Family carers burnout and conflict. Time for mediation?

[LadyLouise]

I went to sleep worrying about various family members nearing burnout, and also in conflict with each other over Mom’s care plan, medication decisions and financial arrangements. I woke up at 4am with an acute anxiety attack. Managed to stay calm and look after myself, but chest pain persisted for an hour. Please don’t worry! I have been thoroughly medically checked out, my physical heart anyway is in great shape. I’m due for a check up in the next couple of days, and will mention it.

I called my sister in the states and said I think we’re at a crisis point now, with 5 different family members at varying stages of burnout. I’m worried that due to my Mom’s complex needs and high anxiety levels, that her excellent professional care assistants are going to start burning out one by one. My sister and I decided not to do anything in haste, just verbalise that yes, this is a crisis, and we need to start piecing together some sustainable agreements.

In these situations in the past, I have found myself being the default facilitator/mediator. People seem to think I’m good at it. Maybe they imagine it comes easily for me. But I have no emotional capacity or mental energy right now for anything beyond my own daily survival. Also, I have my own personal perspective. So while I can be objective, I‘m not neutral in this situation. Nobody else in the family wants or is equipped to facilitate a conversation.

I’m on a break from caring, but going back in 2 weeks for a 3-week stint, and dreading it. I had a total mental health crisis just over 2 weeks ago.

I’m thinking about getting the involved family members to agree to an emergency zoom mediation session with an Eldercare Mediator, just to make some basic agreements for now, to avoid a breakdown in our relationships and individual burnout. With the plan to then have further sessions to hopefully reach some reconciliation and to fine-tune our agreements.

Any advice or experience to share about family mediation in a caring situation would be gratefully received.

Even though I live in the UK I’m looking for a US based mediator, in case anyone has a personal recommendation.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @LadyLouise

Sometimes too much talk and discussion can do more harm than good.

If you are suffering from acute anxiety, all you can do is what`s best for yourself. Tell all the others involved you will need to step away for your own health.

It sounds as if your mum has sufficient people involved in her care. Do you think it might be a case of `too many cooks can spoil the broth`?

I don`t think any harm will come to your mum if you step back, give yourself time to recover and have a break.

 

[LadyLouise]

Hello @LadyLouise

Sometimes too much talk and discussion can do more harm than good.

If you are suffering from acute anxiety, all you can do is what`s best for yourself. Tell all the others involved you will need to step away for your own health.

It sounds as if your mum has sufficient people involved in her care. Do you think it might be a case of `too many cooks can spoil the broth`?

I don`t think any harm will come to your mum if you step back, give yourself time to recover and have a break.

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m on a break now, which has helped a lot. The family member with the most conflict has agreed in principle to mediation and I’ve identified a good mediator.