Options?

[savoysuit]

My mother lives with my dad, who is suffering from dementia and daily bouts of delirium. The delirium has taken a bit of a turn recently, as he’s started to get mildly physically aggressive (he’s been verbally aggressive for a while). I am not sure how much longer she can continue to care for him, and frankly, I am concerned for her safety. As he will almost certainly get worse, I don’t know what he could do… as he doesn’t know who she is a lot of the time and thinks she’s stolen stuff or is an intruder.

My parents aren’t rich, but they may just barely be able to scrape enough to afford a care home of some kind (this is in Ontario, Canada). My dad doesn’t know he has dementia (it hasn’t been officially diagnosed as he would never cooperate to get any tests done), would never admit to it, and thinks he’s fine. He will also never ever willingly go live in a care home of any kind (especially since he thinks he’s fine). He is a full-blown narcissist and has been his whole life… but his current mental situation obviously has made him the worst possible version of himself.

Are there ways, if need be, to have someone force my dad into another living situation? We can’t have any care/medical people come to my parents' home, as he won’t let any strangers in the house. I honestly have no idea how this would work, and my mom has limited time/abilities at the moment to research this herself.

Thank you so much!

 

[Collywobbles]

If your Mom fears for her safety, she should call the police. I can’t comment on the situation in Canada, but in the UK, if someone with dementia is deemed by the police to be a risk to others, then they have the ability to call in a mental health team, who in turn are empowered to take someone into secure care against their will.

Please advise your Mom to keep her mobile phone on her at all times, and plan which rooms she could lock herself in while waiting for the emergency services.

Sad to say, but this situation is not unusual and it generally takes some kind of crisis to involve outside support.

 

[savoysuit]

Thank you for the response. Yes, I agree. I am worried that she wouldn't want to call the police on him because they might treat him badly - he might at that point even try to resist or confront the police... who knows. She (understandably to some degree) feels sorry for him and doesn't want harm to come to him.

Good thought about the phone and the lockable room (of which there's not really one... but anyway)

 

[Louise7]

Hello @savoysuit the situation with your parents sounds worrying. I'm not sure of how the care/health system works in Canada but you may find this link to the Ontario Alzheimers Society helpful as they offer help and support so should be able to advise you about available options:

Help and support

Whether you want to learn more about the programs and services we offer, or find dementia-related information specific to your needs, the Alzheimer Society has the education and resources to help you.

alzheimer.ca

 

[Collywobbles]

Thank you for the response. Yes, I agree. I am worried that she wouldn't want to call the police on him because they might treat him badly - he might at that point even try to resist or confront the police... who knows. She (understandably to some degree) feels sorry for him and doesn't want harm to come to him.

Good thought about the phone and the lockable room (of which there's not really one... but anyway)

In the UK, the police would just assess the situation, then call in a team of mental health experts specifically trained to handle the situation in a low-key way. Do check out how it works in Canada. I’m pretty sure the routine rough-handling of essentially sick folks by police, wouldn’t be tolerated there any more than it is here.

Hopefully your parents’ bathroom has a lock? That seems to be a standard refuge for those who unfortunately need a safe place.

Sending all best wishes for this horrible situation.

 

[LewyDementiaCarer]

Is it possible to contact his Dr with your concerns, and explain the situation? They may be able to call him in for a generic 'check up', and then carry out a mental assessment once he is there.

I would also make sure your mum has her phone on her at all times, tell her if he gets abusive she must try and leave the house immediately as safely, quickly & quietly as possible and have the police and close family members on speed dial too.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'm sure your mum's fears the police may treat him badly are unfounded.

This won't be a new situation for them and they will have protocols in place for how to deal with an old, frail, but violent person with dementia.

Why not get in touch with your parents' local police and ask their advice on what your mum should do (and how they could assist) if your dad does become physically violent? And definitely put in a safeguarding report with social services - that way, even if they can't won't act immediately, he will be on their radar.