Dementia’s journey

[Dutchman]

Hi there everyone, me again. Just spent a weekend with our daughter and family. Home now.

No matter how much you’re surrounded by love ones and those that wish you well, when i drive home with an empty passenger seat it hits me hard that I’m lonely and hurting for Bridget.

This is especially difficult because while she was alive I would detour from going home and go see her in the home. It’s the absence of talking about our weekend, making little plans and looking forward to doing nothing together which meant so much to us. You can surround yourself with family and friends but it’s that special person that just wants you because of the relationship built up over years.

 

[maisiecat]

Hi there everyone, me again. Just spent a weekend with our daughter and family. Home now.

No matter how much you’re surrounded by love ones and those that wish you well, when i drive home with an empty passenger seat it hits me hard that I’m lonely and hurting for Bridget.

This is especially difficult because while she was alive I would detour from going home and go see her in the home. It’s the absence of talking about our weekend, making little plans and looking forward to doing nothing together which meant so much to us. You can surround yourself with family and friends but it’s that special person that just wants you because of the relationship built up over years.

Hi @Dutchman, it is very sad and it is about the sharing of news and titbits about family and friends. Sometimes its when I am with other people I am most lonely.
Take care

 

[Dutchman]

I post on here and keep going round in circles. I guess that’s the nature of grieving.

I beat myself up thinking I could’ve done more for Bridget when she was at home. She became confused and frightened and I didn’t know how to manage especially when she refused to recognise me as her husband. I retreated into self protection mode and couldn’t give the understanding and compassion she probably wanted.

In the care home she repeatedly begged me to take her out and, if it hadn’t been for the imposed isolation of those Covid years, it would’ve been worse going inside and her pulling me towards the door.

I hurt because of her hurting. I cry because I can’t go see her now and, even though she couldn’t have understood, I could say sorry.

Do you think the guilt ever goes away? I’m not so sure. I just want to be at peace with all of this and come to some sort of acceptance that I can live with.

Peter

 

[maisiecat]

I post on here and keep going round in circles. I guess that’s the nature of grieving.

I beat myself up thinking I could’ve done more for Bridget when she was at home. She became confused and frightened and I didn’t know how to manage especially when she refused to recognise me as her husband. I retreated into self protection mode and couldn’t give the understanding and compassion she probably wanted.

In the care home she repeatedly begged me to take her out and, if it hadn’t been for the imposed isolation of those Covid years, it would’ve been worse going inside and her pulling me towards the door.

I hurt because of her hurting. I cry because I can’t go see her now and, even though she couldn’t have understood, I could say sorry.

Do you think the guilt ever goes away? I’m not so sure. I just want to be at peace with all of this and come to some sort of acceptance that I can live with.

Peter

Hi @Dutchman ,grief is a long drawn out process and can be very overwhelming. Do you have anyone you can talk to ? I remember you are still going to visit Bridget's care home so I wonder if they have any contacts that could help. Dealing with grief is something they are very used to as they see the grief we have as we have to accept the changes to our person and then the final grief.
I understand how you feel about feeling you weren't able to do enough, I feel like that about my husband who superficially can come across as quite ok but I know he is quite ok because a team of people deal with him and sooth all his anxieties. Its hard to know someone else can do a better job than you.
So many of us on here deal with the enormous guilt we feel but we do our best and thats all we can do and the people we love and who loved us wouldn't ask for more.
Take care, be kind to yourself.

 

[Donna Kebab]

I post on here and keep going round in circles. I guess that’s the nature of grieving.

I beat myself up thinking I could’ve done more for Bridget when she was at home. She became confused and frightened and I didn’t know how to manage especially when she refused to recognise me as her husband. I retreated into self protection mode and couldn’t give the understanding and compassion she probably wanted.

In the care home she repeatedly begged me to take her out and, if it hadn’t been for the imposed isolation of those Covid years, it would’ve been worse going inside and her pulling me towards the door.

I hurt because of her hurting. I cry because I can’t go see her now and, even though she couldn’t have understood, I could say sorry.

Do you think the guilt ever goes away? I’m not so sure. I just want to be at peace with all of this and come to some sort of acceptance that I can live with.

Peter

Have you tried writing her a letter? It can sometimes help to get everything you wanted/want to say down on paper; The trouble you had when she stopped recognising you, why you couldn't bring her back from the care home, how much you are hurting and how sorry you are for all the things you may have got wrong. Doesn't matter how long or short it is, just let out everything you need to get off your chest. Take the letter with you when you visit her grave, read it to her and tell her how much you love her and ask her forgiveness, then bury the letter in the grave along with the guilt, because you two seemed to have a rare and precious love for each other, and with that comes an almost automatic forgiveness.

 

[Dutchman]

Have you tried writing her a letter? It can sometimes help to get everything you wanted/want to say down on paper; The trouble you had when she stopped recognising you, why you couldn't bring her back from the care home, how much you are hurting and how sorry you are for all the things you may have got wrong. Doesn't matter how long or short it is, just let out everything you need to get off your chest. Take the letter with you when you visit her grave, read it to her and tell her how much you love her and ask her forgiveness, then bury the letter in the grave along with the guilt, because you two seemed to have a rare and precious love for each other, and with that comes an almost automatic forgiveness.

Thank you everyone for the constructive comments

I’ve been told before that the letter thing is a good idea. Perhaps I’ll try that. I’m going up to the grave this afternoon.

The staff in her home are friendly and I could talk to them. Just to confirm how content she was during the last 3 years she was with them.

Thank you. Peter

 

[Dutchman]

Thank you everyone for the constructive comments

I’ve been told before that the letter thing is a good idea. Perhaps I’ll try that. I’m going up to the grave this afternoon.

The staff in her home are friendly and I could talk to them. Just to confirm how content she was during the last 3 years she was with them.

Thank you. Pete

 

[Dutchman]

I’ve visited the grave today just before it fell down with rain. Stayed about 30 mins.

Being a woodland burial ground and very overgrown at the moment I panicked because I couldn’t find her. I literally dissolved into tears at losing her all over again. Eventually I found her and calmed down, sat next to the mound, got out the letter I’d written and placed into a hole dug out of the side. ( you’re not supposed to alter the original mound but I’m sure I’m not the only one).

Sitting next to her grave is the closest I’m ever going to get to her, and I know it’s just her remains, but somehow I fool myself into thinking I’m close and she knows. Is that weird? Is it healthy? I don’t really know. But I need to do it like I need to look at her photos. It’s a grieving drug and I’m an addict.