So today my mam, partly I think because she didn't take her donepezil when she's supposed to, has been asking me all day how long we've lived at our current address and got it into her head that we had only been there a few weeks as she was unfamiliar with where things are. The truth is she actually moved there with my late dad 24 years ago (I think it was because of his job) and I moved there in 2002, got my own place in 2008 and moved back there in 2018 after dad passed away. When I tried to explain this to mam she accused me of telling lies. Do I tell her the truth like I have been and get my head bitten off or do I try to go along with what she says and hope it doesn't come back to bite me later on?
Disagreements with a person with dementia
- Thread starter PAUL GAGIE
- Start date
It’s not worth the argument and upset. Just agree. There is absolutely no way your mum can remember these things now I’m afraid, that part of her brain has been damaged.
As has been said, you have to live on their world when they can no longer live in ours.
I'm not saying it's easy, it isn't, you can teach a child by repetition, but here you're managing an envitable decline, fight all the battles you want but you will always lose the war.
Just don't end up sitting alone and think how much better you could have done after the time comes, enjoy your time together, now, while you still can. K
I'm not saying it's easy, it isn't, you can teach a child by repetition, but here you're managing an envitable decline, fight all the battles you want but you will always lose the war.
Just don't end up sitting alone and think how much better you could have done after the time comes, enjoy your time together, now, while you still can. K
💗 Hi
I think you may know the answer given the response your mam gave you..
The best approach is not to disagree and to go along with things as best you can.
I would just say a very long time mam and then distract on to something else, then the next time 24 years mam and distract on to something else and then the next time and the next time keep doing the same thing.
The looping may be that something else is unsettling her as well it might not be related to that the question but sometimes when another need is not met then the looping may and I say may because it can be hard to tell, ramp up.
It is incredibly wearing though I completely understand x
Hello @PAUL GAGIE
I hope this will help.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Following on from my post the other night, tonight it was worse. She told me she hated our house including the wrong number of bedrooms and cheap carpets, and asking me awkward questions about our previous house, which we moved out of 24 years ago but she seems to think was much more recent. I was trying to be diplomatic with my answers but again if I tell her the truth she'll accuse me of lying and we end up having an argument and things get out of control. I don't know if this is just a blip and she'll have forgotten saying all this in the morning, or if she'll persist in which case I may have to take action. She went to bed very miserable.
@PAUL GAGIE it is a waste of time trying to tell your mum the truth. She will NOT believe you, as she has her own truth.
All you can do is try to follow the advice others have given you, neutral answers such as, hmmm is that so, or even just, yes mum, I think you are right.
As you have found trying to tell the truth upsets both of you.
All you can do is try to follow the advice others have given you, neutral answers such as, hmmm is that so, or even just, yes mum, I think you are right.
As you have found trying to tell the truth upsets both of you.
I remember when my mum was still in her house. She used to tell me the house has loads of bedrooms and insisted on showing them to me. Back and forth from her sitting room to her bedroom.
In the end she said they must be over the road and we agreed it was too late to go outside and see them . All I could do was make reassuring noises and say they must be somewhere and we could look the next day
All forgotten the next time I saw her.
In the end she said they must be over the road and we agreed it was too late to go outside and see them . All I could do was make reassuring noises and say they must be somewhere and we could look the next day
All forgotten the next time I saw her.
Just agree, whatever she say.
If she says the best quality axminster is rubbish, just agree, nothing is going to change by you argueing that its good quality etc etc
She probably will persist, a new phase, a whole new level of confusion & mixed up memories
Nothing you can do , easiest way is just to agree, or a least not try &correct her
If she says the best quality axminster is rubbish, just agree, nothing is going to change by you argueing that its good quality etc etc
She probably will persist, a new phase, a whole new level of confusion & mixed up memories
Nothing you can do , easiest way is just to agree, or a least not try &correct her
You have been given good advice to just go with it and remain calm and neutral. To her these things are as real as your reality is to you. Imagine how frustrating it would be for you to be told everything you thought was real was not.
I don't know what sort of action could be taken TBH.
I agree with what others have said, sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest option. But, it can be exhausting sometimes.
When visiting mum I feel like I'm walking on egg shells trying not to say something which will trigger the gloom monster. And if I do inadvertantly trigger the gloom monster I then spend the remainder of the visit trying to distract her onto something more cheerful, unsuccessfully usually, and then being accused of not believing a word she says.
If you have photo's of the family in the house over the past 24 years would it help if you asked her for help in moving them into an album? That may give her the opportunity to 'remember' things about the house without you being cast as the villain of the peace.
This may be your mums new normal, or it may be a blip because of the medication hiccup you mentioned, or it may become less of an issue later on. There's no guarantees unfortunately as peoples progression with dementia will not always be the same.
