short term memory
- Thread starter jay6
- Start date
Oh yes
Mum could certainly remember I'd stopped her driving, first question she asked every time I called round, but other things were forgotten in 5 minutes
Mum could certainly remember I'd stopped her driving, first question she asked every time I called round, but other things were forgotten in 5 minutes
Retention of emotions is better than that of facts, perhaps your Mum was annoyed with you.
Yes, and as above, it does seem linked to emotion from what I’ve seen.
If my mum gets particularly anxious about something, it sticks in her mind and she fixates on it. We went through weeks of her repeatedly asking about “the man who was coming round to chop down all the trees”. In reality, Dad had hired a tree surgeon to do a healthcheck of the trees in their garden, and he’d trimmed off a couple of dead branches. Then there were the curtain hooks, when she and my father hadn’t been able to find the right ones for their curtain rails when they first went shopping. There followed months of detailed conversations about hanging curtains. Even after the right hooks had been bought and they’d been put up.
It extends to other things as well. Usually, Mum can read but not put together the meaning of the words she’s reading. But if she opens a letter from the local memory clinic, the words ‘dementia’ and ‘Alzheimer’s’ will throw her into a fury.
If my mum gets particularly anxious about something, it sticks in her mind and she fixates on it. We went through weeks of her repeatedly asking about “the man who was coming round to chop down all the trees”. In reality, Dad had hired a tree surgeon to do a healthcheck of the trees in their garden, and he’d trimmed off a couple of dead branches. Then there were the curtain hooks, when she and my father hadn’t been able to find the right ones for their curtain rails when they first went shopping. There followed months of detailed conversations about hanging curtains. Even after the right hooks had been bought and they’d been put up.
It extends to other things as well. Usually, Mum can read but not put together the meaning of the words she’s reading. But if she opens a letter from the local memory clinic, the words ‘dementia’ and ‘Alzheimer’s’ will throw her into a fury.
my husband can be the same. he might not remember he has to go some where but when it comes with the date that money goes in the bank, he never misses and gets me to check its there.
@nitram The video was interesting but I'm not really sure it answered the problems with 'selected' memory.'
My OH is a bit like @jennifer1967's. He might 'forget' some things but really with it when it suits him. Easy for him to say 'Oh I don't remember' when been nasty or abusive towards me a few hours later, but definitely on the ball when it comes to waiting for a bank statement to check or if I'd said we could do something.
I constantly get 'I don't remember' when he's been abusive, yet when it comes to me doing something for him or me taking him somewhere (He can't drive anymore) memory problems don't exist. He can remember what days he goes to memory group, when bank statements due, doctors appointments, needing to check oil for boiler which is only something we've needed for the last 10 years so not an old memory, When grass needs cutting, food needs ordering, car needs service or m.o.t. etc. etc. Funny that!!!
My OH is a bit like @jennifer1967's. He might 'forget' some things but really with it when it suits him. Easy for him to say 'Oh I don't remember' when been nasty or abusive towards me a few hours later, but definitely on the ball when it comes to waiting for a bank statement to check or if I'd said we could do something.
I constantly get 'I don't remember' when he's been abusive, yet when it comes to me doing something for him or me taking him somewhere (He can't drive anymore) memory problems don't exist. He can remember what days he goes to memory group, when bank statements due, doctors appointments, needing to check oil for boiler which is only something we've needed for the last 10 years so not an old memory, When grass needs cutting, food needs ordering, car needs service or m.o.t. etc. etc. Funny that!!!
mine always remembers when his money goes in the bank or something he has watched on tv, came out with all the facts of a humming bird, how many times they flap their wings in a minute, that they take 30 minutes to recover. then you say something that hes not really interested in, he doesnt listen and definitely cant remember it.
My OH can remember facts like important (to him) dates and if we are doing something because he knows about it. But he can't "recall" things that he has done or said. Sometimes he will memorise that something has happened, but only as a simple statement and cannot recall any details
There seems, in his case at least, a difference between knowing and recalling
There seems, in his case at least, a difference between knowing and recalling
Exactly, selective memory when it suits. If mine isn't interested in something. Usually because it won't effect him or if its something where he won't get his own way, the memory fails 😂😂😂 But as soon as its not going his way, the memory is brilliant and he can tell me what I've said or done to the last detail.
Some days this kind of thing is funny but some days it nearly pushes me over the edge! 😤
Unfortunately I never see it as funny because he only 'forgets' when it suits him and only 'forgets' when it doesn't actually effect HIM.
i think it was the humming bird that surprised me. all the technical detail that he was teaching me.
my mum lived with us when she had dementia...a long time ago...it was when you went to the post office to collect you pension. I alway collected mums and gave it all to her, until she started handing money out to Tom Dick and Harry, then I only gave her a little and put the rest away for her...however one day I asked her how much she thought I had saved for her...and she could tell me to the nearest pound how much there was...the only way she could have known was by knowing how much she got for a weekly pension and how many weeks I had been saving it for her...I was gobsmacked....this coming from the woman who thought I was her mother...
