confusion

[Kyla392]

Hi I am totally new to this type of thing and don't know where to start. My mum has Alzheimer's and currently lives with my dad. My mum has always been very stubborn and has always been a fighter when it comes to her health and wellbeing. She was diagnosed about 2 years ago, we knew as a family for sometime before but she refused to go to the Dr and said we were ganging up on her. I think because she refuses to accept her diagnosis she seems to have deteriorated rapidly, does this happen quickly? My mum is currently experiencing incontinence issues, she doesn't always recognize my voice on the phone, she makes telephone calls saying there's a strange man in the house who she is scared of and wants to call the police (my dad) she swears so much which is very new to her. My dad isnt well he has a heart condition and his BP is very high, she can be very aggressive towards him sometimes. She appears to be reliving things that happened in the past telling me she is living in her childhood home, she cries alot which is quite distressing too. We organised a voluntary house sitter but she refused it, Ive got her going to a singing group for people with dementia she loves it. We have sorted LPA's for health and money just incase. It is sad but I don't have a very good relationship with my mum she was a great grandma and she gets on very well with my brother, I think maybe I was more challenging as a teenager, my husband and children have all noticed how differently she treats me and now its heightened with the dementia I live 3 plus hours away and try to get up once a month to see them but most of the time it turns into a very stressful place, I call her every day and she is usually happy to hear my voice. I feel very guilty i cant do more to help my brother who lives nearby he doesn't moan at me and deals with stuff daily mum only trusts him she refuses to tell me anything, I feel guilty because I feel i don't particularly like my mum anymore, I hate seeing her suffer and i feel quite helpless.
I am sorry i have gone on and on. thank you for listening. x

 

[rosiedog1]

You are in exactly the same place as me. My mum also has alzheimer's and has recently gone into a care home. My brother and I both live an hour away so not as far as you. I visited mum every week when she was at home and we did lots of stuff together and she relied on me for appointments etc. Mum has always been a strong independent woman who doesn't suffer fools gladly. She was never a kiss and cuddles mum and never told us she loved us.
Since she has taken a downturn, my brother is golden boy and I have dumped her in the home, am lazy, never done anything for her, and as SHE IS MY MOTHER I should put her before anything and everything in my life. Then I was told I'm no longer her daughter and got accused of stealing her money.
I know its the illness speaking but there is only so much you can do and hear without it affecting you. I'm now taking complete time out and my brother has taken over, commenting I don't know how you've put up with this for as long as you have. I'm now on antidepressants, so please do not blame yourself, put your family and yourself first, or you will make yourself ill and be no good for anyone. Oh and one last thing that I will admit to you, I don't like my mum either, but like someone told me the other day, your mum died a long time ago and this person is not nice and is like an imposter living in your mum's body.

 

[canary]

Hello @Kyla392 and welcome to the forum

I suspect that your dad has been covering for your mum for a long time. All the things you describe are symptoms of late mid-stage dementia - including making you the scapegoat for her problems and confusions; one family member is often picked out for this.

You might find this useful

The middle stage of dementia

In the middle stage of dementia, symptoms become more noticeable and the person will need more support in managing daily life. This stage of dementia is often the longest. On average it lasts about two to four years.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Im glad POA has been organised because, I think that soon you will need it.
I think that its going to be important to introduce care soon, especially as your dad is not a well man, so I would be inclined to try and continue with the sitter.

 

[Kyla392]

Thank you for the feedback, it’s really appreciated. Since I wrote the post she has now left the house 3 times, sneaking out or locking my dad in and walking in our village in the pouring rain, no coat just a pair of scissors and hairbrush and crying. She was also found by a man we don’t know who it was who picked her up and must have recognised her as he dropped her home sobbing. Today my brother had popped into his local for a one drink after being with my parents for the entire afternoon as he left he saw our mum standing completely still on the zebra crossing with cars beeping their horns at her. My brother was devastated by the seeing my mum so vulnerable they walked her home finding my dad on his way down to the village also in a state crying. I feel useless as the rest of the family struggle. I am looking at door alarms and we have also written to the dr explaining everything, my brother has put in place authority to communicate about mums care. Dr has been helpful thankfully. We think we may have to somehow force home help, can we do this or does mum have to agree. My dad is desperate for respite as is my brother and his wife.

 

[sdmhred]

Hi @Kyla392

what a worry for you and difficult because of ur past relationship.

In the light of ur mum’s recent wandering amd being picked up by a stranger - although kindly - she’s very vulnetable.

i would now contact Social Services and ask for an urgent care assessment for your mum and a carers assessment for your Dad. They both definitely need some support quite urgently.

If you are self funding could u use the POA to arrange a weeks respite for ur Dad by mum having a break in a care home?

please hit the guilt monster with a big stick! You are doing loads by the sound of it…..the fact u are here shows ur trying to do the best in a very difficult scenario,