Would it help to get a cleaner?

[Rachael03]

I've read various suggestions here where people have spoken of the benefits of having a cleaner to the house so that pwd gets used to non-family carers. Aside from the benefits of having some extra cleaning done!

Mum's house isn't dirty at all but I'm trying to be proactive and make changes before things get worse. There are 5 of us siblings splitting care duties for mum but my brother will be starting cancer treatment next year which bring's us to 4. I'm also starting a new job next year and we all have our own separate lives and priorities, we dont live with mum but we stay every night and run her house...I can see so clearly now that it won't take much to have a domino effect unravelling the unsteady but functional system we have cobbled together this year!

What I'd be hoping for is to have mum used to seeing a new face in her home, which would be unusual for her. I do personally feel stretched too and never have the time to clean for her and feel bad that I can do everything.

I don't know how to bring it up to her as she is from a generation that would not like someone else to clean her house.

Any suggestions ? Did anyone find this helped when it came to needing more care support?

 

[Remotecarer]

We found my own mother's reaction when offered a little help was more positive than we'd expected. Obviously I don't know your mother but it could be that she'd welcome the company. The "cleaner" strategy sounds sensible.

I wish your family well - it sounds as if there are some tough times ahead.

 

[Palerider]

I've read various suggestions here where people have spoken of the benefits of having a cleaner to the house so that pwd gets used to non-family carers. Aside from the benefits of having some extra cleaning done!

Mum's house isn't dirty at all but I'm trying to be proactive and make changes before things get worse. There are 5 of us siblings splitting care duties for mum but my brother will be starting cancer treatment next year which bring's us to 4. I'm also starting a new job next year and we all have our own separate lives and priorities, we dont live with mum but we stay every night and run her house...I can see so clearly now that it won't take much to have a domino effect unravelling the unsteady but functional system we have cobbled together this year!

What I'd be hoping for is to have mum used to seeing a new face in her home, which would be unusual for her. I do personally feel stretched too and never have the time to clean for her and feel bad that I can do everything.

I don't know how to bring it up to her as she is from a generation that would not like someone else to clean her house.

Any suggestions ? Did anyone find this helped when it came to needing more care support?

I did get a cleaner to come in for my mum to help out, but it turned into a bit of a fight and she wouldn't let them clean most of the rooms so in the end I gave up. I guess it depends on how your mum is but worth trying, if it works then bingo if not you may have to think of something else. It does sound as if as a family you are pulling together which is good to see. You can't plan for every eventuality but good luck.

 

[sdmhred]

It sounds a great idea Rachael. You and your siblings know your mum best and I would use whatever tactic might pick up on what’s important to her…

eg, a free government scheme or trial, a friend of yours hard up and needing some extra cash, to help you out as you’ve suddenly got an allergy to cleaning materials / or a bad back…

Or just book the clean in and take mum out….

I hope it goes well! I have found mum is definitely less resistant to help as her dementia has progressed

 

[Phil2020]

You see the future & what you're really talking about it seems is the transition from what your mum wants to what your mum needs, so ....

... absolutely get the cleaner in! And whatever subterfuge you need to use to achieve it, use it without any guilt on your part! Someone said their mum would only let the cleaner clean a few rooms - if your mum's like that then let the cleaner clean just those rooms your mum's happy to have cleaned. It might seem expensive in the short term - maybe paying for an hour's cleaning when the cleaner's only doing half an hour - but in the long term it works out. I also got a 'sitter' in - a different face to sit with mum for an hour or two (while I absented myself) just to get her used to the idea of other people. I told mum, the 'sitter' was usually at home by herself and got a bit lonely and mum was a bit of company for her .... .

Perhaps use a 'waking' or 'sleeping' night carer now and again (maybe once a month or every six weeks) again cost can be an issue but it would give all the siblings at least one clear night, which is no bad thing; GP surgeries sometimes keep a list of such carers.

You say "I don't know how to bring it up to her as she is from a generation that would not like someone else to clean her house". First off, you might be surprised and she might welcome it; second, do you need to bring it up with her; why have the 'fight' with her if you don't have to? Could the cleaner come in when you come in and do a bit of cleaning and you just pass it off as helping a friend earn an extra little bit for Christmas or something?

