Advice on groups please

[SarahJC]

Hi, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on groups as I am struggling finding a suitable group for me and my mum who is 86.
I went along with my mother to a group which was very friendly and welcoming but I realised my mum just couldn’t join in and sat there and after said she didn’t want to go back. I am finding that groups we have tried, the people are younger and can hold a conversation/chat away and that’s not how my mum is now but I feel she needs something. For older people, struggling more with communication, and needing more time or support/or to do some activity. Does anyone experience any such group or is it an unrealistic expectation? Thanks

 

[Sue741215]

I understand how you feel as my husband does not really engage when we go to the carer's group in fact he goes off or a walk as soon as he has had a cup of tea and cake. The only things my husband enjoys are going to cafe for meal or drink, telling a joke to anyone who will listen, going in the car, the weekly shop and visiting relatives though he doesn't really engage at the latter. You see others eg the dementia choir getting a lot out of joining with others and read about how good joining in is for them particularly with music but my husband does not remember songs and therefore isn't interested. My mum also only reluctantly joined in with activities when she was in a care home. I think everyone is different and you have to do what suits you and your mum - if you get something from the group then try to continue as I think familiarity helps so your mum may get used to it. Maybe try going for half an hour at first. If it doesn't benefit either of you then just accept it and do other things but if it helps you I would persevere trying everything that is available.

That is my experience - others may have more useful suggestions for you.

 

[SarahJC]

Hi, thanks for sharing your experience and helpful to read and maybe just need to accept things as they are. Will try to find something as to give us a purpose to the day and was hoping would give my mum something to focus on. She also seems happy just going out for coffee, pushed in the wheelchair, although forgotten quite quickly now, so difficult to manage!

 

[Cking]

Hi, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on groups as I am struggling finding a suitable group for me and my mum who is 86.
I went along with my mother to a group which was very friendly and welcoming but I realised my mum just couldn’t join in and sat there and after said she didn’t want to go back. I am finding that groups we have tried, the people are younger and can hold a conversation/chat away and that’s not how my mum is now but I feel she needs something. For older people, struggling more with communication, and needing more time or support/or to do some activity. Does anyone experience any such group or is it an unrealistic expectation? Thanks

Honestly the only place is a aftercare home where your mum can intervene with other patients that has Dementia live there and spend her days with folks her age it’s so hard we tried to find a place for mom but they are anywhere from 5 to 6 Thousand a month it’s honestly impossible to afford that what do people do in a case like that most I have spoken to has sold their homes and when the mo ey runs out I do t know

 

[SarahJC]

Thank you Cking for your post. I think this is why I am wracking by brains to find something because I read posts about what a care home will provide and the person less isolated to be with people of her age. My mum isn’t isolated though because we take turns living with her. It’s just some days I feel I need something to lift me, as in a group we could do together, as i know my mum picks up on things quickly.

 

[lollyc]

Hi @SarahJC - my experience was pre-covid, and the social care / charity sector has changed since then, so my advice may not be valid.
I trawled the internet for every possible group that Mum could attend. It took 18 months, and several false starts, but eventually she attended groups run by MIND, AgeUK, an over 60's lunch club that could cope with some dementia, a church run singing group and a gardening based group that also did cooking and crafts. Our local council had an "old age services" page which listed many of these (lots were also very out of date, which was frustrating). A local museum did remembrance sessions. For a while she went to an over 55's exercise class, with chair based movements for those too frail to stand. Mum loved animals and I took her to our local wildlife hospital and a goat centre - during the week in term time we were very often the only visitors, staff were happy to chat, and it was calm and quiet. I found that once you attend one group you tend to network and other carers suggest things you can try.
We had lots of failures: Mum hated the day centre - jigsaws and bingo: neither of us enjoyed the Alzheimers Society group, as many people were at a very advanced stage of the disease: She didn't enjoy the big charity singing groups, but enjoyed the one run by the church.

 

[Agzy]

We attend several groups and quite diverse ranging from Chatty cafe meets where carers tend to do the chatting and car for don’t really get involved. One we attend is brilliant and carers and cared for all take part as it is structured culminating in sort of simple. Craft work sessions but all great fun and as name badges worn conversations made easier as is the fact that a maximum of 6 couples at a time. Others we go to have a musical content either via an entertainer or singalong to live musicians and songbooks. Took ages and a lot of trial and error but ‘we’ both now enjoy them. Good luck

 

[pobbie1959]

Hi, I just wondered if anyone has any advice on groups as I am struggling finding a suitable group for me and my mum who is 86.
I went along with my mother to a group which was very friendly and welcoming but I realised my mum just couldn’t join in and sat there and after said she didn’t want to go back. I am finding that groups we have tried, the people are younger and can hold a conversation/chat away and that’s not how my mum is now but I feel she needs something. For older people, struggling more with communication, and needing more time or support/or to do some activity. Does anyone experience any such group or is it an unrealistic expectation? Thanks

Hi Have you looked at day care that isn't just for dementia, my husband went to one for people who have had a stroke (he hadn't had one) and they were amazing with him, when he got too bad to go on his own (he kept trying to escape) they let him go with a carer, the best thing I ever did finding that place

 

[SarahJC]

