The only thing OH does nowadays is put the recycling and rubbish in the bins. I do absolutely everything else, shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, household repairs (those within my scope), dishing out pills and inhalers 4 times a day, gardening, managing bank accounts, paying pills, and making appointments and taking OH to and from said appointments. Do I have any help? No, because OH will not accept "strangers" in the house. Will he go to day care or respite? No, he flatly refuses to consider the notions. Is there any other family member to help? No, there isn`t (one of OH`s daughters tried for 3 days, but is not prepared to do it again). It is just Joe Muggins who spends every waking hour caring and tending to OH`s every need. I have less and less time for myself, but this morning OH told me that I am selfish. OK, rant over. Thank you for reading.
Honestly I could scream, at the very least......
- Thread starter Anthoula
- Start date
I think you are going to have to insist @Athoula, or you'll end up having a break-down or becoming ill and your husband will have to accept help then. Is there anyway you can organise some respite for him. I know when @canary did that she told her husband it was an opportunity for him to get away from his nagging wife.
Oh dear I feel your pain! My husband is pretty much the same. He can’t even do the recycling without messing it up and leaving the food waste unlocked so the foxes can spread it all over the lawn (leaving it for me to clear it up of course)
He used to be a keen DIYer but now likes to go round the house tinkering with the plumbing (at least one emergency plumber required) and making traps for imaginary burglars.
Luckily he has accepted a carer coming two mornings a week to be his ‘personal assistant’ and take him out and about for dog walks, and museum and pub visits. I managed to get him to agree to this in a deal where I agreed to go on holiday with him again this year (I had said never again) and so far the deal has held. He sometimes moans about her coming but he always comes back in high spirits.
He still annoys me so much - so much! And he did call me selfish recently for wanting to sleep in my own room. I lost my temper and called him a miserable ungrateful bad tempered ****. He was quite surprised but not particularly upset. It made me feel a lot better but I do try not to lose my temper- I know it’s not his fault but we are not saints!
The carer input has been a lifesaver for me, it costs me around £150 a week - paid for with attendance allowance and cancelling the cleaner.
Sending love to all ❤️ stay strong!
He used to be a keen DIYer but now likes to go round the house tinkering with the plumbing (at least one emergency plumber required) and making traps for imaginary burglars.
Luckily he has accepted a carer coming two mornings a week to be his ‘personal assistant’ and take him out and about for dog walks, and museum and pub visits. I managed to get him to agree to this in a deal where I agreed to go on holiday with him again this year (I had said never again) and so far the deal has held. He sometimes moans about her coming but he always comes back in high spirits.
He still annoys me so much - so much! And he did call me selfish recently for wanting to sleep in my own room. I lost my temper and called him a miserable ungrateful bad tempered ****. He was quite surprised but not particularly upset. It made me feel a lot better but I do try not to lose my temper- I know it’s not his fault but we are not saints!
The carer input has been a lifesaver for me, it costs me around £150 a week - paid for with attendance allowance and cancelling the cleaner.
Sending love to all ❤️ stay strong!
Oh my word I recognise much of that. Step daughter sees him about 8 hours a year and criticises everything I do - I’d had enough at ‘I saw no evidence if a vegetable in this house’. When a friend arrived last week, And when the bus for day care refused to take him and that day care said they couldn’t have him, I asked if I’m the only person who isn’t allowed to say no. You could be me, it might nit help but I get some comfort knowing how I feel is more normal than society would have you believe. Good luck, use us to rant.
Rant away @Anthoula as we all need to at some time. Reading through your post I could tick off one after another as being, ‘me too’s’ although after weeks and weeks of meltdowns rows and walkouts she now has accepted an afternoon at daycare, now my 4 hour oasis so looked forward to 🤗
No need to apologise for a rant, it’s all that gets me through most days!
My dad is exactly the same as your OH - mum does everything for him and it almost got to crisis point - social services care needs assessment recommended 28 days respite, which I promptly booked and dad went in last week.