AS a PWD these posts annoy me. Having a brain with reduced placticity and reducing function, how are we expected to internalise short term memory things. Carers and relatives have a different agenda and I respect this. But to state someone (for eg) who can remember not be told to drive anymore (a long term set down memory) vs. a 'recent' event is not understanding the situation. It is easy to become annoyed and frustrated with our supposed 'selective' memory, but being on the other side of the coin is no joke.
I am sorry these comments have annoyed you, Dunroamin. They would annoy my OH too if he read them. We are just trying to make sense of what happens when our partner ‘s short-term memory can work sometimes and not others. But I suppose that is a waste of time as dementia throws logic out the window.
Sorry you felt annoyed Dunroamin. It wasn't my intension to make it seem to be the 'norm' with dementia, but it is a reality some of us face.
I would never say every PWD has selective memory. Some really do forget and that's very sad but in some cases like my OH, it definitely is very selected.
I'm not a PWD, I'm only caring for one, however I have a lot of sympathy when it comes to this, as when I am stressed and overwhelmed (which is a lot of the time at the moment) my memory and cognitive abilities deteriorate to such an extent that it frightens me, although I am getting more used to it now. People i know well think I'm joking when I describe it. I don't worry enough to seek medical advice because if I do ever get to relax for a day or so and get plenty of sleep, it gets much better and I don't have any significant issues then, so I'm pretty sure it is just stress and sleep depravation in my case. I do find it curious though (when I have time to think about it) which things I can remember very clearly, and which things may as well have never happened.
There is clearly some subconscious filtering going on with me which determines whether or not something is going to stick in my head and I guess it is the same for PWD. I can often sense at the time which things I'm going to remember and which things I just won't, and I'm absolutely powerless to change which bucket they fall into, regardless of how much I want to.
I'm hyper vigilant when it comes to anything related to finances or when watching out for the reactions and behaviour of the relative I care for because I'm so scared of messing up, so I am usually very confident in my ability to recall things relating to those things, as I normally remember them with great clarity and can recall them off the top of my head without trying. However, names of people I met since the start of the pandemic are impossible for me to retain without a massive amount of repetition and even then if I don't see that person for a few months I'll forget again. Most appointments are impossible for me to remember too so I have to check my diary about ten times a day ( I missed a dental appointment today despite only booking it yesterday!). Even things I desperately want to do such as a yoga class I will forget unless I set an alarm, and even then I am prone to forgetting a few seconds after the alarm has gone off if something distracts me. I have to put post it notes up and write on my hand in order to get the bins out on the right day (writing on my hand is the best method!). I'm totally reliant on my to do lists, and I forget to eat unless I'm hungry, but on the other hand I can always remember very well exactly what I have eaten and what I have in the fridge.
There is a badminton class near me on a Friday night at 8pm which I love going to, and the most wonderful group of people attend and they always make me feel so welcome. There is a huge age range and some of them have autism and learning difficulties so it is very inclusive, and they are incredibly kind, supportive and non judgemental but I rarely go because I'm always absolutely shattered by that time on a Friday evening and it's not just the feeling tired that prevents me from going, but the problem is I just can't bear to risk hurting their feelings by coming over as uncaring or giving the impression I'm not interested in them, because I can't remember their names (I first met these folks getting on for three years ago and have written them down and I have no health conditions or disabilities myself, so I feel I have no excuse) or I can't hold up my end of the conversations. I know I will not be able to remember all the things they told me the week before so I will neglect to ask them about their holiday or something significant that they confided in me, such as a funeral they were nervous about attending or whatever. I care deeply about these folks and would love to spend more time with them, but something in my brain has decided that these interaction are not priority when the memory bank is getting full, and however much I try I can't remember enough to be able to interact with them in the way I would like to and my fear of coming over as rude or self absorbed or uncaring outweighs my very strong desire to join in, which is really sad.
It's the same with close friends and family members, although fortunately they repeat themselves quite a lot and don't wait for me to ask questions or show an interest before they tell me what's happening with them, so that helps me out a lot!!
I do think there is some kind of selection process going on that determines what I can remember and what I can't, but it is not conscious and it's not something I have any control over. It certainly isn't based on how much love I feel for the people I am interacting with. I hope in sharing this it might help / reassure a bit.
There is clearly some subconscious filtering going on with me which determines whether or not something is going to stick in my head and I guess it is the same for PWD. I can often sense at the time which things I'm going to remember and which things I just won't, and I'm absolutely powerless to change which bucket they fall into, regardless of how much I want to.