When visiting mum I feel like I'm walking on egg shells trying not to say something which will trigger the gloom monster. And if I do inadvertantly trigger the gloom monster I then spend the remainder of the visit trying to distract her onto something more cheerful, unsuccessfully usually, and then being accused of not believing a word she says.
If you have photo's of the family in the house over the past 24 years would it help if you asked her for help in moving them into an album? That may give her the opportunity to 'remember' things about the house without you being cast as the villain of the peace.
This may be your mums new normal, or it may be a blip because of the medication hiccup you mentioned, or it may become less of an issue later on. There's no guarantees unfortunately as peoples progression with dementia will not always be the same.
💗 The link Grannie G has posted helped me a lot and changed the way I had been speaking to my loved one.
Now a lot more wiser and a few years on .. You cannot change the person and their truth is their truth almost like saying black is white when the person can only see black. You can only control your own reactions.
I notice that moods are so easily picked up on so if you feel yourself getting annoyed then take yourself away for five mins, make a brew, go to the end of the garden or another room and shout if it helps.... Diplomacy requires some reasoning on the other person's part which sadly a person experiencing dementia just cannot reason in the way we would so just agree where ever possible.
Cheap carpets , yes I know I might have to look for something different.
Number of bedrooms - mmm I think you might be right there , will have to count them again. Whatever it might be the path of least resistance is best xx
By sheer luck once I just said well we are in a pickle aren't we ? The reply came as a surprise expecting an argument back but instead my loved one said we are you are right there what shall we do? I said I have no idea what to do to be honest shall we have a cup of though and by probably sheer luck they said yes I think so. Have no idea why it worked but we didn't repeat the same thing of asking to go home for a few days after.
Let us know how things go
💗
Mam was not too bad over the weekend although I came in from work tonight and I had to whizz around and tidy up some of her mess and after she'd gone to bed I had to fix her medipack - again. I don't know of anyone else out there has this problem but I've started a secret stash of any tablets she doesn't take to use for occasions where she takes too many and could fall short on a given day. I'm also wondering if, on top of the 10mg of Donepezil she usually takes, ordering some of those memory tablets that I've seen advertised in these healthy living catalogues, such as the Lucy Memory Capsules. Any advice on this?
I don’t know what tablets your Mum takes but it sounds as though she needs someone to oversee her taking them if she is either taking too many or missing some out!
I don’t think you should risk putting your mum on any capsules that her doctor hasn’t recommended, without first obtaining the doctor’s views. The catalogue people don’t know your mum’s medical history and what drugs she’s already on, so they won’t know how the capsules will react with her existing medication and what the risks are.
Hello @PAUL GAGIE I think that you need to arrange carers to come in to supervise your mum’s medication. It is no safe to go over or under the recommended dose.
Please do not use anything not prescribed by your mum’s doctor without discussing it with them. You do not want to risk giving your mum something not medically approved that could react with her current meds.
Please do not use anything not prescribed by your mum’s doctor without discussing it with them. You do not want to risk giving your mum something not medically approved that could react with her current meds.
❤️
When Dad began to get muddled over tablets even though we had the little dosset things and we were regularly visiting it was time to think about extra help especially if you are stashing spare ones or she is taking too many.
As for the other tablets I haven't heard of those but I would not be giving them unless I had the okay from her GP.
When Dad began to get muddled over tablets even though we had the little dosset things and we were regularly visiting it was time to think about extra help especially if you are stashing spare ones or she is taking too many.
As for the other tablets I haven't heard of those but I would not be giving them unless I had the okay from her GP.
Don't tinker with medication @PAUL GAGIE.
Honestly, even with the best of intentions it can have a massive impact on a persons wellbeing. In fact, even when adjusted by professionals there can be unforeseen issues. My mums pain medication was changed after consultation with her GP and consultant and three days later she was rushed to hospital practically unconscious and experiencing extreme delerium as a direct result of the medication change.
There is not a shred of evidence that memory capsules work in the way that they're advertised. There's a reason they're advertised on eBay, Amazon and the back of magazines.
Honestly, even with the best of intentions it can have a massive impact on a persons wellbeing. In fact, even when adjusted by professionals there can be unforeseen issues. My mums pain medication was changed after consultation with her GP and consultant and three days later she was rushed to hospital practically unconscious and experiencing extreme delerium as a direct result of the medication change.
There is not a shred of evidence that memory capsules work in the way that they're advertised. There's a reason they're advertised on eBay, Amazon and the back of magazines.
Don’t disagree, it’s completely pointless. She believes what she believes. I just try to go “mmm yes”, “oh I expect so” “probably that’s right” etc. the important thing is keeping the peace as otherwise neither of you will be happy.
It’s exhausting and frustrating.
It’s exhausting and frustrating.
