Feeling alone

[Daughters concerns]

Hi there
I have posted here before but couldn't find where to add anything so thought I'd start here again.

I'm 46 and my mum has this week moved into our village she's 75.
My dad 78 is also moving into our village next week but on the other side.
They're divorced!

Both have different symptoms but nothing diagnosed, so for me and my family it's odd seeing different personalities come through.

Dad who has always had a stressful character displays symptoms of anger and unkindness. His removal man rang me this week to tell me he thought dad was going to hit him! He is unkind to my 11 year old son and just mean with seemingly no idea how he makes people feel. He's also irrational with thought in moving. He doesn't understand about the moving out date and went to his estate agents telling them off for the date that was selected and changed it without any consideration for the work I've been putting in with his solicitor and buyer.

Mum in the other hand I feel is worse. She has moved into a small house.
She didn't seem to think she would need a fridge! We've ordered one but she seems nonplussed about it. She isn't using her oven because she doesn't like the feel of it. We're going to get her a new one to hopefully change this feeling.
She keeps telling me to collect my television because it's cluttering her house but I keep telling her that it's her TV!
She has a strange calmness about her but one that could almost be one of complete confusion! However, she does manage on her own and enjoys walking every day.

I though feel like both my parents have moved here so I can care for them. Already I feel like I have a new job X2 and the only place I know of to let go is here.
So thank you 😊

 

[Nyk22]

Hi there
I have posted here before but couldn't find where to add anything so thought I'd start here again.

I'm 46 and my mum has this week moved into our village she's 75.
My dad 78 is also moving into our village next week but on the other side.
They're divorced!

Both have different symptoms but nothing diagnosed, so for me and my family it's odd seeing different personalities come through.

Dad who has always had a stressful character displays symptoms of anger and unkindness. His removal man rang me this week to tell me he thought dad was going to hit him! He is unkind to my 11 year old son and just mean with seemingly no idea how he makes people feel. He's also irrational with thought in moving. He doesn't understand about the moving out date and went to his estate agents telling them off for the date that was selected and changed it without any consideration for the work I've been putting in with his solicitor and buyer.

Mum in the other hand I feel is worse. She has moved into a small house.
She didn't seem to think she would need a fridge! We've ordered one but she seems nonplussed about it. She isn't using her oven because she doesn't like the feel of it. We're going to get her a new one to hopefully change this feeling.
She keeps telling me to collect my television because it's cluttering her house but I keep telling her that it's her TV!
She has a strange calmness about her but one that could almost be one of complete confusion! However, she does manage on her own and enjoys walking every day.

I though feel like both my parents have moved here so I can care for them. Already I feel like I have a new job X2 and the only place I know of to let go is here.
So thank you 😊

Hi.

I’m new to this and totally understand the need to let go. My mum seems to display both things you mention about your parents. She can be very angry aggressive and unkind and then a on another day she almost seems like she isn’t here and a little bit vacant. She has forgotten how to use her cooker, tv, coffee machine and now struggle with her phone. She’s started moving things, like family photo’s as they ‘mess up her house’ and I’ve spent ages searching for them to find one in the freezer! I try to focus on the funny things and engage her in conversations about when my children were little and when my dad was alive as they’re the only things she can focus on now. It’s so so difficult but just keep focusing on yourself and your doing the absolute best you can xxx

 

[Daughters concerns]

Thank you❤️ and you too❤️

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @Daughters concerns

I’m also a daughter of a similar age and have my mum living with me. It sounds like you will have your hands full - but much easier having them both local.

Do think through what you’re prepared to do and what time you need to protect for yourself and your family.

You can keep this thread to record things and off load if that’s helpful.

 

[BluTinks]

Hi there,
I’ve just put the phone down to a lady with dementia, she has sold her house as she believes neighbours are living in her loft?
The completion date is this Tuesday….
Her son is desperately trying to find her somewhere to live but she keeps stopping this happening. He is at the end of his rope lol
I must admit, I’m getting there too with 15 plus calls a day! Sometimes she weeps, sometimes she is really nasty, doesn’t sleep. So will call around 3am! Doesn’t remember who she has ,been vile to. My Mum is a strong willed individual, also suffering, I feel I failed her so I’m trying my best for her friend.
Keep an eye on your mum walking, let the locals know so you have a network. As for your Dad, they are prone, to no empathy my advice would be to remove your boy away for the moment. He is at a delicate age and it’s not fair on him😞

 

[Daughters concerns]

Thanks all for the advice I really appreciate it😄👍

Mum had her first go appointment for being in a new practice this morning. I wasn't in for the appointment.
She said they spoke to her about her memory and have made an appointment with the memory clinic and requested that I be there in the appointment.

I'm nervous about it because I don't want to upset mum! She thinks the main thing about her memory is not being able to find the right words. But from our point of view we don't notice that at all. It's more repeated conversations within minutes of having them. Being confused in different situations and her sense of logic seems to have slipped!
If I have to say all that I'm sure she'll be upset 😔

 

[SeaSwallow]

Thanks all for the advice I really appreciate it😄👍

Mum had her first go appointment for being in a new practice this morning. I wasn't in for the appointment.
She said they spoke to her about her memory and have made an appointment with the memory clinic and requested that I be there in the appointment.

I'm nervous about it because I don't want to upset mum! She thinks the main thing about her memory is not being able to find the right words. But from our point of view we don't notice that at all. It's more repeated conversations within minutes of having them. Being confused in different situations and her sense of logic seems to have slipped!
If I have to say all that I'm sure she'll be upset 😔

You could send a letter to the GPs prior to the appointment that way you do not have to say anything in front of your mum. I hope that all goes well for you.