Oh. And don't feel bad that 'you can't do everything'. Fact is that you can't and nor should you try to: 'that way the monsters lay', as they say! Find all the help you can and use it ...

 

[Rachael03]

Thanks everybody.

I've got a few recommendations for local services so I'm going to get the ball rolling wirh some enquiries and see how this goes.

I might also need to persuade the brothers about my idea too...some have a 'head in the sand' mentality, and although they understand dementia is progressive, they likely think that our caring timetabling approach will continue unchanged forever! We've been fortunate there have been no major declines the last 12 months but then so many small changes that you don't even notice anymore 🙈

If it is successful, it might mean I can spend more time doing activities and spending quality time with mum...rather than sticking her on the TV or leaving her idle while I try to squeeze in rushed housework on weekends! 😊

 

[sdmhred]

Oh bless your brothers 🙈🙈

Mine is the same - eternally optimistic- I prepare everything in advance and then action ‘the plan’ when I feel is needed.

You sound like a lovely supportive family however. Would they respond to what you’ve said about your time being redirected onto more pleasurable and meaningful activities for your mum?

 

[Rachael03]

Oh bless your brothers 🙈🙈

Mine is the same - eternally optimistic- I prepare everything in advance and then action ‘the plan’ when I feel is needed.

You sound like a lovely supportive family however. Would they respond to what you’ve said about your time being redirected onto more pleasurable and meaningful activities for your mum?

Haha I love your description of actioning 'the plan' - it reminds me of our setup as well. The plan sometimes involves me bossing everyone but they always do what I ask and suggest. I don't know how I ended up in this family leader role as baby of the bunch, but suspect its cos I'm the only sister/daughter! 🤣

I expect they will be open to it when I explain the motivation. It will just be another change for us as a family to recognise we are getting some extra help....which is nothing but a good thing! I'll be glad to have some of the dust gone that keeps catching my eye and taunting me

 

[sdmhred]

I bet your brothers like you taking the responsibility- they don’t have to do the hard work of planning and organising 🤣🤣

My brother is pretty easy going and will help when asked. He’s just had a little one though so am conscious he has other things keeping him busy now.

Im the eldest and my sister definitely doesn’t like me calling the shots - she’s very happy to help practically but any suspicion she’s being bossed around gets a rebuff. I therefore have to ask in our WhatsApp group for help researching or planning etc….…I wait a couple of days and then put up a ‘possible solution’…..which is then readily accepted 🤣🤣

I learned that from a colleague when we worked in the NHS. She taught me you have to tell doctors what to do….but in a way that makes them think they have come up with the idea 🤣🤣🤣

Good to hear you have a new job on the horizon - I’m starting to look now I have a little more time!

 

[Rachael03]

That is great advice about convincing people they came up with the idea...you are a clever strategist ha!

Some of my brothers have little ones too so conscious of them already sacrificing time with their family to help mum...but they are very good about it and do as much as they can. They definitely prefer that I do rhe organising and in truth I don't think I mind, means I don't have to compromise on decisions. My way or the highway 🤣

I am excited/nervous about the new job.. its a better location for me but worry it will be too demanding with everything else going on, so lots of doubts too. I recently moved home to be nearer to mum and my current job is too far away to be sustainable (but fortunately a great supporting environment who know whats going on at home) . Take your time considering your options when you start looking...I spent the best part of this year thinking about the change and I'm still not sure it's the right thing.

Trying not to think too far ahead and go with the flow...which is a theme when a lobed one had dementia...but it's Not my natural mindset at all. I'd love tp have everything planned on a tidy timetable 🤣

 

[sdmhred]

Definately my way or the highway here too 🤣🤣🤣

Its so hard isnt it planning with dementia as a bed fellow? I also like to have things planned out, but I have learnt to live day by day.

