Help me Understand

[Somerset girl]

Can anyone help me understand why my husband is very nice to everyone except me? I can’t say anything right so I hardly speak. He gets very angry quickly.

Yesterday I ‘suggested’ (wouldn’t tell him to do anything) he didn’t phone my daughter’s house at 9.30 on a Sunday as they relax and stay in their PJs etc. His face was like venom and he said don’t tell me what to do. Of course he did phone! He’s just horrible to me. Next thing he wonders if we should go to the garden centre, I didn’t go. Then in the evening do I want to go out to eat. I honestly don’t want to do anything when I feel like a downtrodden wife.

We’ve had a very good marriage and he used to adore me. It’s all gone now and I think I’m done.

His memory is fine, it’s just behavioural issues. He talks about me to my daughter so I know I’m like his enemy. I promise I’ve learnt to walk away etc etc, but it’s so tough at the minute.

Sorry for the ramble but I’m rather fed up.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Somerset girl sorry that you're having a tough time at the moment. It does seem that those who are doing the caring are often the ones who are on the receiving end of criticism, nastiness and other difficult behaviour. My mum was the same at one stage, and I got the brunt of it all, and although we know that it's the dementia it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I hope today is a better day for you.

 

[canary]

Can anyone help me understand why my husband is very nice to everyone except me? I can’t say anything right so I hardly speak. He gets very angry quickly.

Many people with dementia develop a symptom (often quite early on) called anosognosia, which is where they are unable to understand that they have something wrong with them. In their own mind they have not changed at all and can still do all the things that they used to do - and you will not be able to convince them otherwise.

Even though they think they have not changed they are aware that Something is wrong - things are not working out the way they expect, things are getting muddled around them and people around them are acting strangely. Unfortunately they are unable to see that the Something that is wrong is actually them, so they think it is someone else. As you are the person who is there living with him, he concludes that the problem is you and hes not happy that you are doing all these horrible things to him.

When OH was like this my biggest mistake was to try and "hold on" to him. I could see that he was floundering and I wanted to get him back to the way he was, so I was trying to get him to do things, reminding him, explaining and helping. To him, though, he thought it was me messing it all up, that I was preventing him from doing things, nagging him, telling him what to do (and think), taking him over and treating him like a child. He also misunderstood what I was saying and and any hint that I disagreed with him was taking as criticism, so conversation was no longer possible.

It was much better once I accepted that he could no longer do things and either just quietly took over doing them myself, or accepted that they wouldnt get done. There is a lot of heartache involved, especially when they behave in ways that the old person would never have done. But thats dementia. If he becomes very aggressive do contact the GP as there is medication to help calm this down.

 

[Dunroamin]

@canary - great post. May I as a PWD mention something? I dream a lot at night, or whenever else I am asleep. It is becoming more and more blurred which is a dreamt occurrence vs. what is reality. Several times I have been aware that a conversation I am having is not in fact strictly true I am becoming increasingly muddled. I am sure that this is how anosognisia starts.

Changes in routine are also now very confusing for me. And a plea to those who seem to think we are being stubborn, awkward (choose your adjective) we are NOT. We are trying to process with a breaking brain and from my side of events, it is probably just as hard as being a carer.

I shall now go back to bed as even writing things like this take their toll these days.

 

[Collywobbles]

@canary - great post. May I as a PWD mention something? I dream a lot at night, or whenever else I am asleep. It is becoming more and more blurred which is a dreamt occurrence vs. what is reality. Several times I have been aware that a conversation I am having is not in fact strictly true I am becoming increasingly muddled. I am sure that this is how anosognisia starts.

Changes in routine are also now very confusing for me. And a plea to those who seem to think we are being stubborn, awkward (choose your adjective) we are NOT. We are trying to process with a breaking brain and from my side of events, it is probably just as hard as being a carer.

I shall now go back to bed as even writing things like this take their toll these days.

Thank you so much for that insight Dunroamin. It’s one thing to observe and try to understand, but totally different to know how it feels from inside the storm.

Very much appreciated.

 

[canary]

Hello @Dunroamin

Thank you for your insight and pointing out that people with dementia are not generally being difficult on purpose.
Change in routine is also very difficult for my OH now too, so I understand
xxx

 

[MissFloopster]

Can anyone help me understand why my husband is very nice to everyone except me? I can’t say anything right so I hardly speak. He gets very angry quickly.

Yesterday I ‘suggested’ (wouldn’t tell him to do anything) he didn’t phone my daughter’s house at 9.30 on a Sunday as they relax and stay in their PJs etc. His face was like venom and he said don’t tell me what to do. Of course he did phone! He’s just horrible to me. Next thing he wonders if we should go to the garden centre, I didn’t go. Then in the evening do I want to go out to eat. I honestly don’t want to do anything when I feel like a downtrodden wife.

We’ve had a very good marriage and he used to adore me. It’s all gone now and I think I’m done.

His memory is fine, it’s just behavioural issues. He talks about me to my daughter so I know I’m like his enemy. I promise I’ve learnt to walk away etc etc, but it’s so tough at the minute.

