Hello, sadly we had to move mum into a care home in December but as expected she has not settled there. Each time I visit she wants to come home with me and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the emotions around this. We tend to visit before mealtimes and leave when the meal is served hoping that this will distract mum but she is desperate to leave with us. Has anyone experienced anything similar and if so, do you have any tips on how to cope please.
Care home help
- Thread starter Julie59
- Start date
You are already doing the right thing by leaving when lunch is being served @Julie59 . I would suggest though that you do not say that you are going home, just leave without saying anything. If she does persist, use words similar to those suggested by @Jessbow, or something like, when the weather is better, the heating has broken down etc. It is hard, but keep telling yourself that your mum is in the best place for her well being.
Sadly visiting care homes I see this happen regularly, it can be heartbreaking to watch at the time, but that said quite often people do calm down, most of the time quite quickly and the staff are used to dealing with it when it happens, be surprised what the offer of a cup of tea and a biscuit can do to cheer you up. K
Often “home” is a term which means “a place from the past where I felt safe and not confused”. So even taking folks back to the last place they lived, wouldn’t be guaranteed to make them more content.
Delaying phrases as suggested above, work for most.
Delaying phrases as suggested above, work for most.
It could also be that your mum is experiencing a lot of anxiety. When you visit, she feels less anxious so obviously doesn't want you to leave or wishes to go with you.
Maybe speak to her GP? Some meds can have a calming effect without turning someone into a zombie.
It's also a good plan to deflect 'blame' - you don't want her blaming you for having to stay in the care home so make sure she knows it's not up to you. Keep repeating, 'The doctor says...' etc, and maybe imply she can go home when she's better. If that's not going to work you can always use delaying tactics, 'The boiler broke at your home and there's been a flood. We're getting it sorted out but there's a lot of mess and no power on at the moment...' That sort of thing. Just make sure she knows you're on her side and are trying to get her home.
Subterfuge. Distraction. Outright lies if it helps.
Maybe speak to her GP? Some meds can have a calming effect without turning someone into a zombie.
It's also a good plan to deflect 'blame' - you don't want her blaming you for having to stay in the care home so make sure she knows it's not up to you. Keep repeating, 'The doctor says...' etc, and maybe imply she can go home when she's better. If that's not going to work you can always use delaying tactics, 'The boiler broke at your home and there's been a flood. We're getting it sorted out but there's a lot of mess and no power on at the moment...' That sort of thing. Just make sure she knows you're on her side and are trying to get her home.
Subterfuge. Distraction. Outright lies if it helps.
Sorry to hear your Mum has not settled, my wife has been in her care home for now for 13 months with no problems like yours, when i leave from visiting her now, she sometimes asks am i come back later ,my usual reply is yes but i have meeting to go to and it may take a while and she seems happy with that, very difficult for you i think sometime you just have to try different stories to pacify them good luck .
Hi, My Mum was taken to a Care Home to recover from a hip fracture, and because she has mixed Dementia, and can no longer cope, or be deemed safe at home. We are having the same heart wrenching issues, of everytime we visit, she wants to come home, and says she will be home soon. Our situation is complicated further, as she used to be my brothers main Carer, and is no longer capable to be, but thinks she is. ( My brother has Downs Syndrome.). My brother believes her, when she says she is coming home, which causes more distress all round. She insists on walking us to the door, when we leave, so the staff have to be there. They tried offering her a nicer room, but she declined three times and as she maintained she wouldn't be staying long. We are waiting for her assessment, but dread the day reality hits for her. I have no clever suggestions at the moment, as we are winging it at the moment. Dementia is So Very Cruel.
Thinking of you. You are not alone.
My mum has just been accepted into a care home. She went for a taster day and she was very difficult for the staff to the point that they weren’t sure if they could take her. Thankfully I spoke about this to our elderly mental health nurse who prescribed a very low dose of lorazepam to help with her anxiety and fear. On her next visit she was calm and happy. Her lovely personality traits could be seen by the staff and the residents. I feel so sad that I didn’t know about this drug for the last 6 years when her daily agitation could have been cured so easily. I know some people are very against tranquilisers because they are seen as subduing people to make life easier for themselves. I probably would at one time been in agreement with that opinion. Now, however, I realise that whatever it takes to get rid of fear, anxiety and agitation is actually kinder and more humane to the person suffering any form of dementia. Their quality of life I think should be dictated by how peaceful they feel rather than our concept of the freedom to express their personality without interference. My mum has now been accepted into a lovely home. However I am fretting over how we actually initially leave her there. I was thinking that perhaps if she is left for a week or two without seeing me or my father, she might have to adjust, as harsh as that sounds, and then may accept our visits without associating us with her former home. I would be grateful for any feedback on this please. We are in the dark as sadly there’s no manual to guide us.