I’m also hesitant about picking up the stress of a new job…..but I know I need to move , but do have time to wait for the right thing to come along. I have been in MH social services for far too long and the culture is now pretty toxic. I decided to leave Jan 2020 then I thought I would see my clients through lockdown….which went on and on…..and then mum needed support just as the final restrictions lifted…..Ive had no normal life since March 2020 🙈🙈😱😱😱

I’d like to move away from the coal face for a while and go into MH training, promotion or strategy……probably part time so I can still encompass dementia and perhaps a bit of private client work……I could always be a PWD sitter 🙈🙈

 

[Agzy]

the young lady who took on the role of cleaner is now welcomed as a best friend as she always spends at least 10 minutes chatting before the work starts and is so friendly and helpful. A blessing ❤️

 

[Rachael03]

Definately my way or the highway here too 🤣🤣🤣

Its so hard isnt it planning with dementia as a bed fellow? I also like to have things planned out, but I have learnt to live day by day.

I’m also hesitant about picking up the stress of a new job…..but I know I need to move , but do have time to wait for the right thing to come along. I have been in MH social services for far too long and the culture is now pretty toxic. I decided to leave Jan 2020 then I thought I would see my clients through lockdown….which went on and on…..and then mum needed support just as the final restrictions lifted…..Ive had no normal life since March 2020 🙈🙈😱😱😱

I’d like to move away from the coal face for a while and go into MH training, promotion or strategy……probably part time so I can still encompass dementia and perhaps a bit of private client work……I could always be a PWD sitter 🙈🙈

From everything I've seen here from you and how you care for your mum and support your family, I can only imagine you are an asset to your work. And will continue to be in future wherever the next move is.

Change is scary and overwhelming and even morsel when we are always dealing with so much change outside of work on top of it!

 

[Rachael03]

the young lady who took on the role of cleaner is now welcomed as a best friend as she always spends at least 10 minutes chatting before the work starts and is so friendly and helpful. A blessing ❤️

That is lovely to hear..she sounds like a kind person, the world needs more of them!

 

[PhilO]

I've read various suggestions here where people have spoken of the benefits of having a cleaner to the house so that pwd gets used to non-family carers. Aside from the benefits of having some extra cleaning done!

Mum's house isn't dirty at all but I'm trying to be proactive and make changes before things get worse. There are 5 of us siblings splitting care duties for mum but my brother will be starting cancer treatment next year which bring's us to 4. I'm also starting a new job next year and we all have our own separate lives and priorities, we dont live with mum but we stay every night and run her house...I can see so clearly now that it won't take much to have a domino effect unravelling the unsteady but functional system we have cobbled together this year!

What I'd be hoping for is to have mum used to seeing a new face in her home, which would be unusual for her. I do personally feel stretched too and never have the time to clean for her and feel bad that I can do everything.

I don't know how to bring it up to her as she is from a generation that would not like someone else to clean her house.

Any suggestions ? Did anyone find this helped when it came to needing more care support?

 

[PhilO]

I have had exactly the same experience. My wife has always done her own cleaning but just became so forgetful and so confused that she could not manage to do it any more and constantly complained about the fact that she was nothing but a skivvy, so I volunteered to share the cleaning but then took over all the cooking and washing which became too much for me so I hired a cleaner, much to my wife's disagreement, "I have been cleaning for 60 years I don't need a cleaner". Unfortunately although the cleaner was very good she could only spare us a couple of hours. I asked her to try to befriend my wife but she only just had time to do the cleaning and often when she arrived my wife would kick up about having a cleaner and it often resulted in an argument between us which the cleaner often overheard. So in the end the cleaner left. I have since hired a replacement cleaner who had also had caring experience and when I hired her I explained my wife's situation and hired her for 4 hours once a week with instructions to befriend my wife and keep her company whilst I went for my weekly game of golf and that this caring was her priority, not the cleaning. She was great and my wife really liked her but after a few months she unfortunately had to abandon her cleaning job for "personal reasons" so I have been searching for a replacement again. When I told my wife this morning there was another cleaner coming to look at the job this afternoon she went ballistic saying she did need or want a cleaner and the last one spent more time chatting than cleaning, she had forgotten how much she enjoyed her company. But I explained the situation carefully to the lady in private when she arrived and invited her to have a cup of tea with us before I showed her around, then insisted she have another before she left which gave us an opportunity to chat and get to know her. My wife has now accepted her starting next week. So it's all about perseverance and just doing it then working round it. It is hard.