Agreed to see the doctor again.

[RM3]

Hi. Sorry it’s a long post.
This follows on from a few posts I have done for advice.
I have had concerns for a while, my husband was reluctant to go to the doctors but has now agreed.
I was going to just wait and watch but there have been a few things this past few days that I’m not sure whether to worry or if I’m overthinking things.
A couple of days ago, our washing machine broke (wouldn’t empty) when my husband was using it. Having eventually got the door open somehow, he took the sopping wet clothes out and put them in the sink and the put another load straight in and set it off. Of course they were stuck then in the machine full of water. Keeping in mind my husband has been a mechanical engineer for over 40 years, he had no idea what could be wrong or any attempts to resolve. I knew that it would be the filter blocked (but waited for him to leave for work and then sorted). I had to take 2 plinths off to do this and left them off to sort after work as running late by this time. My husband got home before me and when I got in, he could not work out how to get the two plinths back on. I needed to step in again. This is so not how things would normally be (this would all be his department).
I detail my husbands struggles at work in other posts. Yesterday, he said that he got into a complete muddle with a simple task at work - 3 different pieces of metal had to go into 3 different machines (he got them all the wrong way around and they had to be scrapped). He said that he just had no idea what he was doing with it. He also said that he felt like he’d had a brain freeze for a moment and didn’t know where he was or what he was doing and that it was quite frightening. This is the first time he has said anything like that really.
Last night, he came to me and said the Sky wasn’t working in the bedroom and could I come and help him unplug it and plug if back in again (the plug is hard to get to). Of course I said yes and just said we don’t need to unplug at the wall, just unplug the power lead on the box. All fixed then but a concern that he couldn’t figure that out?
Last point was tonight, I asked him to carve a whole chicken up I’d brought in.
He struggled and made such a mess and said I can’t do it because it’s just all bone - he had done it upside down. I know these are little things but he seems to be struggling more and more with (non complex) tasks.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just concerned about fairly normal changes in some people (he is only 59 though), even reading this back, the examples sound a bit silly? Thank you for reading x

 

[Fugs]

Hi @RM3 , the examples you give don't sound silly, they are unfortunately very familiar for carers. My wife would plug the lead of an extension cable into the extension cable plug socket and then claim that the item wasn't working. With dementia even seemingly simple tasks can be beyond them. I find that I am on the journey with my wife, picking up the tasks she can no longer do.

 

[RM3]

Hi @RM3 , the examples you give don't sound silly, they are unfortunately very familiar for carers. My wife would plug the lead of an extension cable into the extension cable plug socket and then claim that the item wasn't working. With dementia even seemingly simple tasks can be beyond them. I find that I am on the journey with my wife, picking up the tasks she can no longer do.

Hello @Fugs. Thank you for reading and replying. It’s so comforting to be understood. The example that you gave, would sadly now be something I could definitely see that my husband would do. Lots of small struggles are coming to light and they are changing our day to day life. My husband has always been the main bread winner (although I’ve always worked) and could turn his hand to many things around the house. It feels as though it is slipping away little by little. As you say, we then have to fill these gaps. I wish things could just be how they were 3 or 4 years ago. I just hope that there is another explanation for these struggles.
I am going to contact the doctors tomorrow for an appointment. I just hope he still agrees to it when it comes around. Thank you again for responding. X

 

[Violet Jane]

I agree with @Fugs. I don't think that you're worrying about nothing. Your husband is losing skills and I don't think that these changes are age-related. He's only 59. Short term memory loss is only one symptom of dementia and some people don't have this until later on in their illness. The inability to problem solve at a basic level is, in my opinion, a red flag.

I had noticed odd things about my mother for a few years before her diagnosis but didn't connect them with possible dementia. Of course, in some cases there will be another cause for worrying changes but my feeling is that if a person close to someone exhibiting worrying changes suspects dementia then it usually is. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

 

[RM3]

I agree with @Fugs. I don't think that you're worrying about nothing. Your husband is losing skills and I don't think that these changes are age-related. He's only 59. Short term memory loss is only one symptom of dementia and some people don't have this until later on in their illness. The inability to problem solve at a basic level is, in my opinion, a red flag.

I had noticed odd things about my mother for a few years before her diagnosis but didn't connect them with possible dementia. Of course, in some cases there will be another cause for worrying changes but my feeling is that if a person close to someone exhibiting worrying changes suspects dementia then it usually is. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Hello @Violet Jane. Thank you also for reading and replying. I do agree about the gut feelings of someone close to the person. I know that I am dragging my heals on this. There are also so many days where there are not many noticeable things and they hold me back then.
I feel some days as though I am already taking control of so many situations and compensating, sometimes without noticing. I try not to mention to my husband that he would usually have been able to do this and that.
Thank you again, I know that you all genuinely understand the difficulties and I appreciate talking things through. X

 

[maggie6445]

@RM3 , I'm sorry but I also think you are right to be concerned.
I first noticed something wasn't right with my OH just before lockdown . He always picked me up from work and he started not to remember to come for me . It was very quick. He was arriving on time one week and the next he was forgetting,never to be able to tell the time properly again! He had lost the concept of time.

