bits of info to him he has realised I'm right, so am going to get downloading books.
Thanks again xx

 

[Brid John]

The book I find very helpful is "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy l. Mace.MA
It cover so much, it is like a bible for carers