It’s usually recommended that family and friends don’t visit or phone for a few weeks. Visits in the very early days can be unsettling, as the person with dementia can easily slip into thinking that they’re being collected to go home. That causes distress when relatives leave without them. A few weeks concentrating on the new care team and surroundings, helps the person reorientate and get used to relying on these new people.
It seems very harsh on first glance, but I know that my Mum has no concept of the passing of time. She could be in her easy chair for five minutes, three hours or a week - she wouldn’t know the difference.
My word you have your work cut out both physically and emotionally, I am worn out just trying to support mum. My heart and wished to you. Yes it is a very cruel disease bring on the day they find a cure. God bless you and your family x
You can get a power of attorney over her health. My mom has dementia and my husband has power of attorney over her since I didn’t want to have to make the difficult decisions. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers and none of them want anything to do with her care and just want to throw her into a home .
Eventually they have to adjust. As do we and they actually adjust sooner than we do - or I do. I'll just speak for me.
I went every day for the first 4 days and then tried leaving for a week without communication or anything. I would call the home and ask how she was. Then when I started back, we were at square 1.
I think they do tell you to leave so that they get used to the "new" routine. Ma always associates me with home. No-one else really visits her so I'm still at the guilty, what have I done stage. Every visit she wants to come home but now I say, I'll come back later and she pouts and throws a tantrum and then I leave distressed, and she forgets and gets back to her routine.
Then get your info from the staff. How she's doing and socializing. And be prepared for her to want to come home for a bit. It took Ma maybe 8 weeks and then she wanted to go home - to Italy. She's forgotten about her home here - just wants to go back to her childhood home.
Best of luck to you. It's so hard. So hard. But you've got a ton of support on this forum.
Having read here about not visiting for a week or more we were surprised when the Manageress of The Banjoman’s care home said “That’s not necessary, you can come whenever you want.” As his family had to return to France a.s.a.p., having been visiting and then helping get him into residential care, they were able to go in and say “Goodbye” the day after he moved in. I went in to see him and take some clothes in a day or so later and just carried on visiting at least once a week for the rest of the time he was there.
Oh my gosh. I have a very similar situation. My brother has autism and learning difficulties. Mum still thinks she is his main carer and she hasn't been for several years. I am at the stage of visiting care homes and am finding it very difficult. As you say, you are not alone. 🩷
I went through this every time I visited my wife. After about a year I adopted the tactic of telling her that she just came in to go to the toilet and then leaving whilst she was in there. I also only timed the visit to leave at lunch time. It doesn't make you feel any better leaving and "sneaking out" is horrible but I think it is less distressing for the person staying. My wife is only 71 so I expect that she will be in the home for some time yet. The whole think is just difficult but you are doing the best that you can for your mum and you have to remember that.
Hello,
I am following this conversation as I have been told my husband (73) will be going into a care home as her needs now 24 hr care. I will be offered 2 possible care homes that respond to his needs - psychological (medication has now sorted out agitation & aggression - he is in an NHS psychiatric hospital for the moment) and physical (assistance with dressing, pers care etc) but not at the same time, for his care. I am really concerned about how to choose the right one for him. Any advice on this? I visited a few and find it difficult to dissociate what care they can offer and the way the different homes present.
Thank you.
I am following this conversation as I have been told my husband (73) will be going into a care home as her needs now 24 hr care. I will be offered 2 possible care homes that respond to his needs - psychological (medication has now sorted out agitation & aggression - he is in an NHS psychiatric hospital for the moment) and physical (assistance with dressing, pers care etc) but not at the same time, for his care. I am really concerned about how to choose the right one for him. Any advice on this? I visited a few and find it difficult to dissociate what care they can offer and the way the different homes present.
Thank you.
