What’s left?

[Tsarina]

My lovely Tom died last August. I feel worse now than I did back then. I’ve got a Tom shaped hole in my life and it’ll always be part of me. I have no family and the few friends I had all have their partners and their own lives. I’m not a joining groups or clubs kind of woman infact I’m independent and don’t mind being on my own. But it seems there’s a “limit”to grief. Until Christmas I had help from staff at the nursing home where Tom lived but that’s stopped abruptly. Now it seems I should move on/get over it. I feel abandoned and let down.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Tsarina.

I’m so sorry for your loss and sorry that you feel so let down.

I lost my husband to dementia coming up for 8 years ago so I understand the ‘hole in your life’ situation. Grief has no timescale. It seems to trite to say that things will get easier with time but I do believe it’s true. The grief doesn’t go away, it just changes. I found this BBC clip about grief useful -

It’s different for all of us and I hope that sharing here will help you feel a little less abandoned. Have you thought of contacting CRUSE? It might be useful to talk with someone there.

Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.

www.cruse.org.uk

Please keep posting here for support.

 

[Firecatcher]

I’m really sorry about your loss and can empathise with your sense of isolation. Grief can take many forms and is different for everyone. I think not having a support network even if you’re an independent person can be especially difficult. I don’t think anyone ever does come to terms with losing their lifelong partner or soulmate but I’m told you eventually reach a stage of acceptance and can live with your loss. Take care and sending hugs.

 

[Tsarina]

Thanks for your replies. Things have looked up a bit as I’m starting to volunteer at a rabbit rescue next week. I’m looking forward to it as animals are a passion of mine. Since losing Tom it’s just so empty as he was my purpose in life, my reason for being. I know nothing will change that but maybe helping with the buns will help me too. x

 

[Firecatcher]

Thanks for your replies. Things have looked up a bit as I’m starting to volunteer at a rabbit rescue next week. I’m looking forward to it as animals are a passion of mine. Since losing Tom it’s just so empty as he was my purpose in life, my reason for being. I know nothing will change that but maybe helping with the buns will help me too. x

That’s so lovely that you’ve got some voluntary work helping animals. Good luck and I hope it helps. I think it will be good for you to get out of the house and may enable you to make some new friends too.

 

[Jale]

I'm sorry for your loss of Tom, I've found that it's a sad fact that people are usually very supportive until after a funeral and then they seem to think that is the end of mourning/grieving. In fact nothing could be further from the truth - it is when the pressure of dealing with everything is off is the time that grief really hits.

For what it's worth I think volunteering at a rabbit rescue is an excellent idea, I know I wouldn't get through many of my problems if I didn't have my dogs.

Take care and be kind to yourself (and let us know how the volunteering goes)

 

[Tsarina]

Thank you - your replies are so kind and it’s so true that people “drop off” and kind of leave you to it. I think of Tom every day as the man I knew and the man that dementia made him. He was still my Tom with his lovely eyes and a smile that’d light up a room. I’ll let you know how the volunteering goes. Thanks again. x

 

[Tsarina]

Hi all- I’ve been going to the rabbit rescue for three weeks now. It’s really great and the people are lovely. I fall in love with the buns every week but I’ve got two of my own so I can’t have any more. I’m helping the animals and they’re helping me.
On to something else, I’ve still got Tom’s ashes with me. They bring comfort and I’m not ready to let him go yet. I would like to have him interred at a local cemetery when the time is right. I think it’s still too raw at the moment but what about if I’m never ready? Is it wrong to want him with me?

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @Tsarina good to hear from you and that your volunteering at the rabbit rescue is going well. It is still early days to come to a decision re Tom’s ashes, and it’s completely right to want him near you.
My friend has her husband’s at home in their bedroom and she finds comfort in talking to him every night, telling him what she has done. She has now decided to keep the ashes until her time comes and they can be mixed together in a ceremony organised by her family.

 

[Tsarina]

Thanks, I feel like I need Tom to stay with me for a good while yet. Your friend talking to her husband is just like me. Tom lives in our bedroom although I move him round sometimes if I think he may enjoy a show on the telly.

 

[Jale]

Hi @Tsarina , so glad that the rabbits and people are working out for you.

There is no timeline for making decisions regarding ashes, you do what you feel is right for you. I've got my Dad's ashes here sitting on our sideboard, the plan is that when something happens to mum then they will be buried together. I'm glad I'm not the only one who talks to them - I do it every day.

 

[MowgliGirl02]

I received my beloved mother’s ashes today. I have no plans as to what to do with them. I know that I want her with me. I think I will mix her with my father when the time comes that he passes, but you don’t need to rush into anything. There isn’t a time limit.
Remember you are not alone. ❤️

 

[Spottydog]

My mum wanted her ashes to be put in the Thames. I bought a special box off the internet which I then personalised. The night before I took her to her favourite London hotel and she spent the night on top of the wardrobe as the room was so small. She then got a send off at high tide with some crisps, favourite chocs and a sudoku for company. I did keep a few of her ashes back and I think she will be reunited with my dad when the time comes.