At my wits end

[FrustratedFrog]

Hello, I’m new to this forum and came across it because I need someone to speak to and I have no one who understands anything I’m going through.
I am the sole carer for my dad. I live with him and my bf. He has carers 4x a day but they still ask me questions all the time as if he’s not there and he still has capacity which I’ve complained about. I also work full time from home which doesn’t help.
I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind and I’m finding I snap at my dad more and more but at times I feel he is taking advantage of me. For example if my dad knows I’m downstairs he will call my name numerous times for basic takes which he can do like take his plate into the kitchen but when I’m upstairs I hear him get about just fine in between the carer visits. He has this thing also when I’m there that he “can’t walk” and granted he does really struggle to walk since being in hospital as they kept him bed bound for nearly 2 months but I’ve watched him from the corner of a room and if he’s struggling he just takes some time and then starts again but if I’m there all of a sudden he can’t do anything. He also has started calling my partner on his phone when I’m out to ask him for help with things that he can do and has asked him not to tell me.
My dad does struggle with things like communication has decreased and memory so he may forget I said I’m leaving for the day or he forgets where something may be but I’m starting to get angry as I feel he’s sometimes “milking” it. I snapped a few days ago and told him to stop calling my name every 5 minutes and since then he’s been reluctant to ask for help but I wouldn’t dare put him in a care home but I don’t know what to do. He also complains how unstable he is on his feet as he could walk with a stick before he was admitted to the hospital and now he has a frame but whenever I tell him to walk more in the day he just makes excuses. What can I do because I feel if I get any angrier I’ll turn into the hulk. I feel like it’s affecting my relationship also and I want to have kids and I’ve already had issues with stress health wise and I’m only in my late 20’s. I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

[Kevinl]

Calm down and keep posting, vent all you want always someone here to listen. K

 

[Alisongs]

Welcome to the club @FrustratedFrog, there's always someone here for you!
There's lots of information and advice, comments, criticisms, and so many kindred souls. 247 365 here for you. Best wishes

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[My Mum's Daughter]

@FrustratedFrog if you want a family of your own, you need to seriously consider your current living arrangements. You would find working, caring and pregnancy extremely difficult and I very doubt that you'd cope with a baby and Dad.

 

[Alisongs]

@FrustratedFrog if you want a family of your own, you need to seriously consider your current living arrangements. You would find working, caring and pregnancy extremely difficult and I very doubt that you'd cope with a baby and Dad.

@FrustratedFrog, please contact County Social Services, they will advise and support you. A vulnerable adult is their legal responsibility, not yours! Would the Dad you grew up with want you to give up your own independent adult hopes and dreams and a right to your own family life? Take a step back, and then decide the first step you want to take to a family of your own. Would that be eventually moving to a place just for you and your partner?
A lot of dementia victims go into survival mode, expecting their loved one to do instantly what they've just thought of, and that becomes a habit.
And then there's the father-daughter emotional pull, hard for you both to resist. Dad likely objects to having his daughter tell him what to do.
Help find new habits and solutions by enlisting Social Services, the local council advice hub, local charities and the like.
Perhaps he could go to lunch club, afternoon tea, bowls, dancing, exercise, singing, day centre, or other events and activities for the elderly. He might even get transport.
That would get him out and about and walking, and less fixated on your availability. Give him 3 activities to choose one. Present it as a done deal, he's been invited. Get his carers to reinforce it would be polite to accept and give it a go at least 3 times. That might create a new habit. Gradually introduce another one or two activities to go to if he can cope.
Hope this helps all of you achieve at least a measure of independence

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[sdmhred]

Oh bless you….you’re so good to be doing this but it sounds like you need to try to spread your wings a little.

In the present, can you get out more? Perhaps schedule to go out when the carers come? Is it possible for you to work in a local library or cafe for an hour or two to get out of the house?

In the medium term do follow through some of the suggestions offered….day care may well be a good place to start.

Keep posting - we’re here to support

 

[canary]

Hello @FrustratedFrog

This reminds me of something my MIL used to do. She lived on her own and I was never her main carer, but she used to phone me to say that she was having problems, or she was "stuck", or her frame had fallen over, and needed help. If I went over it was obvious that she did not need help and it looked like she had pushed her frame over rather than it had fallen. I also discovered that she did this an awful lot to my sister in law (her main carer). It felt very manipulative and I was very annoyed. I look back now, having been the main carer for mum and now OH and I realise that she didnt want help, what she wanted was someone with her and the things she was asking us to do were just an excuse.

People with dementia reach a stage where they become frightened of being on their own and their memory becomes so poor that they dont know how long they have been on their own - is it 2 minuets? 2 hours? 2 days? are they still around? when will they be back? will they come back? So they do things to reassure themselves that they have not been abandoned - usually this is following their carer around (Shadowing), but sometimes they constantly call out for their carer, or phone people up.

Im wondering whether this is what your dad is doing.
Even if its not, the fact that you are becoming more frustrated and short tempered with him means that you are struggling to meet his needs and he now requires more care than he is currently getting

 

[Coco23]

@FrustratedFrog I completely get how you feel. My dad has been awful for the last 10 days or so with delirium. Mum and I are at our wits end and frankly want him gone. He is vile. I don't give a damn that its the disease, its killing all 3 of us. I could definitely join you in turning into the hulk and am worried I will hurt him. Have a care needs assessment today. No idea when to get him care in as he can be fine one moment and vile the next.it I had the money he would be gone. Mum is 87 and cannot do this, nor can I. So I feel your pain