So, what’s my Pauline been up to today?

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
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Lincolnshire
I think it adds to the fun, trying to work out where things have gone. He tends to put the bottles away as they are heavy then gets in my way after that
Sounds a bit like our ‘putting the shop away’ too. 😁 But I agree, I think it is so good and so important, even if somewhat of a ‘dance’, and hide and seek. Isn’t it wonderful when these ‘lost’ skills make these unexpected reappearance.
 

Agzy

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Nov 16, 2016
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Moreton, Wirral. UK.
As it is Sunday morning I am an ogre and not someone to be nice to but to get upset by as happens on Friday and Monday evenings too. The evening upsets I can really relate to as they upset me in that it has to be done according to her GP, and that is providing a vaginal insertion of oestrogen cream, a procedure that is embarrassing for both and I think humiliating for Pauline. It is to help avoid/prevent UTI’s and seems to work and she understands and accepts it needs to be done just not the how.
Sunday mornings are totally different as it is all about one tablet and a pint of water Half an hour before breakfast. Each week the reactions are the same, pure fury and argument then refusal to eat her breakfast. I have repeatedly explained that it is to help bone density and so relive her back pain caused by Osteoporosis at base of her spine, but no explanations are acceptable and her temper will simmer for hours as she sits either with her eyes shut or staring at the wall with her thumbs twiddling at a fair rate of knots. She will not even allow the TV or radio to be turned on so it is a tense silent time. It will pass and not particularly stressful for me and more of a nuisance and on the face of it a very petty issue but I hate seeing her like this but needs must I suppose.
 

Chizz

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Jan 10, 2023
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Kent
Sorry to read about your troubles with medication for Pauline, but it is a tough ask.
Best wishes for inspiration for you to get winning ways to achieve the goal.
 

Agzy

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Nov 16, 2016
3,918
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Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Hate to admit it but I just sort of lost it this morning. I had a message yesterday from my daughter asking if we could meet for coffee this morning so I agreed and told Pauline and also put it on the white reminder board which she was since fixated on. “Secret meetings.” “No one ever invites me out.” “I want to come too.” Just a flavour of constant liturgy of complains and accusations and I departed for the meeting to glowering looks and repetitious complaints as I couldn’t wait to sit and chat to an intelligent human being. It turned out that. she, my daughter, wanted to talk about possible respite breaks/holiday chooses we could share and wanted some quality time with me in between and we had a lovely hour together which I paid for as soon as I walked through our front door! For some reason I wasn’t expecting it nor the force of it and retaliated by shouting back and we both ended in tears. I just want a bit of normality and fun but Alzheimer’s is just so unforgiving and uncaring. I have asked my daughter to research and choose a break of her choosing and am determined it will happen somehow.
 

Izzy

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Aug 31, 2003
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Dundee
I’m so sorry to hear about this morning @Agzy. It must have been hard after spending such a nice time with your daughter. I do hope you can get the respite break sorted out.
 

Agzy

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Nov 16, 2016
3,918
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Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I’m so sorry to hear about this morning @Agzy. It must have been hard after spending such a nice time with your daughter. I do hope you can get the respite break sorted out.
Thank you, Izzy, at my wits end and although peace has broken out (Classic Corrie is on TV) I feel so down and, daft as it is, disappointed.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,343
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Kent
Your up and down experiences hardly give you a chance to breathe Agzy.

I’m sorry the lovely hour you had with your daughter couldn’t be appreciated by Pauline. It was experiences like these that made me almost housebound. My husband couldn’t cope with having me return from an outing with a happy face.

It wasn’t meanness on his part. He was just so miserable in his dementia it was almost as if I was being disrespectful, being happy when he was so confused and sad.

Please get your respite sorted as soon as possible.
 

scotlass

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Jul 9, 2023
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it feels as if everything revolves around the PWD. and no matter how hard you try, it's never right, .you deserve a break, and I hope you get one with your daughter....and don't feel guilty if you do...
 

