I lost my mom on Mothering Sunday this year. We’ve been joined at the hip my whole life, She was more than my mother, she was my best friend and support system. I was there when she received the mixed dementia diagnosis, I was there through every stage of the dementia journey, I cared for her with pleasure, that was my job. Was it hard? Yes. But I wouldn’t have changed it. I was there to watch her die, and I was there when the curtains closed at the crematorium.
But what do I do now?
I miss her so much, I miss everything that was us. I miss everything that was her.
My grief hits me more at night, and I cry myself to sleep.
I know I’m only just at the start of my grief journey. But I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do.
Dear
@MowgliGirl02
I could not read your thread and just walk on by. So much of what you said resonated with my own caring background. I cared for mum for the best part of seven years, the last during COVID lockdowns and restrictions making it harder. Mum was my best buddie, friend, supporter, confidant, etc, with all those things going both ways. When she died I felt utterly lost. We know Dementia ends only one way, but I was so tied up in the caring role I had lost sight of the inevitable last destination point. Crazy but true. I can have some understanding of your feelings, but also accept that each grief path is different and very personal. I offer some points to try and help you. Make of them what you will, but please accept they are from a well meaning stranger, with no detailed knowledge of your circumstances eg support from family, friends, etc.
1) Please try to ensure you keep the basics going. Make sure you eat good healthy food, rest even if sleep might be broken. There is the old saying you cannot care for someone if your energy tank is empty. Please accept now that you still have a caring role, only now it is aimed at yourself not your dear mum. After years of caring I found it hard initially to accept that I needed to start thinking about myself, as the first priority in life. Not in a selfish way but in a loving and caring way. We sacrifice our own interests to varying degrees in a caring role, so that process has to be reactivated.
2) That self care reaches beyond the physical into what I call spiritual for the want of a better neutral word. Let me offer examples that might better explain what I am meaning. Yes the night time is hardest. No day light, no activity to distract the mind. I imagine just a stream of thoughts and memories about your much loved mum. I found physical connections helped me, though it took time. Mum slept with a teddy bear she much loved. He moved into my bed. During her last year I helped mum put on her wrist watch each morning, as she could no longer work out how to latch the strap. I placed it on my dressing table. Sometimes when sleep was a hopeless dream I sat up in bed and held it. I remembered my caring role, the problems I overcame, those that beat me, but most of all how it demonstrated my love for mum and how close we were. I put a pair of her shoes where I could see them when I got out of bed. I thought let me walk in her steps today, share her values, remember our love. These little things kept mum present spiritually and positively for me and overtime I developed a different relationship with her. I cannot hold her hand any more, hear her laughter, but I can hold and cherish my memories, respect and live by our shared values. Remember her old sayings. Early on the grief path these things can be painful, but over time I could remember mum without tears. Now certain memories bring laughter and joy in my heart, but that took time.
3) Many people offer well meant advice (me today I am asking myself?) but it can be hurtful. When received accept it as well meaning but recognise it only has value in terms of how you perceive it.
A) Its your time now. That can sound like your caring role has no on going value, The loss of it creates a very large hole in your life and unfortunately more time to reflect of your grief. Please take time to reflect on the sacrifices you made in your caring role. Yes done out of love, but worthy of being remembered by yourself.
B) The worst of all you need to move on now, get a new life, etc. At one level it is true but that will be a future day. Today and in the early stages of your grief you need to reflect on what has happened in the last few years. Your life has fundamentally changed in away third party well wishes very rarely understand, having not experienced a lengthy, demanding caring role and then loss of the loved one. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is very unpleasant and you need time to reflect on your loss, your mum and the caring role. There will be a need to think towards the future, but not I suggest kindly this early in your grief. Allow yourself time to grief, slowly heal, gradually move back into the full on world.
If you have any close friends or family please talk to them about your mum. I had no one to talk to, lockdown restrictions made social contact very hard. Talking can really help if the person involved shares some of your memories. Your love for your mum shines through in your post. I suggest your mum touched other people in special ways as well.
I could say a lot more but the above hopefully can help in a small way. One last but crucial point. I know it seems hard to believe at present with waves of intense grief crashing over you, but they do ease with time. I am left with a sense of being incomplete, I must admit three years on to feeling lonely when on my own. I suggest a background feeling of loss and sadness will always lurk after we recover from an intense loss. Please remember these feelings are the price we pay for having known and loved someone special. Was my life the better for having known and loved my mum. You bet. Do I have special memories. Am I a better person for having had that special relationship. Yes to both. Will what I learnt from my loved one help me live my life, do the right thing, rejoice in life going forward. Yes. This might not make any sense right now, but please hold onto it and one day I very much hope it will. Terrible as the pain of grief is I now see that it reflected just how special was my relationship to my mum. I look back and see it as something I had to process slowly and in an individual way. Such a huge loss has an a large impact.
I sincerely hope any of my comments or suggestions can help you. My intentions are good but how they land only you will know. That was one of my dear mum’s old sayings. I close in wishing you well. Please continue to post here, in a friendly, welcoming and supportive forum.