Caring for mum

[Dukey]

Hi everyone
I’ve been caring for my mum for the past 3 years. She’s never been caring or easy to get on with but in 2006 she got particularly nasty with all her relatives making up lies screaming at them in public threatening letters and phone calls she drove all her family away including myself who she was particularly aggressive.
I was out shopping one day and bumped into her and she screamed at me that my dad was dead I realised how scared of her I was, he had Alzheimer’s but had died of cancer .Just looking at her I knew something was off , so I rang her a couple of weeks later, I have been looking after her ever since . She has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia I managed to get her a brain scan and diagnosis fairly quickly. I have LPA with my husband since 2015 but didn’t use it until 2 years ago so in that respect getting things sorted has been plain sailing.
She has no idea there is anything wrong with her she insists she does everything herself the truth is I do everything undercover, I got her a Gardener ,sneaking food in, finances, medication, I’m running 2 homes .Thankfully she’s mellowed a lot in the past 6 months I think this is due anxiety. She thanks me a lot and it makes me sad because she’s vulnerable but I do think it’s the nearest thing I’ve ever had to a mother.

 

[Alice_M]

Hi @Dukey and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum.

I'm very sorry to read about your current situation with your mum. You will find lots of support and understanding here, I am sure other members will be along to your post soon.

 

[Kevinl]

On her behalf my I thank you too.
Presumptuous I know but I'll always thank you to all the fellow cares out there, we do understand what you're going through. L

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Dukey and welcome from me also. It is so sad that you only feel that you now have a mum because she has mellowed due to the dementia but other members on her have said similar things in the past.

It is not uncommon for people with dementia to say that they are doing everything for themselves when in effect family members, as you are, are doing everything for them. You say that you are in effect running two households, no one can sustain that for ever. If you have not already done so please contact your local adult social services to arrange a needs assessment for your mum and a carers assessment for yourself.

Again it might be an idea to apply for Attendance Allowance for your mum, this is a non means tested allowance and if granted can lead to other benefits such as a council tax disregard. I have attached a link below regarding the allowance.

Attendance Allowance

Attendance Allowance helps pay for your personal care if you've reached State Pension age and are disabled - rates, eligibility, apply, claim form AA1.

www.gov.uk

 

[Dukey]

Thank you for all your kind responses it brought a tear to my eye . I had social services out last year and they won’t do anything because she’s self funding. I have attendance allowance for her and so she no longer pays council tax , I get support from the mental health team and her GP and I have her in a club one day a week. However that leaves me 6 days to fill as she won’t go anywhere else I’ve tried which led to a full blown temper tantrum. I see her 2 or 3 days a week I also call her twice a day roughly an hour a time as she just repeats herself constantly. My husband has had to step back as he finds her behaviour towards me upsetting, however he is really good at taking the pressure off me in other areas and doesn’t mind if I have a shout at him to release the stress, obviously I can’t do it to her it’s not her fault. My OH and I have had a lovely day with my son and granddaughter today but the feeling of dread is creeping up on me because of the 6 0clock phone call is due hopefully it won’t be to bad because when I tell her I am taking her out tomorrow it will make her happy for the few short minutes she remembers it .