Hi @SarahJC - my experience was pre-covid, and the social care / charity sector has changed since then, so my advice may not be valid.
I trawled the internet for every possible group that Mum could attend. It took 18 months, and several false starts, but eventually she attended groups run by MIND, AgeUK, an over 60's lunch club that could cope with some dementia, a church run singing group and a gardening based group that also did cooking and crafts. Our local council had an "old age services" page which listed many of these (lots were also very out of date, which was frustrating). A local museum did remembrance sessions. For a while she went to an over 55's exercise class, with chair based movements for those too frail to stand. Mum loved animals and I took her to our local wildlife hospital and a goat centre - during the week in term time we were very often the only visitors, staff were happy to chat, and it was calm and quiet. I found that once you attend one group you tend to network and other carers suggest things you can try.
We had lots of failures: Mum hated the day centre - jigsaws and bingo: neither of us enjoyed the Alzheimers Society group, as many people were at a very advanced stage of the disease: She didn't enjoy the big charity singing groups, but enjoyed the one run by the church.

Hi Lollyc, thanks for your reply and other avenues to try which I hadn’t thought about so will have a look at what our area provides maybe not specific to dementia- my mum love animals so will also look at this. I will persevere, there must be something around. I find when we are out I am grateful for someone to have a chat with her to feel included.

 

[SarahJC]

We attend several groups and quite diverse ranging from Chatty cafe meets where carers tend to do the chatting and car for don’t really get involved. One we attend is brilliant and carers and cared for all take part as it is structured culminating in sort of simple. Craft work sessions but all great fun and as name badges worn conversations made easier as is the fact that a maximum of 6 couples at a time. Others we go to have a musical content either via an entertainer or singalong to live musicians and songbooks. Took ages and a lot of trial and error but ‘we’ both now enjoy them. Good luck

Hi, sounds great to find something to suit both of you, I hope to find something. I do read your diary blog and sounds like your wife enjoy her clubs which is great and also gives a bit of structure to the week, thanks

 

[SarahJC]

Hi Have you looked at day care that isn't just for dementia, my husband went to one for people who have had a stroke (he hadn't had one) and they were amazing with him, when he got too bad to go on his own (he kept trying to escape) they let him go with a carer, the best thing I ever did finding that place

Hi, yes I have thought about a day centre but was surprised how much it costs around £80 per day. I have put this on the back burner for time being as have recently arranged a carer to come in for 1.30 hours so I can work/care for my mum on occasional week both clash. That’s not cheap either! But peace of mind and again some stimulation.

 

[sdmhred]

I was wondering about day care in a care home - but I guess that is extravagantly expensive too 🙈🙈

 

[Newbie 3]

Hi SarahJC do you have a Hospice local to you? My Mother attends our Hospice one afternoon per week, the referral was via our Admiral Nurse but can be via the GP. Mum's small group, about six or seven people, with additional nurses and volunteers play bingo (of a fashion but more just for fun) and have a chat/drink/ biscuit. Mother now will even go early to visit the onsite Restaurant / Cafe for a drink or something to eat, she really enjoys going to mix with people, feeling both comfortable and safe with them.

 

[SarahJC]

I was wondering about day care in a care home - but I guess that is extravagantly expensive too 🙈🙈

Thanks sdmhred, I will in time definitely as my mum does get attendance allowance but am keen to find a group for a couple of hours but am beginning to realise this may take time finding something suitable 🙂

 

[SarahJC]

Hi SarahJC do you have a Hospice local to you? My Mother attends our Hospice one afternoon per week, the referral was via our Admiral Nurse but can be via the GP. Mum's small group, about six or seven people, with additional nurses and volunteers play bingo (of a fashion but more just for fun) and have a chat/drink/ biscuit. Mother now will even go early to visit the onsite Restaurant / Cafe for a drink or something to eat, she really enjoys going to mix with people, feeling both comfortable and safe with them.

Hi Newbie3, we do have a hospice nearby, wouldn’t have thought about this, glad your mum is enjoying her group, sounds perfect. I have realised that I need to look to alternative places which from suggestions given has given me a fresh start to persevere, thanks

 

[SherwoodSue]

I am sorry to hear you have not been able to access attendance allowance. Could you reapply with help from age UK or similar. Try to describe challenges on the worst day
I do feel you should have this and that it would help?

 

[SarahJC]

I am sorry to hear you have not been able to access attendance allowance. Could you reapply with help from age UK or similar. Try to describe challenges on the worst day
I do feel you should have this and that it would help?

We do have attendance allowance which really helps, probably needs to be reviewed as now we need to stay with her day/night and I think there are different rates. My mother in law had to reapply after a year but we have never had to do this for my mum, not sure what rate we are on.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @SarahJC

Have you tried your local AgeUK My local one used to hold sessions for people with dementia.

Also local church community centres. You do not have to be a churchgoer or a member. I volunteer at a local church who offer music for dementia. It`s a lot of fun.

 

[Dave63]

Hi @SarahJC the Alzheimers.org site has a support page where you can enter your location and it will show any support/activity groups in your area.

Find support near you

Use our dementia directory to find local support services for people with dementia and their carers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[SarahJC]

Hello @SarahJC

Have you tried your local AgeUK My local one used to hold sessions for people with dementia.

Also local church community centres. You do not have to be a churchgoer or a member. I volunteer at a local church who offer music for dementia. It`s a lot of fun.