During lockdown. I bought some paint to decorate and I quickly realised he couldn't remember how to!. I rang his GP and said I was concerned. His GP rang him and asked him some questions,a mini test, and I was surprised at what he couldn't do. Months of the year back wards and count back from 20.

He was referred to the memory clinic and 9 months later was diagnosed.

I know how trivial some things seemed at first but this disease ,sadly starts like that for most people. And because we don't want it to be this illness we try to normalise it.

I hope your husband will see the doctor . Avoiding the doctor will not change the outcome.

I wish you both all the best and if turns out to be treatable then the sooner it's started the better.

 

[RM3]

@RM3 , I'm sorry but I also think you are right to be concerned.
I first noticed something wasn't right with my OH just before lockdown . He always picked me up from work and he started not to remember to come for me . It was very quick. He was arriving on time one week and the next he was forgetting,never to be able to tell the time properly again! He had lost the concept of time.

During lockdown. I bought some paint to decorate and I quickly realised he couldn't remember how to!. I rang his GP and said I was concerned. His GP rang him and asked him some questions,a mini test, and I was surprised at what he couldn't do. Months of the year back wards and count back from 20.

He was referred to the memory clinic and 9 months later was diagnosed.

I know how trivial some things seemed at first but this disease ,sadly starts like that for most people. And because we don't want it to be this illness we try to normalise it.

I hope your husband will see the doctor . Avoiding the doctor will not change the outcome.

I wish you both all the best and if turns out to be treatable then the sooner it's started the better.

Hello @maggie6445. Thank you for reading and commenting. That was such a sudden change for you wasn’t it. A lot of the earlier symptoms seem to vary more than the later ones, I suppose this makes it harder to compare and to be sure about.
I think I’ve mentioned before that during the pandemic, I did care work and this was mainly caring for people living with dementia. This was at advanced stages, so I have no personal experience of the somewhat subtle early stages.
I do think that this week has felt a little more apparent- as there have been a few different things close together and the simplicity of the tasks that he has struggled with, has been what has really stood out. I am going to put a GP appointment request in this morning. I feel as though he will see it through this time as he seems to have been aware of a couple of things this week himself.
Thank you once again for taking the time to reply and share your experience with me. Take care x

 

[Jess2023]

Hi. Sorry it’s a long post.
This follows on from a few posts I have done for advice.
I have had concerns for a while, my husband was reluctant to go to the doctors but has now agreed.
I was going to just wait and watch but there have been a few things this past few days that I’m not sure whether to worry or if I’m overthinking things.
A couple of days ago, our washing machine broke (wouldn’t empty) when my husband was using it. Having eventually got the door open somehow, he took the sopping wet clothes out and put them in the sink and the put another load straight in and set it off. Of course they were stuck then in the machine full of water. Keeping in mind my husband has been a mechanical engineer for over 40 years, he had no idea what could be wrong or any attempts to resolve. I knew that it would be the filter blocked (but waited for him to leave for work and then sorted). I had to take 2 plinths off to do this and left them off to sort after work as running late by this time. My husband got home before me and when I got in, he could not work out how to get the two plinths back on. I needed to step in again. This is so not how things would normally be (this would all be his department).
I detail my husbands struggles at work in other posts. Yesterday, he said that he got into a complete muddle with a simple task at work - 3 different pieces of metal had to go into 3 different machines (he got them all the wrong way around and they had to be scrapped). He said that he just had no idea what he was doing with it. He also said that he felt like he’d had a brain freeze for a moment and didn’t know where he was or what he was doing and that it was quite frightening. This is the first time he has said anything like that really.
Last night, he came to me and said the Sky wasn’t working in the bedroom and could I come and help him unplug it and plug if back in again (the plug is hard to get to). Of course I said yes and just said we don’t need to unplug at the wall, just unplug the power lead on the box. All fixed then but a concern that he couldn’t figure that out?
Last point was tonight, I asked him to carve a whole chicken up I’d brought in.
He struggled and made such a mess and said I can’t do it because it’s just all bone - he had done it upside down. I know these are little things but he seems to be struggling more and more with (non complex) tasks.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just concerned about fairly normal changes in some people (he is only 59 though), even reading this back, the examples sound a bit silly? Thank you for reading x

Hello @RM3 i remember reading your last posts and replying , sorry to hear your concerns are ongoing, like others say it’s not at all normal for someone of his age to experience such difficulties you also talk of an accumulation of situations that cannot be explained so really it’s only the professionals who can help now. I hope you can get him to the Gp as soon as possible as time is passing for you with these worries building up, I reminded my husband that it was a question of “ruling things out” by getting him a full health check - knowing it was highly likely the Gp would refer him on. It’s a terribly painful time for us to see our loved ones at this point but observing is pointless now he needs appropriate intervention. You could even ask for an emergency appointment at your GP. Sending lots of strength to you and take care.

