Hello. My wife of50 years is now in a nursing home 10 months with alzheimers aggravated by severe anxiety and now seems not to know me. Lovely caring nursing home but all very sad. Visits seem to unsettle her as she relates to 24 hour carers better. Not sure what to do. It's a cruel illness that creeps up on you. Edmund
Hello and advice, please
- Thread starter Edmund Knight
- Start date
Hi and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your wife. It is sad but also unsurprising that she relates more with the carers who look after her night and day. It is also means that she has transferred her dependency to them which is one reason for being in the home.
As to whether she knows who you are, what relationship you have with her and so on, it is difficult to say. My wife is now coming up for 5 years in her care home. She stopped asking for me and calling me by name a considerable time ago (probably during the pandemic). Whether she knows me or not, she seems comfortable in my presence, sometimes amenable to touch, and occasionally amused by my attempts to sing to her. Although it is hard to reconcile how she is now with the person she used to be, there is enough pleasure in visiting (for us both) that I am happy to continue.
If visiting is hard for either or both of you there's nothing wrong in reducing the frequency, visiting for shorter periods, or even stopping. If you continue to visit don't expect too much and sometimes you may be rewarded with a glimpse of her old self.
As to whether she knows who you are, what relationship you have with her and so on, it is difficult to say. My wife is now coming up for 5 years in her care home. She stopped asking for me and calling me by name a considerable time ago (probably during the pandemic). Whether she knows me or not, she seems comfortable in my presence, sometimes amenable to touch, and occasionally amused by my attempts to sing to her. Although it is hard to reconcile how she is now with the person she used to be, there is enough pleasure in visiting (for us both) that I am happy to continue.
If visiting is hard for either or both of you there's nothing wrong in reducing the frequency, visiting for shorter periods, or even stopping. If you continue to visit don't expect too much and sometimes you may be rewarded with a glimpse of her old self.
Last edited:
Thanks. I fully understand that but should I visit less often if it doesn't help her? I have been going once a week but I am happy enough to go less often as there is little of my old Joan left,mentally. Friends etc send her pictures and cards and I may do the same. Edmund
Hi, I have edited my post to cover some additional points (see above). Currently I visit my wife twice a week for up to an hour each time. If there is entertainment of some kind and on special days such as Christmas I tend to stay a little longer.