I'm hyper vigilant when it comes to anything related to finances or when watching out for the reactions and behaviour of the relative I care for because I'm so scared of messing up, so I am usually very confident in my ability to recall things relating to those things, as I normally remember them with great clarity and can recall them off the top of my head without trying. However, names of people I met since the start of the pandemic are impossible for me to retain without a massive amount of repetition and even then if I don't see that person for a few months I'll forget again. Most appointments are impossible for me to remember too so I have to check my diary about ten times a day ( I missed a dental appointment today despite only booking it yesterday!). Even things I desperately want to do such as a yoga class I will forget unless I set an alarm, and even then I am prone to forgetting a few seconds after the alarm has gone off if something distracts me. I have to put post it notes up and write on my hand in order to get the bins out on the right day (writing on my hand is the best method!). I'm totally reliant on my to do lists, and I forget to eat unless I'm hungry, but on the other hand I can always remember very well exactly what I have eaten and what I have in the fridge.
There is a badminton class near me on a Friday night at 8pm which I love going to, and the most wonderful group of people attend and they always make me feel so welcome. There is a huge age range and some of them have autism and learning difficulties so it is very inclusive, and they are incredibly kind, supportive and non judgemental but I rarely go because I'm always absolutely shattered by that time on a Friday evening and it's not just the feeling tired that prevents me from going, but the problem is I just can't bear to risk hurting their feelings by coming over as uncaring or giving the impression I'm not interested in them, because I can't remember their names (I first met these folks getting on for three years ago and have written them down and I have no health conditions or disabilities myself, so I feel I have no excuse) or I can't hold up my end of the conversations. I know I will not be able to remember all the things they told me the week before so I will neglect to ask them about their holiday or something significant that they confided in me, such as a funeral they were nervous about attending or whatever. I care deeply about these folks and would love to spend more time with them, but something in my brain has decided that these interaction are not priority when the memory bank is getting full, and however much I try I can't remember enough to be able to interact with them in the way I would like to and my fear of coming over as rude or self absorbed or uncaring outweighs my very strong desire to join in, which is really sad.
It's the same with close friends and family members, although fortunately they repeat themselves quite a lot and don't wait for me to ask questions or show an interest before they tell me what's happening with them, so that helps me out a lot!!
I do think there is some kind of selection process going on that determines what I can remember and what I can't, but it is not conscious and it's not something I have any control over. It certainly isn't based on how much love I feel for the people I am interacting with. I hope in sharing this it might help / reassure a bit.
Apart from the effort needed to get out, and indeed to play badminton on a Friday evening, you shouldn’t not go there because you might forget people’s names or what they spoke about the previous week. Nobody would expect you to remember what they told you in the previous weeks! Even if they did, you just say “I’ve had a hectic week” or “I’m pretty tired tonight and the brain’s not working as well as it should!”. There’s no shame in forgetting things like that, you expect too much from yourself @Natalie J !
I knew as I was typing there was a bit more to it than what I described with the badminton, but I couldn't remember what. Now it has come back to me - I have also had trouble when people ask me questions, and I can't remember enough to give sensible answers and I'm useless at blagging my way through it. I get embarrassed when I can't remember the answers to simple questions like what I have been up to at the weekend, and I can't memorise any stock answers to help me muddle through. The worst thing is when I can't remember the answer to a very specific question and I totally unconsciously try to blag my way through (I can't help it it's like I'm watching someone else talking and have no control over what's coming out of my mouth, it's very odd) and I end up coming out with rubbish! I'll sometimes suddenly recall the conversation a day or two later and I'm horrified by what I've said because it would have been blatantly obvious I was lying or talking rubbish. It was really scary when I discovered I had started doing this and i worried it would jeopardise my friendships because I thought people would think I was dishonest or a compulsive liar. For example, I was talking about a redundancy that happened a year before the conversation took place and I was talking about how was still struggling to come to terms with it. The person I was talking to asked me how long ago I was made redundant and looking back on it I couldn't recall that information but just came out with the date I started working for the company instead. I only realised the mistake a few days later. I don't know what made me suddenly remember but I was horrified. It must have made me look like I was an even bigger emotional wreck than I was because I was getting teary and unable to get over something that according to what I told them happened 15 years ago, when in reality it was only 12 months ago. Stuff like that when I loose control of my mouth and spout rubbish to mask the fact I can't remember things without even realising what I am doing really puts the wind up me. Sometimes i can tell from the reaction I'm getting that I've said something odd or something that doesn't tie up, but by the time I've noticed that reaction I either can't recall what i just said and I'm too embarrassed to ask them to repeat back to me what I've told them, or I know i wouldn't be able to tell whether what I said was correct or not because in that moment I can't remember what actually happened, and therefore I can't check if that's the same as what I said or not.
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