Mum threatening dad

[SND]

First time I’ve posted on here
My mum has dementia - always been a tricky quite controlling lady but seems to be worsening.
She is resistant to carers. Though does have someone come on and take her out for a few hours once a week.
My dad is young at heart and has a few hobbies which help him cope.
She can seem on some days completely lucid but then on other days not. She is prone to meltdowns and recently has been telling friends that she is going to pack my dads bags and kick him out.
He takes it all very graciously but she also accuses him of being a bully etc etc. he really isn’t.
I’m just wondering I suppose as she can care for herself on the most part- how long people go on caring for someone when the dementia party is quite abusive verbally?
She ‘behaves’ when other people are around and is sweet as pie to people.
Dad takes her along to all the clubs and engages with the support teams well and is doing a really good job but recently he is treading on egg shells trying to avoid meltdowns where she can go on for days sulking or verbally abusing him.
Do other people have similar situations? How long before someone goes into care because their spouse can’t cope with being tormented.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Would your dad be willing to have a chat to a dementia nurse or the advice helpline here?

As you have picked up yourself he is going through a lot.

I think the ‘ I can’t go on’ point is different for different people but it would be good to prepare ahead?

It’s also hard for you watching both parents suffer. X

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @SND.

I’m sorry to hear abut your mum and dad’s situation. It must be very worrying for you. As @SherwoodSue had suggested I think a call to a helpline might be a good way forward. If your dad isn’t keen to phone then perhaps you could phone on his behalf.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[SkyeD]

My dad also suffered the awful accusations, and verbal abuse, and general crankiness from my mum (PWD) which he put up with graciously. He did actually break down in tears to me on several occasions and at the time I kept telling him that it was the dementia talking, not really the lovely lady who he married and spent over 65 years with. Fortunately he developed selective hearing, plus on a lot of occasions popped out with excuses such as shopping needed and so on. He was only ever out for an hour, but it was enough for him to take stock and refocus.

Sadly he became quite poorly (heart failure) and couldn't get around much so the "popping out" excuses stopped. I think the last 2-3 months of his life were the worst from the crankiness perspective. Sadly he died 18 months ago. I took over the carer role, going daily from 13 miles away - I soon discovered how bad my mum was and how much my dad did for her and covered up for her. 7 weeks later, mum had a fall, ended up in hospital (UTI and delirium), caught Covid in there, and was discharged 4 weeks later to a care home, following a best interests meeting (she was too vulnerable on her own at home). She had an evolving stroke in May 23, and died of a massive brain bleed in June 23.

It's very difficult dealing with dementia - I think support from others helps, and I second with what other posters have said about contacting the helpline.

Hugs,
S x

 

[Collywobbles]

Is your Mum taking any medication yet? It might be worth contacting her GP surgery, explaining your concerns, and get them to ask her in for a medication review - preferably without mentioning dementia to ensure that she attends. Either current meds can be tweaked, or something new prescribed to help level her moods.

My Dad appeared with a black eye a couple of times, and no, we didn’t believe his explanation that he’d walked into a door on two separate occasions. An email to Mum’s GP resulted in an invitation to a “routine medication review” after which her moods became much less extreme.