Starting In Residential Care

[jac69]

My 69yr old husband went into residential care on Monday. I've known for the last 6 months that it was inevitable as he has no quality of life and is becoming more difficult to look after 24/7. I'm sure I have no need to go into details. I thought it would be December before he had to go into care but it seem his brain took another jump into oblivion sooner than expected. I'm really writing for me. I feel so bad, not about him being in care because it is the best place for him but the loss of his physical presence in the house, cooking all his favourite meals and cakes Walking him to the cafe for bacon rolls or cake. I never expected to feel this bad because I'm a very practical and logical person. Last time I felt this bad was when my first husband of 35years died. I've only been married this time for 6 years so the grief I feel at the moment is confusing. I feel like he has died because I know his phyical presence will never come home again. I know the man I met and married has long gone. He bears no resemblance to the big healthy funny person he was. He is virtually non verbal. Just sitting in his chair all day or pacing back and forth all night just checking he will say.
I can visit him in 14 days this is to allow him to adjust and settle into new routines. So why does it hurt so much I've been crying for 4 days now. I tell myself its guilt I should have done more shouted less been kinder but my lifes philosphy has been do the best you can with the information you have and you should never have any regrets. I'm just wandering about the house wondering what to do with all the time I have now. I've washed all his clothes because he was putting dirty clothes back in drawers and wardrobes I've scrubbed his bathroom top to bottom just to keep busy. I'm just so so sad

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh @jac69 I really do feel for you, your love for your husband shines through your post. And what a hard life you have had, to first lose one husband and now for your second to have to go into residential care. No wonder you are sad. It is going to take time for you to get used to this new reality.

All of your feelings are perfectly normal, even wondering if you should have done more and shouted less, I think that most of us carers feel that every day. Dementia is such a cruel disease, both for the person and for their carer. You will still be your husband's carer when he is in the nursing home, just in a different way, you will be advocating for him, looking after his interests and hopefully still enjoying cake together.

 

[SharoH]

Hi @jac69
I’m so sorry you are feeling pain at the moment but please don’t feel guilty, what you’re probably doing is grieving the loss of the man you married and the relationship you had with him. This has now gone, never to return and it takes a lot of getting used to.
My OH is still at home and I think I’ve already begun the grieving process because I don’t recognise the person I married. I long for a normal conversation, a hug, some intimacy, a belly laugh, doing things spontaneously- the list goes on. I then feel guilty for thinking like this but I’ve found talking about it does help.
Think about what you’ve been through with your OH, how you looked after him, the things you didn’t do before that suddenly became ‘your job’.
You’ve been running on adrenaline and now he’s not physically there with you, no wonder you’re feeling sad. I think it’s all part of the process that we all go through at some stage.
Take a breath, know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling but please try and be kind to yourself. Sending you a big hug.

 

[Angel55]

Hello @jac69❤️

I think everything you feel is ' normal'. You can of course still care for your husband but the huge physical and emotional aspects of day to day which become so difficult will be of course much, much less. A new 'normal' will eventually come once you begin a routine of visiting and gingerly have to start to look at how life will be.

I am grieving about my Dad. Dad is still here but he isn't the old Dad but a different version. It feels like being lost at sea with some days being better than others and so much of our time was spent caring when he was at home, it is hard to work out what to do sometimes. I actually found myself missing that sometimes even though it was not a great time by any means. I am sending you some kind thoughts and a cyber hug xx. You have the understanding and empathy of the forum behind you if you need it 💗

 

[canary]

The way you are feeling is normal - it is called anticipatory grief.
Please be kind to yourself
xx

 

[jac69]

Oh @jac69 I really do feel for you, your love for your husband shines through your post. And what a hard life you have had, to first lose one husband and now for your second to have to go into residential care. No wonder you are sad. It is going to take time for you to get used to this new reality.

All of your feelings are perfectly normal, even wondering if you should have done more and shouted less, I think that most of us carers feel that every day. Dementia is such a cruel disease, both for the person and for their carer. You will still be your husband's carer when he is in the nursing home, just in a different way, you will be advocating for him, looking after his interests and hopefully still enjoying cake together.

Thankyou you have made me feel much better. I picked out 7 of his favourite pictures some of the dogs some of me with the dogs and a couple of wedding pics they will be made into two large cancas style montages to go on his wall so while he may forget me he will have some memory of the pictures content. An it will give him something to show the carers when they come into his room

 

[jugglingmum]

4 days isn't a very long time for you to come to terms with things, so give yourself time and remember it was the dementia that made this happen.

I put large canvas photos in my mum's room. On the one of the 4 grandchildren I put little stickers saying the name of the grandchild, their date of birth/age and which of her children they belonged to so the carers could talk about them. The feedback from the carers was the stickers were helpful, and I think it helped the carers relate to her.

 

[Kristo]

Canvas photos are a fantastic idea, all the copies of photos that I have taken into Dad’s care home have disappeared! He now has someone else’s wedding photo in his room instead, along with random tubes of other people’s toothpaste! I am going to ask the home if I can personalise his room a bit more with some things that are actually attached to the wall.

Anticipatory grief is so real - have you contacted your local carer’s association to ask them about the availability of any counselling? It might help - something I certainly should do, but have been putting it off by keeping myself so busy and telling all my friends and family that I am fine. I am so not fine, every time I see Dad I can see him but I know that it’s not him. So hard to explain. Thinking of you all, it’s so hard x

 

[jac69]

Thankyou to everyone that responded. I'm feeling a bit better today and I try to remember all the good times we had. I'm just doing a bit every day and one trip to the charity shop each day This week it was 36 tee shirts, 12 pairs of jeans and 8 tracksuit bottoms and he still has plenty left. I've made up vacum bags of 2 changes of clothes so when the care home ask for more clothes I have a pack ready for them. I have about 6 of these packs. He had been buying stuff and not wearing it for over a year now. I guess it broke the boredom when wqe were out and he said he wanted new clothes so I just went along with it