Mum passed away today

[Banjomansmate]

Just let a funeral director take over everything, they know exactly what they are doing and will guide you through.
My one piece of advice is to get more than one copy of the Death Certificate, it was amazing how many we needed when my husband died.

 

[Sunshine11!]

T1000 I'm sending you so much love! My Mum died suddenly in her Care Home just before Christmas. They were so supportive. TBH, I don't know how long we could have left it, but I cleared Mum's room two days after. I just felt that as I was the one doing it, I wanted to do it when I did. I quite understand that other people may have needed longer. The staff offered someone to help - I chose to do it myself. Anything that I didn't want, they took for me.
You are not alone in how you're feeling either. Frazzled mind, sore eyes and head - I felt that as well. I'm sending you lots of virtual empathy and support.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi everyone,
As per the title, we lost mum this morning, very sudden and unexpected so very much in shock still. We know it was a 'medical event' but for now that is all until the coroner confirms.
I know I will be in a daze but to get through this it would help me if you can give any tips for how to proceed, some logical steps I can take, things to do and keep me busy as I have not handled a funeral before.

For example, with the care home, do they allow a week or so to collect items or should we arrange this the next few days? I know they have locked her room, and the police gave me her rings but everything else is there.

For her funeral, do we arrange anything now or can we not do so until coroner finalises everything? I can call one tomorrow but just wondered if you have any knowledge on this

With her bills there is a mobile phone and care home only, assume care home may refund some of a recent bill I paid in advance but I am not sure and wondered if that happens or not (ie so I would avoid asking when the time comes).

A family member will need financial help to travel and attend the funeral etc, as I had the POA and I have her app, can I transfer funds or should I not do anything on her account as POA ceases on death? I guess the same question applies for any funeral deposit/payment?

She had a will but basically anything remaining to be left to us 3, she only has one bank / savings account and premium bonds anyway.

Cremation is what she wanted, is it possible to have an area where she can be placed with like a rose bush or something like that, somewhere we can visit?

Anything you can suggest would help as I feel so helpless and just having a list might get me through some of this.

Thanks so much in advance.

Dear @T1000,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Dad was suddenly taken ill at the care home one day and he passed away at hospital the next day. We went to bereavement suite at the hospital who were very helpful and we were given a bereavement booklet. This was very useful with what to do in the event of a person's death and it will also give you a list of organisations that can help.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

MaNaAk

 

[sdmhred]

So sorry to hear about your mum 😢

There is no need to rush - take a few days to allow the shock to sink in ….then you can begin to make the necessary arrangements…..

 

[T1000]

Just let a funeral director take over everything, they know exactly what they are doing and will guide you through.
My one piece of advice is to get more than one copy of the Death Certificate, it was amazing how many we needed when my husband died.

Good idea thank you, so many things to consider

 

[T1000]

T1000 I'm sending you so much love! My Mum died suddenly in her Care Home just before Christmas. They were so supportive. TBH, I don't know how long we could have left it, but I cleared Mum's room two days after. I just felt that as I was the one doing it, I wanted to do it when I did. I quite understand that other people may have needed longer. The staff offered someone to help - I chose to do it myself. Anything that I didn't want, they took for me.
You are not alone in how you're feeling either. Frazzled mind, sore eyes and head - I felt that as well. I'm sending you lots of virtual empathy and support.

Thank you, yes I guess I feel as though it might bring me a little closer just sorting her things but I might collaose in a heap, but it's all I have and would keep me occupied. Will discuss with my siblings tomorrow once I hear from the care home. So sorry you lost your mum, and at such a difficult time too, I am glad you had the guidance and support of the care home.

 

[T1000]

Dear @T1000,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Dad was suddenly taken ill at the care home one day and he passed away at hospital the next day. We went to bereavement suite at the hospital who were very helpful and we were given a bereavement booklet. This was very useful with what to do in the event of a person's death and it will also give you a list of organisations that can help.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

MaNaAk

Thank you we got something similar from the policeman earlier, I am so sorry you lost your dad suddenly like that. A list is super helpful all in one place

 

[T1000]

So sorry to hear about your mum 😢

There is no need to rush - take a few days to allow the shock to sink in ….then you can begin to make the necessary arrangements…..

Thank you, no fear of rushing as I can barely think, I guess I just felt this will help me get through somehow, and allow me to pay respect to mum by handling things as I did for her before

 

[RM3]

I am so sorry you have gone through this, it is so painful. We are just in limbo not really understanding what happened aside from it being a 'medical event' and her having fallen.
I think I may contact the crematorium directly, instead of a separate funeral home, but maybe also I can get one of my siblings to do it as my mind is overwhelmed with what to do.

