Grandad with late stage dementia

[Beth sowersby]

Hello, please could I have some advice? I feel like I am beginning to struggle to cope

I lost my dad to skin cancer, I then lost my partner to lymphoma, and just over a year ago I lost my childhood dog, and lost my nana to lung cancer. Last month I also lost my auntie to bone cancer. I live with my mum and we went straight from losing my nana and being her full time carer to caring for my grandad. My mum is an alcoholic, she uses this to cope. But I’m 27 with all of this trauma and grief and now I’m a parent to mum too. I just need some help.
When we lost my nana, naturally now my grandad has shot down hill.
He stays with us during the day and goes home to sleep.
His hands are starting to lock and his speech is getting really bad. He is choking a lot and won’t eat solid foods. He can’t turn his head anymore and can’t walk well, if at all.
He is still so aware he is losing his memory, and gets extremely emotional, but he had a bad fall last weekend, he fell backwards and smacked his head on concrete, cracked his head open didn’t even put his arms down so his head too the full fall. He’s on the road to recovery, the hospital is very happy with him and all his tests came back great.
He is on the mend but his confidence has been knocked and he seems to have taken a huge leap downhill, he was slowly getting worse and now even more confused, he forgets where he lives, he forgot how to go to the toilet. Granted he’s worse when he’s tired but I just really need some advice on what to do next.
My mum won’t put him in a home so we are trying carers again, he did have them last year but didn’t like them so stopped letting them in, but we just don’t know what we can give him to eat. He’s currently on meal replacements shakes but he’s losing a lot of weight.
Im 27 years old and I feel a bit alone trying to help my grandad and trying to be a parent to my mum aswell as trying to navigate my own grief and still work. I just need a bit of support or help but I really don’t know where to turn

Thank you

 

[Kevinl]

Take a big breath in and remember we are here to listen, and, where we can help or at least offer support. Keep posting. K

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Beth sowersby and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to read your story. It does sound as though your grandad will need a lot of care and supervision that, realistically, may be difficult to provide without professional support. Carers visiting several times daily might be sufficient for a while but ultimately a care home may be the best solution. That's often not what anyone wants but it may be what is needed.

My personal experience - my wife is in a care home - has been largely positive. I couldn't give her the care that she deserves, despite my best efforts. Since moving to her care home she is properly looked after by a team of people for 24 hours every day. She has become accustomed to her environment and seems content.

I would say that for your granddad's sake, and your own, that you shouldn't rule out the option of a care home. I hope this helps.
Please feel free to come back here anytime and we'll do our best to support you.

Care homes: When is the right time and who decides?

Advice and practical tips for carers on when is the right time for a person to be moved to a care home.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Sonya1]

Your post is just heartbreaking - you are so young to have suffered so much loss and now, to be working and trying to care for everyone else. My hnest advice would be to contact your local social services asap and tell them everything. You are in real danger of total burnout I think, ask them for a carers needs assessment. Tell them that you cannot do it all anymore. At the very least, there may be support available to you. As far as your Mum is concerned... I'm truly sorry for her illness/addiction and of course you obviously love and care for her but you need some space, some time to be young and to enjoy your working life etc. Your dear Grandad sounds as though his needs are, or will soon be, far too much to deal with at his home and he will be at risk of harm.- so again, this needs to be referred to social services. I think maybe try and talk to your Mum about trying to get him a couple of weeks respite in a home so that you can all evaluate the experience? He might enjoy the feeling of 24 hour companionship, no responsibility etc which could go some way to calming your Mum's possible fears? I'm really glad you've reached out. I'm just thinking aloud and others will hopefully have much better advice than me!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Beth sowersby Welcome.

Your mum may not want your granddad in residential care but she is not taking responsibility for the caring and is not being fair on you by making that decision.

It sounds as if you are such a loving and caring person you will put yourself last and take care of everyone else before yourself.

You do need help and you are the only one who can ask for it. No one else will ask for you.

Contact Social Services and ask for a carers assessment. Tell them of your situation or print off your first post for them to read.

Carer's assessments - Social care and support guide

See if you can get support from your council, such as extra money or a break from caring.

www.nhs.uk

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