 

[RM3]

Hello @RM3 i remember reading your last posts and replying , sorry to hear your concerns are ongoing, like others say it’s not at all normal for someone of his age to experience such difficulties you also talk of an accumulation of situations that cannot be explained so really it’s only the professionals who can help now. I hope you can get him to the Gp as soon as possible as time is passing for you with these worries building up, I reminded my husband that it was a question of “ruling things out” by getting him a full health check - knowing it was highly likely the Gp would refer him on. It’s a terribly painful time for us to see our loved ones at this point but observing is pointless now he needs appropriate intervention. You could even ask for an emergency appointment at your GP. Sending lots of strength to you and take care.

Hello @Jess2023. Thank you for your continued support. It is very hard to see these changes in our loved ones. I think that I have procrastinated just as much as my husband has shown reluctance. As soon as 8am comes around, I am going to contact the GP. I think that it would be a good idea to try and get an appointment asap (whilst all willing). I also think that I will keep him in favour of the appointment with the ‘ruling things out’ approach that you have suggested.
Many thanks again and take care x

 

[RM3]

Good Evening. Well I got lucky and managed to book an appointment for 8.30am tomorrow. My husband was ‘no don’t want to go and too short a notice for work’ (which I understood). He really did want me to cancel it but I was a bit pushy and said that I really think it is important just to rule anything out.
Unfortunately, it was too short a notice to send in a letter of concerns first. My husband will not want me to go over the top with things but we will try and make the most of the appointment. Thank you all x

 

[RM3]

Good Evening. Well I got lucky and managed to book an appointment for 8.30am tomorrow. My husband was ‘no don’t want to go and too short a notice for work’ (which I understood). He really did want me to cancel it but I was a bit pushy and said that I really think it is important just to rule anything out.
Unfortunately, it was too short a notice to send in a letter of concerns first. My husband will not want me to go over the top with things but we will try and make the most of the appointment. Thank you all x

Just to update on the GP appointment this morning.
It was very productive (to say I couldn’t do any bullet point concerns etc first).
Really nice doctor and my husband spoke very openly about his struggles, especially at work.
The doctor did a 6 point test. My husband stated the year as 2014 (just a mistake I suppose) but could not remember the street given (did remember persons name) and missed a couple of numbers counting back from 20.
She has referred him for some blood tests next week. We are then going back on the 10th of May to see her. If bloods ok, she said that she will be referring for a CT scan and likely to the memory clinic.
She also said that she will send my husband a text to show if needed at work. It will say that he is aware he is having some difficulties and is having some investigations with the doctors and asking them to be a little forgiving of him in the meantime. I thought this was good and my husband seemed to think this was good to have.
At least whether there is anything or not, he is in the system now and being checked. Thank you again for your support through this wonderful forum x

 

[Sarasa]

I'm so glad you managed to get your husband to the GP and that things are underway to discover what the problem is. In the meantime the note for his work is good, I just hope he shows it to them.
In the meantime I'd keep a note of anything that concerns you so that when you next have an appointment you have a bullet pointed list of things that are out of the ordinary for your husband.

 

[RM3]

I'm so glad you managed to get your husband to the GP and that things are underway to discover what the problem is. In the meantime the note for his work is good, I just hope he shows it to them.
In the meantime I'd keep a note of anything that concerns you so that when you next have an appointment you have a bullet pointed list of things that are out of the ordinary for your husband.

Hello @Sarasa. That’s you for your message. Yes I’m relieved to have been and I definitely feel as though my husband managed to explain his struggles quite well and that the doctor really understood the difficulties and changes that he is experiencing. I shall keep a bit of anything that comes up in the meantime that is of concern - thank you. X

 

[RM3]

I have checked his note and it is a ‘fit for work note’ (my husband has never had a sick note or been off work before, so I think the prospect of using this is quite uncomfortable for him. It says that he is fee for work - with adjustments. It says that he is under the doctor for investigations with memory problems. It says that if work are unable to make adjustments if needed, that it will become an unfit for work note.
My husband said that he will keep it for himself for now but knows that he has it if and when he makes any major mistakes and is in hot water at work (quite likely to happen with the run he has had). It is good to know that he has that if needed x

 

[Violet Jane]

I'm glad that you have got the ball rolling. There is another type of scan (not an MRI) that someone said had identified the dementia in her husband after other scans had not found anything worrying.