Chizz

Registered User
Jan 10, 2023
4,040
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Kent
Hear hear @Agzy

Yes, one gets used to the fact that my life is my OH's life, with a few breaks here and there.
@Agzy you have to take the chances of some relief if at all possible. Can Pauline's son step in, or has it got to be a respite stay for Pauline somewhere else?
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
3,918
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Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Hear hear @Agzy

Yes, one gets used to the fact that my life is my OH's life, with a few breaks here and there.
@Agzy you have to take the chances of some relief if at all possible. Can Pauline's son step in, or has it got to be a respite stay for Pauline somewhere else?
I have asked and although they seem to agree to be more helpful but since the discussion we actually see less of them. They seem to believe that a half hour visit once a week is supportive but I just make their lives easier in what I do for their mum.
 

Agzy

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Nov 16, 2016
3,918
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Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I must thank admin and others for help and support offered in the past 24 hours but, as I explained, when you live in a cocoon or bubble with a dementia sufferer it isn’t easy to just pick up the phone and have serious and in depth conversations about them and the illness they have, it just can’t happen.
It is the same for all the carers support groups in the community, I cannot just up and leave her for several hours without proper explanation via the white board knowing family help for her is thin on the ground.
What I do know is my perception of what caring would mean when all this started was way off beam as I just couldn’t have imagined the mental corkscrewing torture that comes with the physical challenges. Thank you all again and now for our wonderful Tuesday group and then this afternoon a song-a-long to guys with guitars 😊.
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
861
0
Lincolnshire
I must thank admin and others for help and support offered in the past 24 hours but, as I explained, when you live in a cocoon or bubble with a dementia sufferer it isn’t easy to just pick up the phone and have serious and in depth conversations about them and the illness they have, it just can’t happen.
It is the same for all the carers support groups in the community, I cannot just up and leave her for several hours without proper explanation via the white board knowing family help for her is thin on the ground.
What I do know is my perception of what caring would mean when all this started was way off beam as I just couldn’t have imagined the mental corkscrewing torture that comes with the physical challenges. Thank you all again and now for our wonderful Tuesday group and then this afternoon a song-a-long to guys with guitars 😊.
Hope the Tuesday Group and sing a long help Agzy. You are sounding very down. I do hope Pauline is her cheerful self today. I think her jealous behaviour is probably due to anxiety and insecurity (my OH can be similar), but I know know know that does not make it any easier to deal with ….. On a much lighter note I left my OH for one hour yesterday late afternoon to visit my daughter and this morning have noticed that while I was out he had pulled down all of one of my beautiful clematis which was in full flower. I cried, and am now trying to put it to one side before he comes downstairs as saying anything is NOT a good idea and will not lead to a happy day. Trying to laugh doesn’t always work. Fingers crossed for a good day for you both.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,371
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South coast
Just a thought Agzy, but maybe this is a time for love lies?
Instead of telling her that you are going to have coffee with your daughter, say that you are going to the dentist, or something else that she wouldnt want to come to and will not be seen as you having a good time without her.

I know that she is going on about you having "secret meetings", but this is the dementia paranoia hitting in. OH used to think that I was having affairs and was going off to see my lover even when I had told him, quite truthfully, that I was seeing my counsellor. Transparency and honesty doesnt always work
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
2,428
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Surrey
I hope the Tuesday group brings some smiles and joys for you both.

i feel the heartache in your situation 😢😢 It looks like Pauline’s sons are not going to be able to help you.

In your heart of hearts what do you think is the way forward?

And don’t forget…..you have done wonders in getting the Thursday group running successfully!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
24,687
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Southampton
Hope you have some fun at your group. I have admired you and the way you have managed things. I suppose her sons see you coping and just let it go
You have to think of yourself and your needs which were also different at the beginning
 

Chizz

Registered User
Jan 10, 2023
4,040
0
Kent
Hi @Agzy - just my thoughts:
if P's son can't or won't step in, can you consider Pauline in respite accommodation in a local care home - like she was going on holiday, when you want to go to Canada.
Is there a suitable place not too far away? What would it cost? and can you afford that as well as Canada trip?