Didn’t tell him until we got there that he is staying a few days “for doctors to sort his meds”. Now the professionals can take over, and they are amazed that mum was able to manage him at home for as long as she has.
However you need to do it, just do it. There is no value in two people becoming ill from this disease, and that’s what will happen if you try to carry on; the resentment will eat you up. I know it’s not just resentment towards your OH and his behaviours, it’s also his family, friends who don’t do anything to help, the system - but there is support out there for you. Please please take it, shout for it, ask local carer support group, age uk, whoever you can to help you navigate how to do it. You need a break, you are entitled to a break and you will be no good to him if you wear yourself out and become seriously ill - then he would have to go into care, like it or not (and I can guarantee that he will always say no to everything that you suggest!!)
Look after yourself as much as you can and please access whatever support you have locally, there are wonderful people out there who can and will help. Good luck, we are all thinking of you and sending you strength xx
My dad is exactly the same as your OH - mum does everything for him and it almost got to crisis point - social services care needs assessment recommended 28 days respite, which I promptly booked and dad went in last week.
Didn’t tell him until we got there that he is staying a few days “for doctors to sort his meds”. Now the professionals can take over, and they are amazed that mum was able to manage him at home for as long as she has.
However you need to do it, just do it. There is no value in two people becoming ill from this disease, and that’s what will happen if you try to carry on; the resentment will eat you up. I know it’s not just resentment towards your OH and his behaviours, it’s also his family, friends who don’t do anything to help, the system - but there is support out there for you. Please please take it, shout for it, ask local carer support group, age uk, whoever you can to help you navigate how to do it. You need a break, you are entitled to a break and you will be no good to him if you wear yourself out and become seriously ill - then he would have to go into care, like it or not (and I can guarantee that he will always say no to everything that you suggest!!)
Look after yourself as much as you can and please access whatever support you have locally, there are wonderful people out there who can and will help. Good luck, we are all thinking of you and sending you strength xx
Don't apologise for the rant, so many of us share your feelings and frustrations. I reached a crisis point last year, after a desperate call to SS we were offered respite. Initially my OH refused but we visited the care home, and although he was reluctant he agreed to try it. Now he really enjoys it and goes quite happily. I would do anything in your power to get him into respite, like @Kristo when my dad needed to go into care we told him it was so that he could recuperate and would only be for a short time. As others have said, this is not just about your husband's health and life, but yours too. Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes, and don't feel guilty. I hope you get the help you need and deserve ❤️
I feel for you. Been there. It's easy to feel resentful. I once asked myself if my OH would have done it all for me? The answer is a definite no! You're not being selfish at all! Good luck and good health to you. Rant all you need to. Plenty of people on here totally understand.
Oh my goodness, I really feel your pain. I too do almost everything in our house. My OH recently appeared to enjoy saying that I am a slave!! I love this forum, completely anonymous, say it how it is, non judgemental and a member of a fantastic support group non of us signed up for. Keep ranting on here, it’s so good for our mental health x
HOW are we all supposed to manage? Thinking of you Anthoula…and we all know ‘it’s not their fault’ but to be honest this does not actually help us when we are getting abused emotionally or physically day after day as well as doing EVERYTHING. We are expected to be superheroes at the same time we are grieving the loss of our loved ine and living with a stranger. I am lucky that I have got 2 girls here at moment helping with the animals and both are very good with OH. we took him out yesterday for lunch and then a lovely windy walk in the mountains, when I asked him last night if he had a good day he said ‘ no not really, didn’t go anywhere, didn’t see anyone’!! Give me a buzz and we can have a chat soon I hopex
I agree - we know they didn't ask to get ill, but we didn't ask to have our lives destroyed by an angry, abusive stranger! I have been so shocked and appalled at how little practical support there is, I feel these phrases are trotted out simply to keep us in line so we don't expect anything.
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