Says 'No' to everything

[Andy63]

My Lesley has suffered from Altzheimers for 7 years or more now and life us becoming more of a challenge. The main issue issue I have at the moment Lesley says 'No' to everything I ask. So no I am not going to bed, or to the toilet, or to help me dress or undress her, or to wash her. I try every trick in the book and I get there in the end, but Oh its so wearing! Any ideas would be really appreciated from those who have experienced the same?
Thank you

 

[Springiscoming]

That’s really tough. Exhausting. My own mum says no but doesn’t physically resist - yet - so it’s a combination of stealth (this morning I “stole” her trousers leaving the clean ones as the only option, going ahead anyway, gentle persuasion and giving up if it’s not crucial to her wellbeing.
Do you have any help with Lesley and do you/she get Attendance Allowance and carers’ allowance if your not retirement age yet? If you are coping alone, it’s a lot!

 

[Andy63]

Thanks for your comments. I have two carers attending once a week to bathe Lesley since she fell in the shower and it took me a hour to lift her out! It the 'No' along with the aggressive resistance I struggle with. Aktzheimers us making her 'Lazy', no I won't stand up to go to the toilet, even though she us badly soiled. I have plenty of hair and slowly pulling it out!! Yes, Lesley receives the higher Attendance Allowance, do not qualify for anything else. I am 78 and Lesley 80 years old.
Appreciate your comments, it good to chat.

 

[loubo80!]

Hello , apologies I posted in the wrong place sorry I am new here too

 

[DaftDad]

Thanks for your comments. I have two carers attending once a week to bathe Lesley since she fell in the shower and it took me a hour to lift her out! It the 'No' along with the aggressive resistance I struggle with. Aktzheimers us making her 'Lazy', no I won't stand up to go to the toilet, even though she us badly soiled. I have plenty of hair and slowly pulling it out!! Yes, Lesley receives the higher Attendance Allowance, do not qualify for anything else. I am 78 and Lesley 80 years old.
Appreciate your comments, it good to chat.

@Andy63 it sounds like you would benefit from more carer input. Once a week isn't much. Could you ask the social care people at your local council to carry out a needs assessment, and perhaps have two care visits daily? That might aid with bathing, dressing, getting ready for bed etc?

It's really hard, because it seems saying 'no' to everything is a fairly common thing in dementia and there are no easy solutions. You have to try and trick them or distract. E.g, would playing music whilst getting ready help to distract?

You have my sympathies, it's so difficult.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Thanks for your comments. I have two carers attending once a week to bathe Lesley since she fell in the shower and it took me a hour to lift her out! It the 'No' along with the aggressive resistance I struggle with. Aktzheimers us making her 'Lazy', no I won't stand up to go to the toilet, even though she us badly soiled. I have plenty of hair and slowly pulling it out!! Yes, Lesley receives the higher Attendance Allowance, do not qualify for anything else. I am 78 and Lesley 80 years old.
Appreciate your comments, it good to chat.

Hello @Andy63 I don't think that the Alzheimer's is making your wife lazy, it is more likely that her resistance is due to a combination of fear and the natural resistance to care that many people with dementia have. It is still hard to deal with though.
I would agree with @DaftDad, it sounds as if you could do with more regular help with your wife. It might be a good idea to contact your local adult social services to arrange a needs assessment for your wife and a carers assessment for yourself. Following one of these assessments I now get a a couple of respite breaks each week and it makes such a difference to my ability to cope.

 

[Andy63]

Thanks for your comments. How do the respite breaks work? Is it just for an hour? I suppose it comes at a cost as I do not qualify for financial support. I have learnt to smile whenever addressing Lesley and to hide best possible the turmoil I feel inside. It's the feeling of being trapped in a circle of care and no escape! I am not alone in this, it just feels like it! Your responses are really helpful, improves my mood no end.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Thanks for your comments. How do the respite breaks work? Is it just for an hour? I suppose it comes at a cost as I do not qualify for financial support. I have learnt to smile whenever addressing Lesley and to hide best possible the turmoil I feel inside. It's the feeling of being trapped in a circle of care and no escape! I am not alone in this, it just feels like it! Your responses are really helpful, improves my mood no end.

I get two hours one day and four on another, and it is paid for by the local social services. Unfortunately different areas have different rules about who is entitled to help, but it might be worth contacting your social services again to see if you would be entitled to more help.

 

[Andy63]

Thank you, good idea, I will make enquiries

 

[Elle3]

I found distraction techniques worked with my dad and I stopped asking him direct questions that can be a yes or no answer. If I couldn't get him to go to the bathroom to wash or change his clothes, then I brought a basin and flannel to him and just gave it to him and suggested to him that he washed his face with it and would say things to him like, that feels good, now lets remove this and wash your arms etc etc and just did it bit by bit but I also knew when to give in and stop. In order to get him to change his clothes I'd bring him choices but also say oh this one is your favourite, let's put this on, this didn't always give him chance to say no, I kept my voice positive and tried to make things fun and like a game.

 

[Andy63]

Very helpful comments Elle3 thank you. Knowing when to give up and stop might be a useful 'valve' for me.

 

[Andy63]

I get two hours one day and four on another, and it is paid for by the local social services. Unfortunately different areas have different rules about who is entitled to help, but it might be worth contacting your social services again to see if you would be entitled to more help.

Seaswallow. You are a star. Found out Croydon Council offer 50hrs free respite care per year, taken over a given period or all at once? I have emailed them. Croydon Council is bankrupt, so they promise to respond within 21 days!🙄

 

[SeaSwallow]

Seaswallow. You are a star. Found out Croydon Council offer 50hrs free respite care per year, taken over a given period or all at once? I have emailed them. Croydon Council is bankrupt, so they promise to respond within 21 days!🙄

Fingers crossed that they do respond positively even if it is in 21 days. Also try contacting the the adult social services department regarding more help with care.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Good luck with the respite hours!

Maybe it's time for lateral thinking? If you ask any question that requires a 'yes or no' answer, Lesley will always say 'no'. It's a kinda dementia default thing. (It's always easier to do nothing.)

So perhaps: 'Do you want breakfast before we clean you up?' If she says no, you've got a 'yes' to the clean up. Or, 'Red top or green top today? I like you in the red one!'

In other words, phrase what you say so there either isn't a yes or no answer or if there is, make sure it allows you to do the thing you want to get done. Outwit her! Or lie: 'You said you wanted to go to bed at 9 and it's nearly 9 now...'

 

[Andy63]

Good luck with the respite hours!

Maybe it's time for lateral thinking? If you ask any question that requires a 'yes or no' answer, Lesley will always say 'no'. It's a kinda dementia default thing. (It's always easier to do nothing.)

So perhaps: 'Do you want breakfast before we clean you up?' If she says no, you've got a 'yes' to the clean up. Or, 'Red top or green top today? I like you in the red one!'

In other words, phrase what you say so there either isn't a yes or no answer or if there is, make sure it allows you to do the thing you want to get done. Outwit her! Or lie: 'You said you wanted to go to bed at 9 and it's nearly 9 now...'

Good thinking Jadednfaded, I will try that. Sadly Lesley cannot communicate now and understands very little of what I say. I use words like 'stand' and 'sit' and they can work sometimes?