Someone put in the Care and Support plan that I can not talk my relative directly I must talk to the manager. I am uneasy about this and not sure if its legal.
Care Home and Phone Calls
- Thread starter Rayreadynow
- Start date
Hi @Rayreadynow, has anyone given you a reason why you can't speak directly to your relative? Is hearing from you making them upset for some reason. I agree talk to the manager, but be prepared to listen to what they have to say as well as explaining why you'd like to talk to your relative. In later stages of dementia its often best just to ask for an update from the home, or if you can go and visit face to face.
I complained to the Care Home Manager about dirty fingernails prior so I think shes a bit vindictive ( my view only). The manager claims that I upset her on the phone, but I detect no distress at all last time we spoke, she was counting out the numbers on the telephone key pad, trying to maintain her ability with numbers.
I, like @Sarasa ,would strongly suggest speaking with the care home manager about this and ask for the rationale behind this. If she is professional, which I am sure she is, then any previous thoughts you may have of her possibly being vindictive will not materialise.
Although you didn't detect any distress over the phone it may be that this was identified by staff either during the call via your relative's body language, or by her behaviour after the call. It could be that counting numbers from the keypad may have had the effect of highlighting her inability with numbers, rather than helping to maintain that ability, and this caused distress. It's difficult to know from what you have posted so having a chat with the manager to find out the cause of your relative's upset would be best, putting to one side your personal view of the manager if you can.
Thanks for your kind words. But I looked after my mother for years and had plenty of chats with her over a couple of years so I know her behaviour inside out and would say I am an' expert by experience'. What she was actually doing by counting numbers was showing to the carer with her that she could still count.
I think that you need to accept @Rayreadynow that your mother's behaviour is changing and will continue to change in ways that are unexpected and can't be accounted for. Clearly you don't wish to cause her any distress but this can happen for no obvious reason. My wife's son used to telephone her and chat to her in a way that he always had. At the other end of a phone line he couldn't see her discomfort and unease. It wasn't due to anything he said but she found his conspiratorial tone (he always half-whispered) difficult to follow. Sometimes she completely misunderstood what he said or embellished it with her own fabrications. She also began to lose social niceties such as finishing the conversation. She began to lose her ability to recognise and use a telephone. As often as not she would lower the phone from her ear, plonk it on the table and leave him talking into thin air. Not long after that she refused to use the telephone and now never does.
That's just my experience of course and it may seem to have little relevance to your situation. Get the story straight by contacting the care home manager. There may be good reasons why speaking directly to your relative is felt not to be in their best interests. Weigh up and reflect on this reasoning then either accept it or challenge it as you see fit.
That's just my experience of course and it may seem to have little relevance to your situation. Get the story straight by contacting the care home manager. There may be good reasons why speaking directly to your relative is felt not to be in their best interests. Weigh up and reflect on this reasoning then either accept it or challenge it as you see fit.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I read somewhere ' one persons with dementia is not the same as another person with Dementia'. I did challenge with a best interest assessor and they said the manager cannot restrict contact with family members because they have no authority to do so. And it also goes against the DoLS safeguarding.
Hello 💗
I would try and speak to the manager or lead staff and/or email as well. Emotions get the better of us sometimes and just take a breath and see what the reasoning is first. Let them explain the reasoning and take it from there.
I don't live nearby my PWD either so I get it is hard when you cannot do what would seemingly be a normal kind of thing to do, give someone a call. I can't just pop over and see for myself . I don't call Dad now as he gets frustrated as cannot work out how to answer, he does text though strangely but that is again hit and miss. We used to face time but those days have also gone now too.
I would try and speak to the manager or lead staff and/or email as well. Emotions get the better of us sometimes and just take a breath and see what the reasoning is first. Let them explain the reasoning and take it from there.
I don't live nearby my PWD either so I get it is hard when you cannot do what would seemingly be a normal kind of thing to do, give someone a call. I can't just pop over and see for myself . I don't call Dad now as he gets frustrated as cannot work out how to answer, he does text though strangely but that is again hit and miss. We used to face time but those days have also gone now too.
The activities co-ordinator co-ordinated and supervised facetime/Whatsapp calls on their phone with relatives for my PWD. This meant the calls could be scheduled at a time which fitted in with whatever was going on in the home and there was someone else around to facilitate the call.
The PWD wasn't able to make calls, answer calls or hold the phone properly themselves but could still recognise people and participate in a conversation so having someone else around was essential.
The PWD wasn't able to make calls, answer calls or hold the phone properly themselves but could still recognise people and participate in a conversation so having someone else around was essential.
It may be that your mother is distressed after the call has finished. She is happy talking to you, as you can hear, but gets upset when she realises she is there by herself again?
