Mum new to a care home

[astar]

Hi
About 3 weeks ago my mum who has vascular dementia had a fire in her retirement flat which she caused. My sister and I have been aware for some time that she will need to go into residential care and this seemed to be the trigger for that decision as she is no longer safe to live on her own and her flat is currently uninhabitable. We had already visited a number of homes and settled on one near me which seemed lovely and had come recommended by friends who have family members there. She has only been there 10 days but she tells me constantly that she can’t stand it, the staff don’t like her and aren’t nice to her or the other inmates as she calls them. She has a real problem with the locked doors and hates the loss of independence. She knows she had a fire and we have told her she is there whilst the flat is being repaired but she is becoming increasingly frustrated with being unable to return to her flat and asks how the work is progressing at every visit. I can only see this getting worse not better and at the last visit she asked me if she could stay with me whilst the work is being carried out. I have every confidence in the care home and I am sure the staff are being lovely - I think she would be like this anywhere as it’s the loss of independence that is the issue. I would be grateful for any advice people have on handling this. I can divert her attention for a short period but she always returns to how can I get her out of there and it’s making me not want to visit as it’s so upsetting
Thanks in advance

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @astar and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your mum's vascular dementia and the recent fire in her retirement flat. First of all, i really believe that she would not be safe going back to the flat, if she caused a fire once she could do so again.
Your mum has only been in the home for 10 days, that is a very short time for her to settle down, it can take a couple of months or more. You are doing well in trying to divert your mum, and that is all that you can do. Have you asked the staff how your mum is when you are not there, you may find that she is more settled than you think. If you find the visiting really upsetting either cut back the time you spend at the home or reduce the number of visits, you know that she is safe.

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @astar. Have you asked the care home how your mum is when you and your sister are not visiting. It could well be that she is happy and settled most of the time, but seeing you sets her off.
Although it sounds counterintuitive it might be worth cutting back on the visit for a bit. Also there is nothing to stop you taking her out when you visit. My mum also felt very restricted in her first care home, but she wouldn't have been allowed out on her own as she hadn't a clue where she was. I started by taking her to different parts of the home, there was a coffee lounge and a garden which mum thought were not part of the home. I then took her to the local cafe a few times.
I think you'll just have to keep thinking of different reasons why she can't go back to her flat until she settles. I guess the company the owns the flats won't want her back anyway even if you are considering her returning.

 

[nic001]

Hi
About 3 weeks ago my mum who has vascular dementia had a fire in her retirement flat which she caused. My sister and I have been aware for some time that she will need to go into residential care and this seemed to be the trigger for that decision as she is no longer safe to live on her own and her flat is currently uninhabitable. We had already visited a number of homes and settled on one near me which seemed lovely and had come recommended by friends who have family members there. She has only been there 10 days but she tells me constantly that she can’t stand it, the staff don’t like her and aren’t nice to her or the other inmates as she calls them. She has a real problem with the locked doors and hates the loss of independence. She knows she had a fire and we have told her she is there whilst the flat is being repaired but she is becoming increasingly frustrated with being unable to return to her flat and asks how the work is progressing at every visit. I can only see this getting worse not better and at the last visit she asked me if she could stay with me whilst the work is being carried out. I have every confidence in the care home and I am sure the staff are being lovely - I think she would be like this anywhere as it’s the loss of independence that is the issue. I would be grateful for any advice people have on handling this. I can divert her attention for a short period but she always returns to how can I get her out of there and it’s making me not want to visit as it’s so upsetting
Thanks in advance

I think as others have said ‘time’ is a really factor here. It’s only been a very short amount of time since your mum moved into the home. Everything about her probably wants to go home so she’s sort of rejecting everything f around her eg, what she’s saying about the staff etc. Give it a little time and talk with the home about how you’re feeling. Taking a step back and not visiting as often will help your mum to reach out to those around her, in time.