Sorry for the ramble but I’m rather fed up.

You're not alone in this, mine is the same. Like your husband, mine adored me during our 40 years together, I was his princess. The aggressiveness is the one thing I cannot handle. The name calling, the fist in my face (not physically - yet?). I reckon it's because I'm the one who is saying "no, sorry" all the time ... No sorry, I can't let you out by yourself, no sorry, you can't stay in this room by yourself (he wrecks stuff). To some extent I've learned to walk away, like you, but it's also the reason that I have started to look for a care home. It's killing me and that's not worth it to me. All the best to you!

 

[annieka 56]

@canary - great post. May I as a PWD mention something? I dream a lot at night, or whenever else I am asleep. It is becoming more and more blurred which is a dreamt occurrence vs. what is reality. Several times I have been aware that a conversation I am having is not in fact strictly true I am becoming increasingly muddled. I am sure that this is how anosognisia starts.

Changes in routine are also now very confusing for me. And a plea to those who seem to think we are being stubborn, awkward (choose your adjective) we are NOT. We are trying to process with a breaking brain and from my side of events, it is probably just as hard as being a carer.

I shall now go back to bed as even writing things like this take their toll these days.

Thank you for a very thought provoking post.
It's really hard to imagine what could be going on in a breaking brain and trying to put explanations on things that none of us understand.

 

[velademar]

Many people with dementia develop a symptom (often quite early on) called anosognosia, which is where they are unable to understand that they have something wrong with them. In their own mind they have not changed at all and can still do all the things that they used to do - and you will not be able to convince them otherwise.

Even though they think they have not changed they are aware that Something is wrong - things are not working out the way they expect, things are getting muddled around them and people around them are acting strangely. Unfortunately they are unable to see that the Something that is wrong is actually them, so they think it is someone else. As you are the person who is there living with him, he concludes that the problem is you and hes not happy that you are doing all these horrible things to him.

When OH was like this my biggest mistake was to try and "hold on" to him. I could see that he was floundering and I wanted to get him back to the way he was, so I was trying to get him to do things, reminding him, explaining and helping. To him, though, he thought it was me messing it all up, that I was preventing him from doing things, nagging him, telling him what to do (and think), taking him over and treating him like a child. He also misunderstood what I was saying and and any hint that I disagreed with him was taking as criticism, so conversation was no longer possible.

It was much better once I accepted that he could no longer do things and either just quietly took over doing them myself, or accepted that they wouldnt get done. There is a lot of heartache involved, especially when they behave in ways that the old person would never have done. But thats dementia. If he becomes very aggressive do contact the GP as there is medication to help calm this down.

Hi @canary I too have been trying to hold on to my OH (who has frontotemporal dementia), trying to help him, reminding him, explaining things over and over, and he has a catch phrase 'oh just stop nagging' which closes down any conversation (not that we have any of those!). He used to be so loving, but now only cares about eating, drinking and he sings all the time (the same song over and over), no chat or anything. His memory and cognition is so poor that he cant even tell me what he's eaten as soon as he's eaten it. It is so hard because I know that with him as he is we cant do all the things we used to do, or plan anything, or enjoy anything, and I think it';s that, and wanting to be 'free' myself that causes all the stress. I too have just become accepting of his limitations and 'taken over' most things, realising that it's much easier for me if he sits in the chair and watches Tv with a cup of coffee rather than wandering round the house looking for things and moving and messing about with everything. I did try to let him keep doing the veg for our dinner, but he gets so mixed up and i found him trying to put a bowl in the oven with cling film on, so that has stopped and I just do things when he's not in the room. Ive got him in a really good day care centre 3 days a week which he has just accepted so at least I get some time to myself now. Its not real freedom though. No violence yet, a few fist shakes from him, and at times I have to clench my fists behind my back, but have a strategy of walking away which works for the moment. It's very very hard.

 

[canary]

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) @velademar

Its hard, isnt it?

 

[LewyDementiaCarer]

@canary - great post. May I as a PWD mention something? I dream a lot at night, or whenever else I am asleep. It is becoming more and more blurred which is a dreamt occurrence vs. what is reality. Several times I have been aware that a conversation I am having is not in fact strictly true I am becoming increasingly muddled. I am sure that this is how anosognisia starts.

Changes in routine are also now very confusing for me. And a plea to those who seem to think we are being stubborn, awkward (choose your adjective) we are NOT. We are trying to process with a breaking brain and from my side of events, it is probably just as hard as being a carer.

I shall now go back to bed as even writing things like this take their toll these days.

I just want to thank you for sharing this. What you have said is great insight to be able to understand how a PWD is feeling in a particular given moment. I hope you feel in an environment where you feel safe and loved & cared for even when it is confusing, if that is at all possible for you. Please know, there are many of us trying to understand & help from the very depths of our heart. Truly.

 

[velademar]

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) @velademar

Its hard, isnt it?

😚 hugs back x