Caring for 91 year old mum with mixed dementia

[Bonmont]

Hi, I am caring alone for my 91 year old mum with Alzheimer's and mixed dementia, diagnosed over 2 years ago, who is living alone in my town. She is deteriorating month on month and although when I read some of the threads here I think she is doing well, I am seeing her confused existence escalating. Mum is amazing with regards to overcoming life's problems but this is takin hold of her quickly now. I am 68 years old myself and find the stress of all this harder to take as the weeks go on.

She has always been an incessant talker and now it's unbearable - constant repetition. She gets aggressive if I don't pay 100% attention & won't let me do any jobs to take off the torture. I am managing the situation JUST, sometimes, but she won't have a carer or helper & she dislikes anyone trying to help out.
We go abroad after Christmas every year for 3 months & I did sign up an agency for a visit, initially , once a week to begin. They have to take off their uniform & badge before they visit her as she wouldn't entertain them if she knew who they are. I have told her they work for the NHS memory service and its a thing they do... she won't let them do anything for her and so they just sit and chat & that keeps her happy sometimes. I am trying to hatch a plan for this coming winter holiday as time is running out for us too as my husband is 70 in soon. How may healthy years do we have for travelling ? or am I being selfish ?. We have worked hard all our life raising a family da de da de da...
The sad part is that if mum was easier to manage life would be fuller for her but she works against me so much.
Any way this is my story up to now....

 

[Firecatcher]

First of all you’re not being selfish in still trying to lead your own life with your husband and you certainly need travel and do activities whilst your still healthy. Sadly dementia is an all consuming disease and has a profound impact on family members too. You need to set firm boundaries in terms of what you’re prepared to do for your Mum otherwise you’ll be totally sucked in. Unfortunately health professionals and social services are more than happy for this to happen and will let you get to breaking point before they step in particularly if you live close by.

 

[canary]

Hello @Bonmont

I remember this stage with mum. She too lived by herself and was desperately lonely and had developed a fear of being by herself. She was unable to see that things needed doing around her so she wouldnt let carers over the doorstep.

No you are not being selfish in wanting to go on holiday. Its important that you take time for yourself.

I must say, though, that the problems with mum did not improve until she moved into a care home where there was always someone around to talk to and she didnt have to worry about any of the household tasks that needed doing.