Regarding the note, whilst the doctor is trying to be helpful the note won't protect your husband's job long term. If a person has a disability then the employer must make reasonable adjustments but doesn't have to completely redesign the job or create another job. I don't know what reasonable adjustments would be for a technical job where the person in question has dementia. Perhaps you could ask your husband what practical things would make the job easier.

 

[RM3]

I'm glad that you have got the ball rolling. There is another type of scan (not an MRI) that someone said had identified the dementia in her husband after other scans had not found anything worrying.

Regarding the note, whilst the doctor is trying to be helpful the note won't protect your husband's job long term. If a person has a disability then the employer must make reasonable adjustments but doesn't have to completely redesign the job or create another job. I don't know what reasonable adjustments would be for a technical job where the person in question has dementia. Perhaps you could ask your husband what practical things would make the job easier.

Hi @Violet Jane. You’re right and we have both said that every week at work is a bonus. He would very much like to continue working for as long as possible but I do think that he accepts that when it’s enough, it’s enough. He has said that his main struggles are measuring, working with numbers and a job with steps in it, such as the one a few days ago, where he had 3 envelopes with 3 different machined small pieces in and they each had to go in a specific machine. He got them all mixed up and was just so relieved that the guy who usually gets quite cross with him, was really nice about it. I will be surprised if he can hold his job down much longer.
If it gets to the point that he is unable to carry on, I am hopeful that he will be able to get some kind of sick pay, in order to draw less pension each month and stretch it out more (as this would be about 5 years earlier than his planned retirement). The plan would be for me to carry on working then.
At least I have been able to talk a bit more openly with him. He was a bit cross last night about the doctors and didn’t want me to say this and that but I didn’t really need to because he talked about a lot of his difficulties.
Thank you again and I hope all is well with you. X

 

[RM3]

.

 

[RM3]

Hi everyone. Our diabetic dog was hospitalised on Tuesday night, unwell with a DKA (second time in 7 months). He is still there now. They are not sure why his diabetes is not managed.
To be sure that they don’t overcompensate with new insulin doses and send him into a hypo (as happened 7 months ago, DKA followed by dose increase and then a hypo 2 weeks later). I felt last night that I should confidentially mention to the vet that my husband does all his injections, morning and night and could potentially have missed some (an incident a couple of months ago highlighted this possibility to me).
I mentioned this to my husband in a nice way last night and that I should take over. He could not see why this would be needed and was adamant that he administers all doses correctly.
I have just carefully (but risky), had a check as best I can in the current sharps bin. That I saw, there was one needle with insulin in it and one that was unused with both caps still on. I think it is likely that he is missing doses.
It’s hard when we know nothing yet - I can’t assume that there is anything more than mild cognitive issues.
Our dog (number one thing), can not be made unwell at our hands and the damage to our bank account also can not continue.
I will have to in the best way possible take responsibility for administering his insulin. Just getting this off my chest. Thank you x

 

[RM3]

Feeling quite frustrated today and a bit cross (not really like me).
I’m really feeling the changes in my husband (all be them barely noticeable I’m sure to most other people - apart from me and I’m 100% sure his colleagues at work). His colleagues have only known him for 6 months, so know no different but I imagine they must think the person, doesn’t seem to match up to the impressive CV. I think it’s because we don’t even know if there is anything the matter (therefore a reason to excuse things).
My husband just seems so less aware of me and my day and all the jobs and responsibilities that I have in comparison to him. The things that seem most important to him, are how his day at work has gone and the latest series he has found Thank goodness weened off just watching endless YouTube videos now - he was watching them so obsessively, that they were almost brainwashing him.
It’s so silly but I think today, I’m most frustrated and sad (I think) over Cereal!
My husband likes his cereal and told me yesterday that he had run out (he would usually not even mention and just have gone to get some). I wonder if I hadn’t have squeezed in a quick shop after work today, whether he would have got any and when. To come home to him in from work and laid on the sofa watching his new series. He’s content, so I wouldn’t let him know how I feel but if I knew 100% that there was nothing wrong, I would be having words - WHAT HAS CHANGED? I will hate myself for this message tomorrow but thankfully - this is anonymous.
I should say - I’m not saying he’s lazy, he’s always been more on the OCD side of being active and busy and pottering. In some ways, it’s nice that he is more laid back but I feel responsible for so much more quite suddenly and I don’t feel much physical or emotional support.
Well I’ve not deleted this message (yet ha) but really needed a bit of a rant. Thank you x

 

[Banjomansmate]

Rant away! There is obviously something going wrong somewhere !