Very bad day today. My wife has not yet been diagnosed with dementia but the symptoms seem to be getting worse every day so it can only be a matter of time before it happens. Today she is insisting that I am not her husband of 20+ years but one of his friends. I have tried to tell her who I am and shown her my passport but she still won’t accept it. Should I keep trying to convince her or should I just go along with it?
My wife thinks I am someone else
- Thread starter Neil46
- Start date
I had the same thing happen to me, at various times I was husband, neighbour, brother in fact a whole cast of characters depending on who she thought I was that day or part of a day.
Never occured to me until I read something the other day but in the kitchen (I was the house cook) and in the car I she would know who I was, but outside the house or any room in the house I could be anyone.
Funniest one was we were in the kitchen (so I'm me) post came through the front door so I went to get it, she followed me into the hall, I have the post on my hand and she asked me if their was anything for her husband (me).
She went into the kitchen to find me and when I walked in 30 seconds later, dressed the same I was told the postman had brought me these and gave me the post back.
You have to learn to live in their world when they can no longer live on ours. K
Never occured to me until I read something the other day but in the kitchen (I was the house cook) and in the car I she would know who I was, but outside the house or any room in the house I could be anyone.
Funniest one was we were in the kitchen (so I'm me) post came through the front door so I went to get it, she followed me into the hall, I have the post on my hand and she asked me if their was anything for her husband (me).
She went into the kitchen to find me and when I walked in 30 seconds later, dressed the same I was told the postman had brought me these and gave me the post back.
You have to learn to live in their world when they can no longer live on ours. K
Hi @Neil46
I remember when my mum stopped recognising me nearly 4 years ago (at first intermittently). It is a bit of a shock!
Every dementia patient is different, of course, but I would guess as @backin says, you'll never convince her. Perhaps best not to try - I tried to convince my mum at first, but this only caused a lot of trouble.
She now seems to think I'm some sort of helper, very rarely she will recognise me for 5 minutes but that's it. It doesn't bother me now, as long as she's feeling OK, that's fine. It's rather freeing in a way.
So yes, I wouldn't try to convince her.
Do they really deep deep down not think we're us? - That would be too logical (with dementia logic goes out of the window).
It seems to me they are just making the best possible guess with the limited resources they now have.
I remember when my mum stopped recognising me nearly 4 years ago (at first intermittently). It is a bit of a shock!
Every dementia patient is different, of course, but I would guess as @backin says, you'll never convince her. Perhaps best not to try - I tried to convince my mum at first, but this only caused a lot of trouble.
She now seems to think I'm some sort of helper, very rarely she will recognise me for 5 minutes but that's it. It doesn't bother me now, as long as she's feeling OK, that's fine. It's rather freeing in a way.
So yes, I wouldn't try to convince her.
Do they really deep deep down not think we're us? - That would be too logical (with dementia logic goes out of the window).
It seems to me they are just making the best possible guess with the limited resources they now have.
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We've been together for over 60 years. My wife started with dementia about 3 years ago and the capgras syndrome (which is the condition you are talking about) started just over 1 year ago. It started when we were on a cruise when she quite obviously thought I was someone else masquerading as her husband. This came as a complete shock to me. It started on the cruise because she was out of her normal surroundings mixing with strange people on a large ship. I have found that taking her away from home for even a day exacerbates the condition.
Most days when her sundowning kicks in in the afternoon she thinks I am somebody else and her husband is out at work. While I am making dinner (as I have done for the last 4 years) she asks me to make sure I make some dinner for her husband. I used to try and argue that I was her husband but that only ended in more arguments so I now just play a dead bat and answer any questions she has in a neutral manner to prevent any argument. She eventually comes round later and recognises me again sometime during the evening.
However I am never entirely sure who she is talking to at any time during the day. It used to upset me but I realise that this is not the same loving woman I have been with for 60 years and all I can do is try to stabilise the situation.
Most days when her sundowning kicks in in the afternoon she thinks I am somebody else and her husband is out at work. While I am making dinner (as I have done for the last 4 years) she asks me to make sure I make some dinner for her husband. I used to try and argue that I was her husband but that only ended in more arguments so I now just play a dead bat and answer any questions she has in a neutral manner to prevent any argument. She eventually comes round later and recognises me again sometime during the evening.
However I am never entirely sure who she is talking to at any time during the day. It used to upset me but I realise that this is not the same loving woman I have been with for 60 years and all I can do is try to stabilise the situation.
with mine who thinks I am his mum more than 50% of the time, and is then looking for me , his wife, I resort to going to a different room and call him to say I am coming home soon, then come in after a while as me. Or I left a note saying I will be back soon and hope he sees me again (it just happens, with no rhyme or reason), and I do go outside and ring the bell for him to let me in. It works, but it saddens me
I'm sorry you are experiencing this . Sadly, it's a common symptom of dementia.
My oH thinks I'm more than one person. Part of a care team , He tells me what they've done ! He tells me about his day as if I wasn't there. He gets very muddled now and he's losing words and names of objects
It upset me at first but now I accept that I'm someone he knows,trusts and looks for if I'm not available. I'm special to him, just not in the same way. We've been together 23 years and he really was such a kind loving and compassionate man. Now, I'm afraid he really only thinks of his needs. So sad.
