Do I move or stay?
- Thread starter Andy63
- Start date
We have been able to change our dining room into a bedroom and lucky enough to have a downstairs bathroom. My problem is we have a large garden which for over 3 years now my husband has been unable to manage so it has become a bit of a jungle. Have just spent about a £1000 to get the worst of it under control but I can't keep spending so am also thinking of moving but the thought of sorting and packing up and the worry of how my husband will be is daunting. He was bad enough while garden work was going on. I would be interested to hear how others coped with it and did it make the dementia worse.
We moved from a bungalow and relocated to another bungalow to be nearer our son.
This was before my husband was diagnosed but when I was having problems managing his changed behaviour.
He was unable to do anything to help and I ended up moving dozens of boxes of stuff which, had I had more support could have been sent to charity shops or thrown out.
It was a struggle and the garage at the new bungalow was used to store unneeded goods.
Even if you haven`t decided exactly what to do @Andy63 there is nothing to stop you having a sort out now.
This was before my husband was diagnosed but when I was having problems managing his changed behaviour.
He was unable to do anything to help and I ended up moving dozens of boxes of stuff which, had I had more support could have been sent to charity shops or thrown out.
It was a struggle and the garage at the new bungalow was used to store unneeded goods.
Even if you haven`t decided exactly what to do @Andy63 there is nothing to stop you having a sort out now.
Might be a good idea to also arrange a ‘holiday’ for a few days for your wife so that she is well out the way while the worst of the sorting going on. Very best of luck, there is no easy solution here and all have downsides, it’s deciding on which is the best long term one for yourselves.
hello Andy
It 's a difficult one whichever way you turn.
I know moving house is a massive upheaval but having a bathroom installed downstairs would probably be quite an upheaval in itself.
If you did this, how would you both feel about what my husband's social worker called having a micro bedroom(!) in the dining room. I imagine you might be going up and downstairs endlessly. Or would you more or less live down stairs too. Would your wife still try to go upstairs too which is what she is familiar with and would it be safe to leave her if that's the case.
A bungalow might be the solution and if you decide this you could start the always uncomfortable task of sorting stuff out sooner rather than later while the estate agents and solicitors do their work.
I very much wish I had done this a year ago. In our case in our area it would have been looking for a garden flat as bungalows cost more than our litt!e house. My husband was already having problems with the stairs then but had 2 horrible falls backwards and since last November he's been confined to upstairs where there's a bathroom. But I increasingly incontinent now so....
I just suggest doing what you can while you are able to and while your wife can tolerate the change then you can enjoy some stair free time together.
Hi Annieka
Thank you for truly useful and considered contribution. Yes, Lesley is double incontinent now and has been so for a couple of years. I fear I may only have 6 or more months until the stairs become a no go. I try and get her out of the house for short walks, but she easily becomes exhausted and freezes. So building work would take months, upset Lesley and may devalue the property too. It looks like a bungalow move - must keep taking my tablets 🙄🤣
Hi @Andy63 I agree, I think moving is the answer. We were living in a house on 4 floors and moved 3 years ago to a ground floor flat with a garden shortly after my OH was diagnosed. My husband coped quite well with the move, but we did have to have some work done which my OH found challenging. Sadly we are about to move again to be closer to family and it is going to be much harder because my OH has deteriorated significantly, but we have moved quite a lot over the years and know I can manage it on my own. I am very much thinking of my needs now - being closer to family to get some help, and preparing for when I will be living alone. Good luck with it all xxx
I have a son in Weymouth and a daughter 3 miles away. We plan to move to Bexhill which is 50 miles further from our daughter. She has a job and two teenage children and is now divorced, so I will try and rely on local carers to support Lesley and I, she helps when she can but has enough on her plate. Our son visits once a month.
Just keep on recycling and giving to charity shops - it will never do any harm and it's good to have the start of a clear out whether you're moving or staying. After all, how many flat bed sheets does anyone need when they only ever use fitted sheets? A stack of old towels that haven't seen daylight since 1990... Enough electric blankets and heated plug in throws to warm up 5 families. That's one shelf done.
Just do one bit at a time and gradually clear the decks.
And it's great that your son will help you.
Good luck with it all.
Just do one bit at a time and gradually clear the decks.
And it's great that your son will help you.
Good luck with it all.
So,so true, starred already, sheets and towels next!!
Attachments
Yes my daughters have children and work full time and have enough on their plate, my son lives in Canada. My brother in law lives near them and he will help, but it means it will be easier for me to be more involved with my children and grandchildren. I want my children to have their life, they are not close to their father who was not an easy man.
Just wondering if you have had a carers assessment? My husband gets 8 weeks of respite a year which helps a lot, but I know when I move I'm going to have to fight for this support again. I'm still exhausted all the time though.
I know how you feel, some days are dreadful, others ok, thank God. Yes, not much respite care yet, I just pay for the odd hour if needed. Will arrange another assessment when I move, My LA is a bit feeble on support. When my wife fell and broke her arm they sent the rehab team round. 'Ah your wife has Altzheimers? Sorry they determine Altzheimers sufferers cannot be rehabitated, you will have to contact a therapist privately'. So one feels very lonely here. I hope the new LA is better🙄
Adapting our house or moving, both equally upsetting for my wife, at least moving happens over a couple of days!! We rent homes to stay in and she is happy with that, as long as she is not sleeping on her own.