 

[Kristo]

Definitely give the GP and memory clinic a letter - but be prepared to be brutally honest with them, in person and in front of your mum if necessary. You are doing it for the right reasons, to get your mum the support that she needs. You won’t be doing her any favours in the long run by avoiding subjects that may upset her in front of the doctor/nurse. It’s brutal but it does get easier.,, I get myself into a state every time I accompany my dad to an appointment, I feel like I am being disloyal or telling tales on my own dad, but it has to be done otherwise you will both be left to deal with everything on your own. Also, whatever memory tests, medication or referrals that the memory nurse makes will be decisions made by them, not you, so you can blame them when talking about things with your mum. I always say “the nurse said you have to have these tablets” “the doctor said you have to get out and about more”. Good luck x

 

[Chizz]

Hi.

I’m new to this and totally understand the need to let go. My mum seems to display both things you mention about your parents. She can be very angry aggressive and unkind and then a on another day she almost seems like she isn’t here and a little bit vacant. She has forgotten how to use her cooker, tv, coffee machine and now struggle with her phone. She’s started moving things, like family photo’s as they ‘mess up her house’ and I’ve spent ages searching for them to find one in the freezer! I try to focus on the funny things and engage her in conversations about when my children were little and when my dad was alive as they’re the only things she can focus on now. It’s so so difficult but just keep focusing on yourself and your doing the absolute best you can xxx

Hi @Nyk22

Has your mum been diagnosed yet? If not, I suggest you speak with or write to her GP to express your concerns with regard to her memory and behaviour.

If she has been diagnosed then you can ask the Local Authority Adult Social Services to do a care assessment of your mum to see what help, in their view, she needs. If you are classed as her carer, then LA ASS can also carry out a carer's assessment to state what help you need.

From what you've said, your mum, it seems to me, does need help. You may need to arrange carers to call in to check that she's OK, eg, when you can't do that. After all, it only takes a careless unintended moment to knock a gas tap on or leave a water tap running, to cause havoc.

If she needs help, have you put in a claim for Attendance Allowance? Have you sorted out a Lasting Power of Attorney Property & Finance, for when she lacks capacity?

Best wishes.

 

[Banjomansmate]

When you accompany your Mum to the Memory Clinic make sure you sit just behind her or out of her sight range so that you can indicate to whoever is doing the testing/interview whether or not she is telling the truth. Even if she really believes what she is saying is true, a nod or shake of your head can indicate what is really happening. If you are really lucky you may even get a 1-1 chat with the clinic staff but most of us have found we were trying to get the truth across without alienating our PWD.
One time I was told in no uncertain terms that I was to stay quiet during one of the Banjoman’s appointments, so I clearly announced this to the nurse as we entered the consulting room. He couldn’t really say anything to me then!

 

[Daughters concerns]

So mum had her appointment. I was there initially and heard a few of mums answers to questions. But, mum then asked me to leave as she was finding it uncomfortable.
Whilst I was there she answered the question what year are we in now as 1927! And she couldn't recall which month we're in.
I was asked for my opinion which I did mention a few things which mum didn't like, but I have since followed up with an email to the doctor who has advised will be sending it onto to her brain scan referral. They've also suggested to me that mum doesn't drive for now. Thankfully her car isn't with her just now and won't be for as long as I can keep it away!

Repeating things and forgetting things is one thing and one that isn't too difficult to deal with, but the one I struggle with is the lack of logic she has🤔
I went to her house yesterday and when I went to turn on a lamp I found she didn't have light bulbs in them. I suggested she buy some but she she said it didn't matter.
She buys food that has to be cooked in the oven but doesn't use her oven, and when I ask how she cooks she refuses to tell me, but instead just says she's fine.
She's recently had a new bathroom floor fitted which currently is just hardboard and when I said she'll soon have vinyl down she said it didn't matter and the wood was fine!
She doesn't have the general logic to get the usual things done or sorted 🤔

I have sent her picture to those in the community that I know she goes to such as shops and cafes as well as alerting various people I know. They're all really good and supportive.
I'm also now the registered carer for mum and dad and have support from that team for myself 😄

 

[Sarasa]

Gosh @Daughters concerns, it sounds like you have your hands full. I assume you have Lasting Power of Attorney for both your parents? If not try to get that sorted out very soon. From what you've said I doubt your mum can manage her finances. It may well be a good idea to start having carers coming in to check she is taking her medication and keep an eye on her.
Your dad sounds very like my mum in the early stages, her memory was OK but logic had gone out the window.
It's good you live in a supportive community. My mum lived in a small London suburb and after she'd moved into care I realised how much the local shopkeepers and community had been looking out for her, paying her dry cleaning bill when she got into a muddle for instance. I think it helped keep her at home just a little longer.

 

[Chizz]

Gosh @Daughters concerns, it sounds like you have your hands full. I assume you have Lasting Power of Attorney for both your parents? If not try to get that sorted out very soon. From what you've said I doubt your mum can manage her finances. It may well be a good idea to start having carers coming in to check she is taking her medication and keep an eye on her.
Your dad sounds very like my mum in the early stages, her memory was OK but logic had gone out the window.
It's good you live in a supportive community. My mum lived in a small London suburb and after she'd moved into care I realised how much the local shopkeepers and community had been looking out for her, paying her dry cleaning bill when she got into a muddle for instance. I think it helped keep her at home just a little longer.

Really nice @Sarasa to hear of the kindness of strangers to restore faith in humans! (especially in these troubled times.)