Expert Q&A on loneliness - Tuesday 24th May, 7-8pm

[The Chewtor]

although i spend a lot of time in general meaningless chat with many people, i also have too much time on my own so when i do get sensible company i do not want to waste it on negative thoughts and feelings so do tend to bottle them up

 

[EmmaL]

Hi KevinL, thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm hearing you talk about how perhaps we all have different tolerances for being alone. It sounds like you have an ability to 'be' by yourself, whereas perhaps other people may struggle here.

With regards whether it is good for you - I guess that's something only you can answer. It might be useful to reflect on or maybe fine tune your sense of when you feel you need the input of others.

Your comment made me think of a quote -

“A lonely day is the universe's way of saying that it wants to spend some quality time with you.”

 

[EmmaL]

Wayne - it sounds like you're talking about different levels of communication, so the superficial, and then something deeper, where it feels like we are understood and appreciated by another.

I wondering why 'negative thoughts and feelings' are something that you don't feel you should share? For me, these are the things that make a person real, and human.

 

[Kevinl]

although i spend a lot of time in general meaningless chat with many people, i also have too much time on my own so when i do get sensible company i do not want to waste it on negative thoughts and feelings so do tend to bottle them up

But ultimately most "chat" is just that, pretty meaningless, is there no one you can find to discuss how you feel that can listen and understand how you feel?
Ages back when my wife was still well enough we used to go to the pub, her condition never got mentioned as she was in denial, our friends just accepted the situation and allowed for it. I recently lost a friend to cancer and I'll admit I found it difficult to talk about with him. He told me the latest situation then we went onto football or whatever.
K

 

[The Chewtor]

thanks Emma, it is not that i feel that i do not want to share (that was old me), it is that the quality time with someone face to face that does understand and 'get it' feels like it would be wasted if talking about negatives. this is where TP is great because there are so many people that get it and do care, even about me personally, but they are not face to face conversation contacts so the wonderful support is kind of diluted by the time it takes to have the conversation.

still not sure i am explaining myself right!

wayne

 

[EmmaL]

Hello again, KevinL - what you describe here really resonates for me. Sometimes it can feel too much to share what we really feel as it makes it real, brings it out into the open, and makes us vulnerable. Finding people we can be vulnerable with is, I think, a work in progress throughout life.

 

[The Chewtor]

exactly it Kevin .because it is difficult to talk about we skirt around it or drop it. that cannot be right surely? only here do things get real air time but this somehow feels remote and therefore increases the lonely/alone feelings

wayne

 

[Kevinl]

still not sure i am explaining myself right!
wayne

I understand what you mean, you can say more in 2 minutes face to face than you can on here in half an hour, specially if your typing isn't too quick. Plus you don't get the feedback you get when you can see someone's face.
K

 

[HarrietD]

Ok, that brings us to the end of today's Q&A session. Thanks everyone for joining us and to Wayne and Kevin for your questions - I hope you've both found it helpful. Thanks Emma for kindly offering your time and expertise

 

[Kevinl]

exactly it Kevin .because it is difficult to talk about we skirt around it or drop it. that cannot be right surely? only here do things get real air time but this somehow feels remote and therefore increases the lonely/alone feelings
wayne

I think you should define yourself as a person with an illness, not an illness with a person. That was said to me by a friend who'd been in a wheelchair from a very young age and that's exactly what she was a person in a wheelchair not a wheelchair with a person in it.
K

 

[The Chewtor]

yep. have been typing away on hear like a mad thing for the full hour and am now really tired but we are only just reaching the point of starting to discuss???

this just makes me feel even more cut off and frustrated. no ones fault but mine but it does seem real tough to find someone who is a right someone lol

wayne

 

[Kevinl]

Night guys

 

[The Chewtor]

thanks all

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks both, Emma's just typing her final reply

 

[EmmaL]

Thanks for inviting me Harriet, and thanks to Kevin and Wayne, it's been really interesting hearing your thoughts and feelings. I agree that it can feel like something is missing when talking about emotions through a forum - as emotions are such multi-dimensional experiences, but I think it's great that we've been able to talk about some of this today.

If anyone would like to talk more about how they are feeling to a helpline adviser - we are available by phone on 0300 222 1122, or by email on helpline@alzheimers.org.uk