Memory Concerns, Aggressive Behaviour

[@ClareW44]

My Father who is 77 (78 In June) got diagnosed with Borderline Dementia in Sept 2023.
He is gradually getting worse to the point I am both Physically & Mentally Ill.
I live with my parents.
My Father has been leaving taps on (nearly flooding bathroom), turning shower off (pulling wrong cord), overfilling Kettle.
I can tell him 1 thing & within hours he has no recollection. He's been swearing at both Myself & My mum aggressively. He's accused me of stealing numerous times. He accused me of stealing his Old Driving Licence. My Sister In Law clarified that when he applied for his renewal licence he had to send old one back. Latest item he accused me of stealing was his Electric Drill. I have been ill with Thrush (still suffering) so haven't been out of house for the past week. He found Drill a few hours later. He's also had minor falls in garden too (He's awaiting a Cataract operation). He's attempted to physically assault me but, I ran out of house & went into City Centre for a few hours to calm down.
I know that situation is to get alot worse before it gets better. I'm now anxious to be left alone in house with him whilst my mum is out incase my dad has a 'meltdown'.
I'm hoping for some advice on how to try & diffuse situations before they escalate.
Thank You For Reading xxx

 

[Kevinl]

Zero tolerance to violence is what I'd tell anyone, if I ever thought any of our children were to be posting as you have I tell them to have me locked up.
I post on here as a now former carer and things got so bad with my wife we packed our youngest at aged 16 to live with his big sister.
Our oldest has now been little brother's mum for more than half his life now.
Don't wait for a metaphorical car crash, get some help. Local AZ Society may be a good place to start. Take care. K

 

[Sirena]

This must be so difficult for you. Physical violence is completely unacceptable, you should not feel unsafe in your home. I would suggest contacting your father's GP and/or memory clinic so he can be reassessed. They may be able to offer some medication to reduce his agitation.

It is very common for PWDs (people with dementia) to believe their close relatives are stealing/hiding things, because they cannot remember what has happened and 'someone must be to blame'. In terms of defusing situations to avoid arguments (or worse), the usual suggestion is not to contradict the PWD. There is no point trying to 'put him right' because he won't accept your answers, he will probably just get more upset. For example with the drill, don't deny taking it (swerve round that) and offer to help him look for it. Or distract him with something else. If you try different approaches you may find out what works best in his case.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @@ClareW44 and welcome, this is a friendly group and you will receive support and understanding here. Sorry to hear about your dad and his aggression towards you, it's obviously not a good situation for you or your mum to be in. In addition to the advice that has already been provided, it's a good idea to keep a charged up mobile phone on you if you have one, and also think about walking away if you can when your dad becomes physically or verbally aggressive towards you - do you have a room in the house with a lock on you could go to, or perhaps go outside into the garden if you are able, to ensure that there is a safe distance between you. Also think about talking to your own GP about the effect that this is having on your physical and mental health too. The Dementia Support Line are good to talk to and they will know how best to help in terms of a way forward for you and your mum, and the Admiral nurses also offer help to families too. Details here:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

How we can support you

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[@ClareW44]

This must be so difficult for you. Physical violence is completely unacceptable, you should not feel unsafe in your home. I would suggest contacting your father's GP and/or memory clinic so he can be reassessed. They may be able to offer some medication to reduce his agitation.

It is very common for PWDs (people with dementia) to believe their close relatives are stealing/hiding things, because they cannot remember what has happened and 'someone must be to blame'. In terms of defusing situations to avoid arguments (or worse), the usual suggestion is not to contradict the PWD. There is no point trying to 'put him right' because he won't accept your answers, he will probably just get more upset. For example with the drill, don't deny taking it (swerve round that) and offer to help him look for it. Or distract him with something else. If you try different approaches you may find out what works best in his case.

Hi
Thank You for your advice. My Father has been prescribed Blood Pressure medication. We are waiting for another assessment at Memory Clinic.
I have spoken to My GP yesterday as I have been diagnosed with a UTI. I've also told her about My Father & she has increased dosage of my Anxiety Meds.

I will also try & remember coping methods what you have suggested too.

 

[@ClareW44]

Zero tolerance to violence is what I'd tell anyone, if I ever thought any of our children were to be posting as you have I tell them to have me locked up.
I post on here as a now former carer and things got so bad with my wife we packed our youngest at aged 16 to live with his big sister.
Our oldest has now been little brother's mum for more than half his life now.
Don't wait for a metaphorical car crash, get some help. Local AZ Society may be a good place to start. Take care. K

Thanks for your advice & I will make contact with our local AZ Society.

 

[maisiecat]

Hi
Thank You for your advice. My Father has been prescribed Blood Pressure medication. We are waiting for another assessment at Memory Clinic.
I have spoken to My GP yesterday as I have been diagnosed with a UTI. I've also told her about My Father & she has increased dosage of my Anxiety Meds.

I will also try & remember coping methods what you have suggested too.

Hi @ClareW44, this post just raised my blood pressure. I can't believe a GP thinks the way to go is to raise your anxiety meds. Your anxiety is directly related to your Dad's behaviour.
I have trodden this path with my husband,it is intensely frightening,their rage comes so rapidly and they have no control over it.
Your Dad needs to be reviewed by a Mental health team and almost certainly needs medicating.
Please try and get some help