My oH thinks I'm more than one person. Part of a care team , He tells me what they've done ! He tells me about his day as if I wasn't there. He gets very muddled now and he's losing words and names of objects
It upset me at first but now I accept that I'm someone he knows,trusts and looks for if I'm not available. I'm special to him, just not in the same way. We've been together 23 years and he really was such a kind loving and compassionate man. Now, I'm afraid he really only thinks of his needs. So sad.
I know the feeling. My husband has Lewy Body’s and I am the only person he doesn’t always recognise. So far on a good day he’ll ask me as soon as he realises he doesn’t know me and then I tell him and sometimes bring out our Memories book… a book of photos from when we met 60 years ago through to now with names,dates and places in it. This seems to help but alas it doesn’t last long. On a bad day (he says later) he knows he doesn’t know who I am but he doesn’t like to ask me. I know when this happens as he asks a really silly question like “ do you enjoy living here.” In a tone of voice he’d use to a stranger. to And it takes him a much longer time to work out who I am. I’ve tried the trick of walking out of the room and coming back later but that s not worked so far. I think maybe I’m just going to do another big leap and let his misidentification go. Trouble is it started relatively recently and I’m still adjusting to the fact that he’s got dementia so it’s another big leap to accept he won’t now know me any more. I end up feeling sorry for myself and then feeling guilty.
It's an odd feeling isn't it when they ask you questions as if you're a stranger.
I can remember sitting in bed with my OH and he asked me where I had worked. When I told him he said the other lady worked there too and did I know her!
It felt like too strangers sitting on a park bench!
It made me think who I was on bed with!
I've got used to it now but it was difficult to start with.
I along with others can sympathise with you, my wife of 31 years has had dementia for just over two years now, she recognises me as someone she knows. She questions where her husband has gone, but is not too worried about the fact. She has taken to calling me Daddy, I accept this and don't make a fuss and she seems happy enough with the status quo as it is. It is hard to envisage but their reality because of their dementia is different. Be Strong 
i have the same thing with my wife , most afternoons, she will tell me about when tony(me) was in the air force. i even tried saying i was at the same place at the same time and did all the same things, and all i got was you must have known him ( i'm thinking off course i did it's me, but don't say it). it's much easier to go along with it. you do get used to it and sometimes it's quite funny.
so funny and weired but happens all the time . i must try the different rooms thing.
i was cooking dinner the other night and my piglet (wife) came in an said you will make enough for three as my husband is out having a walk. i just went along with it until she started to put some food aside for him, then i had to try and explain there was just us chickens. the look of confusion on her face was heartbreaking.
My husband no longer knows who I am.
To be honest I'm 'happy' if he thinks I'm someone kind, sometimes annoying, who looks after him.
A few years ago when he still had some speech, we would look at photos - a recent photo of himself, he would say "it's dad." A photo of our older son then aged around 32 he would say "that's me" and laugh! (Forever young in his own mind, I suppose.) He never really recognised me in photos even our wedding photos, but I hardly recognise myself!
If lack of recognition is upsetting the person with dementia, it must be very difficult to deal with but otherwise I just want to keep the peace.
To be honest I'm 'happy' if he thinks I'm someone kind, sometimes annoying, who looks after him.
A few years ago when he still had some speech, we would look at photos - a recent photo of himself, he would say "it's dad." A photo of our older son then aged around 32 he would say "that's me" and laugh! (Forever young in his own mind, I suppose.) He never really recognised me in photos even our wedding photos, but I hardly recognise myself!
If lack of recognition is upsetting the person with dementia, it must be very difficult to deal with but otherwise I just want to keep the peace.
Perhaps in this situation it is more important to support and reassure your wife than to convince her of something that she is not able to perceive. Compromising and playing the friend role if it will help her feel safe and comfortable may be the best option. At the same time, it is important to discuss this situation with your doctor to get support and advice on caring for the patient and managing the symptoms of dementia.
This is a daily thing for me.
My wife often thinks I'm someone else, usually someone who is arguing with her (I'm not) or shouting at her (also not).
I've use the leave the room idea, put a coat on and 'arrive' back again. That seems to sort it. I'm then bombarded with questions such as: who was that nasty man etc etc.
Sometimes she storms off to a neighbours house who is aware of the situation, and comes back after a cup of tea looking for the bad guy.
In my wife's case this usually starts late morning.
My wife often thinks I'm someone else, usually someone who is arguing with her (I'm not) or shouting at her (also not).
I've use the leave the room idea, put a coat on and 'arrive' back again. That seems to sort it. I'm then bombarded with questions such as: who was that nasty man etc etc.
Sometimes she storms off to a neighbours house who is aware of the situation, and comes back after a cup of tea looking for the bad guy.
In my wife's case this usually starts late morning.
You should definitely discuss this with your wife and try to understand why she experiences such misconceptions. I think this is due to some kind of emotional or psychological problems that she is experiencing. Have you seen a psychologist? It is important to maintain open and honest communication between you so that you can support each other and work together to solve any problems you encounter.