Thank you 🙏🏻. I think all are possibly the same, we only spoke to the funeral director, they dealt with the crematorium and the florist. They asked about music and we said we wanted a photo tribute with music, music going in and music at the end. They arranged a company to send us a link and we chose 33 photos to upload and the name and artist for the music. They do the rest and this was added to the funeral directors bill (I think this was about £130 (ish) I have never arranged a funeral before but I couldn’t believe how much the funeral directors take care of. You can choose the package to meet your budget for the funeral from start to finish with them. X

 

[RM3]

Thank you 🙏🏻. I think all are possibly the same, we only spoke to the funeral director, they dealt with the crematorium and the florist. They asked about music and we said we wanted a photo tribute with music, music going in and music at the end. They arranged a company to send us a link and we chose 33 photos to upload and the name and artist for the music. They do the rest and this was added to the funeral directors bill (I think this was about £130 (ish) I have never arranged a funeral before but I couldn’t believe how much the funeral directors take care of. You can choose the package to meet your budget for the funeral from start to finish with them. X

I found the combination of grief and shock together, were just so so hard. All I can say is really letting myself grieve and not hide or suppress any feelings, has helped me. In my experience (I know we’re all different), it got easier to live with and accept, once the shock subsides (that didn’t happen overnight but it did happen). X

 

[RM3]

Oh I see what you mean that makes sense, no we just have travel fees to think about and funeral, so the rest can wait. I had forgotten about blue badge , Attendance Allowance, and even passport but I can wait for coroner. Very painful waiting though as we just want to know what it was that caused her to fall like that.

The wait is so hard and I know that every potential cause went through our minds (and worst of all, had we missed any signs). Once we knew, it didn’t change anything but it gave closure to that and somewhat calmed the torment in our minds. Many people here are keeping you in their thoughts x

 

[T1000]

Thank you 🙏🏻. I think all are possibly the same, we only spoke to the funeral director, they dealt with the crematorium and the florist. They asked about music and we said we wanted a photo tribute with music, music going in and music at the end. They arranged a company to send us a link and we chose 33 photos to upload and the name and artist for the music. They do the rest and this was added to the funeral directors bill (I think this was about £130 (ish) I have never arranged a funeral before but I couldn’t believe how much the funeral directors take care of. You can choose the package to meet your budget for the funeral from start to finish with them. X

Thank you that is a really good idea about photos, I will maybe email the lady I had been getting information from as ironically we were due to talk at the end of the month to set something like a plan up

 

[T1000]

The wait is so hard and I know that every potential cause went through our minds (and worst of all, had we missed any signs). Once we knew, it didn’t change anything but it gave closure to that and somewhat calmed the torment in our minds. Many people here are keeping you in their thoughts x

Thank you yes very much shock yesterday and a combination of grief but today has been overwhelming already and I barely slept. Will see family today and this will help more hopefully.

 

[T1000]

Does anyone have any advice for funeral arrangements please, key things to expect

 

[Grannie G]

Arranging a funeral

How funerals are arranged, what services you can expect to get from a funeral director and how to get help with paying.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

I hope this will help @T1000

 

[scotlass]

so sorry for the loss of your mum, although she is at peace now, it's a heartache for you and your family, take care xx

 

[SkyeD]

Sorry to hear your sad news @T1000
Take each day as it comes and take care of yourself at this sad time.
S x

 

[RM3]

Does anyone have any advice for funeral arrangements please, key things to expect

Hello @T1000. We were really led through step by step by the funeral directors (once mum was resting with them after the coroner). We went through choosing a casket, an urn (if appropriate), how many cars (if any) and where you would like to leave from, which crematorium, who to take the service (and if any family or friends wished to speak), chose the flowers and plot arrangements for ashes and music. Also, any specific instructions for visiting the chapel of rest and whether we wanted to bring clothes for them to be dressed in (if not, they provide a gown). Also, the music and photo tribute. We chose to arrange the wake ourselves. We wrote a eulogy about my mum and then wrote a short tribute each (dad, my brother and myself), to be read out as we didn’t want to do this. Hope this helps.

 

[T1000]

Thank you everyone.
I am finding it really hard to do this admin, but important and to honour mum. She knew I would organise everything.
My brothers are struggling so I have not put any pressure on them. One is acting out and the other one is foc using on work, everyone has their ways of coping.

Most of the funeral is now in hand and mum is with the funeral home now, which is both easier for me and harder to have her close by. We decided on not having her in the chapel of rest, as want to remember her how she was and given she would not be ready to be viewed until Thurs or so.

I am aching so much, pure pain in my heart and howls of grief that I am so glad no one from my family can witness or hear, have asked my husband to work for this reason. I am so worried about my son, have been doing colouring in a grief ball with him, and we are talking about mum, he sees me in tears and lots of hugs is helping but also I am worried how this will be for him.

I am struggling with things people are saying out of trying to help, but 'hope you feel a little better today' and 'I will remember your mum fondly, life goes on' are 2 heartbreaking ones. Every card in the post is another reminder, I want them to all go back so my mum can be back with me

 

[T1000]

so sorry for the loss of your mum, although she is at peace now, it's a heartache for you and your family, take care xx

thank you, we decided not to have her in the chapel of rest as felt it would be too invasive given she is at pease. It is very hard, as she is only a few streets away now, she is near yet gone forever and I cannot reconcile it