Hello

[SusanEEE]

Hi
I’m not sure if I should be asking advice here as my Mum has already died.
Anyway, my problem is that Mum had dementia and wasn’t diagnosed. I had hoped the she would be referred to the memory clinic but she developed cancer and died a couple of months later.
I have four younger brothers and sisters, my problem is that they don’t believe there was anything wrong with Mum. I was in daily contact with her, visiting or phoning, and sometimes she would appear to be fine and others times she was unbelievably horrible to me accusing me of all sorts of things. One of my brothers was extremely abusive to me because he believed what Mum was saying.
I’m so upset by this that I can’t sleep.
I wondered if anyone else has had to deal with this sort of situation, I really need some advice.
Thank you very much.

 

[Gosling]

Hello @SusanEEE and firstly welcome to the Dementia Support Forum.

I am sorry to read about your Mum's passing with cancer. I hope you are taking time to grieve and please don't let anyone tell you you should be over it etc etc. We are all very different.
As you say you believe your Mum had undiagnosed dementia, and this has caused upset with one of your brothers because he believed what your Mum was saying (horrible things about you and accusing you of all sorts). This is so very difficult as often with dementia, the person can say some very horrible and accusatory things to those nearest to them, causing extreme upset.
I think you can only keep saying, and repeating if necessary, to your brother that it was the undiagnosed dementia that was causing your Mum to say such things. I'm at a loss to suggest anything else I'm afraid, although others may be along shortly with other suggestions.
At the end of the day, your brother will either continue to believe what he heard from your Mum, or he will come to realise differently. There is no much more you can do I don't think.

 

[Kevinl]

Nothing to add to what Gosling has said other than you have done the right thing, look to the future and put the past behind you when you can, meantime we are here to listen. K

 

[SusanEEE]

Hello @SusanEEE and firstly welcome to the Dementia Support Forum.

I am sorry to read about your Mum's passing with cancer. I hope you are taking time to grieve and please don't let anyone tell you you should be over it etc etc. We are all very different.
As you say you believe your Mum had undiagnosed dementia, and this has caused upset with one of your brothers because he believed what your Mum was saying (horrible things about you and accusing you of all sorts). This is so very difficult as often with dementia, the person can say some very horrible and accusatory things to those nearest to them, causing extreme upset.
I think you can only keep saying, and repeating if necessary, to your brother that it was the undiagnosed dementia that was causing your Mum to say such things. I'm at a loss to suggest anything else I'm afraid, although others may be along shortly with other suggestions.
At the end of the day, your brother will either continue to believe what he heard from your Mum, or he will come to realise differently. There is no much more you can do I don't think.

Hi Gosling
Thank you so much, I haven’t grieved for Mum at all yet.
My brother and his partner took over organising the funeral so I felt very detached and I couldn’t get past how horrible Mum had been. Now they are sorting out her bungalow, I asked if I could have something of Mums but they didn’t reply.
Thanks again for your kind thoughts, I think I probably need some sort of counselling.
Best wishes

 

[maggie6445]

Hello @SusanEEE , were your siblings in regular contact with your mum? Were they aware before mum passed that you thought she had undiagnosed dementia ?
Would it help if you referred them to this site and asked them to look at some of the heartbreaking ways that previously gentle and loving people have become aggressive and and accusing towards their close family carers? It's difficult sometimes to understand how someone so loving can become so unpleasant with this disease but sadly,it happens and is not uncommon.
Maybe if they read some people's experiences they would have a more understanding approach with you.
Counselling maybe helpful for you. It helps many people.
Best wishes

 

[SusanEEE]

Hello @SusanEEE , were your siblings in regular contact with your mum? Were they aware before mum passed that you thought she had undiagnosed dementia ?
Would it help if you referred them to this site and asked them to look at some of the heartbreaking ways that previously gentle and loving people have become aggressive and and accusing towards their close family carers? It's difficult sometimes to understand how someone so loving can become so unpleasant with this disease but sadly,it happens and is not uncommon.
Maybe if they read some people's experiences they would have a more understanding approach with you.
Counselling maybe helpful for you. It helps many people.
Best wishes

Thank you very much for replying. My siblings had weekly contact on the telephone, except for the brother that is being so awful. He or his partner got Mums shopping, so they telephoned for a list and dropped it round the next day. I took Mum shopping but when Covid hit, I asked them if they‘d mind getting it as I couldn’t manage to get both mine and Mum‘s shopping.
I’m afraid the mention of dementia got a very frosty reaction as if it was a slur on Mum’s character not just very unfortunate. So I used the words confused and forgetful.
It‘s so hurtful that my brother would rather believe that I had done all the things Mum was accusing me of than accept that Mum had dementia.
Suggesting that he looks on this site is a really good idea but we are not speaking. His partner‘s Mum had dementia and she was horrible to her Dad, I can only speculate as to why she hasn’t intervened. My thoughts on her are not very charitable!
Thanks again, just posting on here has helped, I didn’t wake up at 4am 😊
Best wishes

 

[SusanEEE]

Thank you very much for replying. My siblings had weekly contact on the telephone, except for the brother that is being so awful. He or his partner got Mums shopping, so they telephoned for a list and dropped it round the next day. I took Mum shopping but when Covid hit, I asked them if they‘d mind getting it as I couldn’t manage to get both mine and Mum‘s shopping.
I’m afraid the mention of dementia got a very frosty reaction as if it was a slur on Mum’s character not just very unfortunate. So I used the words confused and forgetful.
It‘s so hurtful that my brother would rather believe that I had done all the things Mum was accusing me of than accept that Mum had dementia.
Suggesting that he looks on this site is a really good idea but we are not speaking. His partner‘s Mum had dementia and she was horrible to her Dad, I can only speculate as to why she hasn’t intervened. My thoughts on her are not very charitable!
Thanks again, just posting on here has helped, I didn’t wake up at 4am 😊
Best wishes

 

[SusanEEE]

Hello @SusanEEE , were your siblings in regular contact with your mum? Were they aware before mum passed that you thought she had undiagnosed dementia ?
Would it help if you referred them to this site and asked them to look at some of the heartbreaking ways that previously gentle and loving people have become aggressive and and accusing towards their close family carers? It's difficult sometimes to understand how someone so loving can become so unpleasant with this disease but sadly,it happens and is not uncommon.
Maybe if they read some people's experiences they would have a more understanding approach with you.
Counselling maybe helpful for you. It helps many people.
Best wishes

Nothing to add to what Gosling has said other than you have done the right thing, look to the future and put the past behind you when you can, meantime we are here to listen. K

Thank you so much Kevin