Not sure what stage my OH is at but FTD is certainly taking over. Searching for words and ocd is escalating rapidly. Hiding things seems to be worse now. Toothbrush and toothpaste go missing daily, found them both under the pillow in the bed and also his glasses, a daily occurrence now. He’s convinced someone has moved them, even blames grandkids, but usually blames me of course! He’s always waiting for the postman, I have to be quick to intercept any mail or that goes missing as well. Time is non existent, has no idea what that is, half an hour might as well be a few hours, if we have an appointment he’s always ready hours before and gets anxious waiting to go even though I’ve explained it’s not time yet. Can’t retain information but asks at a later time about what was said earlier, so frustrating having to repeat everything over and over. Then he wants to ring his friend to tell him any news but it’s just a muddle and I have to intervene. Saying that though he can recall his working life well and loves reminiscing. Every day everything in his room gets moved around, hence can’t find anything , so difficult going for check ups at the neurologists, he comes across so well when asked how he is, the dr isn’t getting full picture and asks me in front of him how things are? It’s ridiculous as I can’t talk in front of him as he thinks he is ok and if I told the truth he would be angry with me and as all letters from the specialist come as a copy to us first I wouldn’t want to be quoted as he has some understanding, so very difficult situation, if anyone has any ideas on this it would be appreciated. I don’t want him to think I am going behind his back.
Hide and seek
- Thread starter Postmill
- Start date
I tend to email my Mum’s GP in advance of any appointment, and give them my observations on her current state. I also explain that asking someone else about her, in front if her, will cause unnecessary upset. Maybe writing or emailing is a good idea in your case? They may not be able to respond, but they can acknowledge receipt of your information so you know it’ll be in your OH’s notes. In our case, my Mum has been deemed no longer capable of making decisions in her own best interests, so her GP has waived her right to confidentiality and we can actually have discussions when the need arises.
As for appointments, we don’t tell Mum about them in advance. It’s just “Pop your coat on - we’re off!” then out the door. As with your husband, if she was told in advance then either she’d forget, or she’d get muddled and very anxious in advance.
Unfortunately, much of what you will do to support your husband will have to be done without his knowledge or cooperation. In her own mind, a lot of the time our Mum thinks she’s fine and it’s the rest of the world at fault. Unless we were gently underhand, she’d never attend medication reviews or annual dementia checks. We feel awful about it, but the GP agrees that it’s the best way to cope and it’s a common approach for family and carers. It doesn’t matter how bad we feel about doing things this way - if it keeps Mum safe, happy and as well as possible, then that’s how it’s done.
As for appointments, we don’t tell Mum about them in advance. It’s just “Pop your coat on - we’re off!” then out the door. As with your husband, if she was told in advance then either she’d forget, or she’d get muddled and very anxious in advance.
Unfortunately, much of what you will do to support your husband will have to be done without his knowledge or cooperation. In her own mind, a lot of the time our Mum thinks she’s fine and it’s the rest of the world at fault. Unless we were gently underhand, she’d never attend medication reviews or annual dementia checks. We feel awful about it, but the GP agrees that it’s the best way to cope and it’s a common approach for family and carers. It doesn’t matter how bad we feel about doing things this way - if it keeps Mum safe, happy and as well as possible, then that’s how it’s done.
Its important that the neurologist knows the truth.
Unfortunately, to do this you either have to be brave, tell the doctor in front of your OH and risk his wrath, or you have to go behind his back.
Im afraid that with dementia you usually have to employ some form of subterfuge, or going behind their back because they are unaware of their own problems and think there is very little wrong with them. If you will only do things that they consent to, then nothing will happen. I know it doesnt sit right with us, because we have always done things together and not kept secrets, but dementia changes things
I usually send in a letter before all appointments so that the doctor knows the truth and I also ask that they dont tell my OH what I have said. The copy of the letter sent to the GP is a problem and, like you, I try to get there first. Im considering an outside box for the post so that OH wont realise that the postman has been
Unfortunately, to do this you either have to be brave, tell the doctor in front of your OH and risk his wrath, or you have to go behind his back.
Im afraid that with dementia you usually have to employ some form of subterfuge, or going behind their back because they are unaware of their own problems and think there is very little wrong with them. If you will only do things that they consent to, then nothing will happen. I know it doesnt sit right with us, because we have always done things together and not kept secrets, but dementia changes things
I usually send in a letter before all appointments so that the doctor knows the truth and I also ask that they dont tell my OH what I have said. The copy of the letter sent to the GP is a problem and, like you, I try to get there first. Im considering an outside box for the post so that OH wont realise that the postman has been
