Mom in respite/ family stress continued

[Dinny]

Further to my post on Friday regarding my mother in respite (family Stress) I met with a SW on Monday at the home she is in
She is scheduled to go home on 22/4/24 after 4 weeks in respite
He asked her where home was and was she looking forward to returning - she got her address wrong but answered where she lived 40 years ago and that she wanted to get back to the Manor a day care centre she was visiting 2 times a week, he asked where are you now she said another day care centre, she been there 3 weeks but thought she had been there 20 plus months
The SW wants her to trail home for a few days to see how she copes and maybe the council can pay for an extra day at the day care centre to try to take some strain off me too

My worries are after 4 weeks in respite - even with carers again 4 times a day (she didn’t know she’s had any carers for the last 6 months trying to help her)
She won’t know where she is back home
She won’t know how to use the remote
She will refuse to wash again
She will be confused
Reheat meals again over a few days and suffer food poisoning
The carers leave either the doors or meds cupboards open again and risk moms safety
She will be lonely and resulting as being in continuous pain again

The home has got her clean, well cared for, feed and safety has been paramount
She may say she’s bored but I’m sure she will be worse at home just watching tv all day and no stimulation
I’ve told the SW all this but still wants her home - I did tell him about my sisters bullying and has spoke to one whom tried to called him and he called back reminding her I have the donor POA and as I’ve been caring for her with no help it is really my decision and i dont need to make decision with others or involve them

Fortunately the home has agreed to keep moms home free for a week too so if mom asks to go back she can 👍
Mom is rebooked in again on 10/5 for 2 weeks as my partner has booked a 7 night stay in Venice for our anniversary

Due to the stress from my sisters of me putting her in respite I’ve been extremely stressed emotional and tearful - it did dawn on me this am that I have had at least 11 assessments of mom whether from social workers, doctors, memory clinic, carers and the home (all within 6 months) after catching mom 6 months ago drinking nail varnish remover then the end of Jan 24 drinking dettol surface cleaner- I have realised each time moms assessment and memory is worse so think I have started grieving her loss

Any advice or guidance would be appreciated
Many thanks
Dinny

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Dinny what an awful situation for you to be in. It really does sound as if your mum would be much safer in permanent residential care but all too often social workers seem to take the word of the person with dementia rather than the family members.
I think that you are going to have to make it quite clear to the SW that you do not agree with their decisions and that if they persist in sending your mum home that you will hold them personally responsible for any harm that comes to your mum. Also let them know that you will no longer be providing any care for your mum (even if you still intend to help her).

 

[JHA]

I do think your mom is in the best place. SS will do everything in their power to allow her to go home especially if they are picking up the residential care bill (sorry not sure if she is self funding). You need to throw the responsiblity back to them. Stress that she is a vulnerable adult and they are putting her at risk of harm by facilitating the return home, keep telling them this and if you can put it in writing. Try to get the care home on your side and anyone else who might carry some weight for example her GP. Does she live with you or alone?

As for the family stress you seem to be the only one trying to keep her safe so they also need to be made aware that to go home they are putting her at risk.

I was lucky (if you can call it that) as I am an only child and all the decisions were down to me and still are. My mom has been in a care home for 28 months (that shocked me a little as I had to count the months) she is not happy and neither am I but she is safe - I could no longer keep her safe at home and being picked up on the street corner by the police at 2am in the morning was the last straw.

 

[Dinny]

I do think your mom is in the best place. SS will do everything in their power to allow her to go home especially if they are picking up the residential care bill (sorry not sure if she is self funding). You need to throw the responsiblity back to them. Stress that she is a vulnerable adult and they are putting her at risk of harm by facilitating the return home, keep telling them this and if you can put it in writing. Try to get the care home on your side and anyone else who might carry some weight for example her GP. Does she live with you or alone?

As for the family stress you seem to be the only one trying to keep her safe so they also need to be made aware that to go home they are putting her at risk.

I was lucky (if you can call it that) as I am an only child and all the decisions were down to me and still are. My mom has been in a care home for 28 months (that shocked me a little as I had to count the months) she is not happy and neither am I but she is safe - I could no longer keep her safe at home and being picked up on the street corner by the police at 2am in the morning was the last straw.

Thank you for your response and care and support , it feels my family and everyone in the system are against my decisions but I know I’m right even though in respite I’m running around with meds and and water samples as uti infections so not really been a break either but at least in the care home I’ve had quality visits and know she’s safe and the best I’ve seen her in along time I really just want her to say she wants to stay but my sisters now keep calling her and saying your out tomorrow so now she keeps packing her bags - that are not helping me or mom and certainly won’t as and when she may or not return 🥲😢

 

[Dinny]

I do think your mom is in the best place. SS will do everything in their power to allow her to go home especially if they are picking up the residential care bill (sorry not sure if she is self funding). You need to throw the responsiblity back to them. Stress that she is a vulnerable adult and they are putting her at risk of harm by facilitating the return home, keep telling them this and if you can put it in writing. Try to get the care home on your side and anyone else who might carry some weight for example her GP. Does she live with you or alone?

As for the family stress you seem to be the only one trying to keep her safe so they also need to be made aware that to go home they are putting her at risk.

I was lucky (if you can call it that) as I am an only child and all the decisions were down to me and still are. My mom has been in a care home for 28 months (that shocked me a little as I had to count the months) she is not happy and neither am I but she is safe - I could no longer keep her safe at home and being picked up on the street corner by the police at 2am in the morning was the last straw.

Great suggestions I’ve spoke to her gp today as got another UTi I will call them again tomorrow

 

[Unknowndaughter01]

Thank you for your response and care and support , it feels my family and everyone in the system are against my decisions but I know I’m right even though in respite I’m running around with meds and and water samples as uti infections so not really been a break either but at least in the care home I’ve had quality visits and know she’s safe and the best I’ve seen her in along time I really just want her to say she wants to stay but my sisters now keep calling her and saying your out tomorrow so now she keeps packing her bags - that are not helping me or mom and certainly won’t as and when she may or not return 🥲😢

You can refuse the sw and tell them she is a danger to herself, unsafe and prone to self neglect due to her condition and ask the sw are they prepared to accept liability for any accidents or emergencies that occur from there decision of her going home?

If they say yes ask for it in writing before she goes home