Advice needed re Mums dementia, her partner and not coping

[zc74]

Thank you for reading, it's a long one! My Mum is 68 and was diagnosed in 2022 with early signs of vascular dementia. She lives with her long term partner of 30 years who is 10 years younger than her. Unfortunately I live 150 miles away and my brother lives 100 miles away from her, both in opposite directions. She has no other close family nearby or any close friends so her partner is her only real support. While she is still fine on a day to day basis, gets up, dressed, cook a bit, cleans etc her memory is appalling and she does appear at times to be getting worse with cognitive ability. She will often go the shop 2-3 times a day for the same two items! She is still driving as has refused to tell the DVLA about the diagnosis, she's aware this is illegal but doesn't think she has a memory problem and I think she never will admit to the dementia.
The biggest issue currently is that her partner has always been very angry with my brother and myself about the amount of input we can have with her support/care. Baring in mind we both work full time, have children of our own who are still school age and live far away. Her partner was initially very aggressive towards us and even told us he wanted to buy her half of the house and basically get her to leave as he couldn't deal with it. He even went as far as getting a mortgage in principle organised without telling my Mum!
He seemed to calm down once I talked through how care homes etc were funded and once he realised he won't lose all his money caring for her. He actually said to me " I don't want to waste all my money on your Mum's care home"😞
Things settled down for a bit but this week has been cross with us as my brother had organised to talk to Mum about stopping driving this weekend, but had to cancel his plans to visit at the last minute. So he's told us he doesn't want to talk to us! My poor Mum has no idea any of this is happening and I feel trapped not knowing what to do for the best. I know he isn't going to be there for her ultimately but she won't leave him and move away nearer to family. I've tried getting support from the local dementia navigator and memory cafe and volunteers, but my Mum refuses to engage with them so she is basically at home all day alone until her partner gets in from work/the pub. I feel absolutely lost as to what to do to either get support for her or to get back on board communicating with her partner. I do appreciate he is struggling but it's not helping anyone if we don't communicate. Not sure if anyone can offer any advice but thank you for reading and I just needed to rant abit too!

 

[DeeCee7]

You rant away @zc74 and I hope it’s helped you feel a little better setting it all down! It must be very frustrating living so far from your Mum. It’s very unfair of your Mum’s partner taking out his angry frustrations on you and your brother. Has he had assessments from SS regarding care for your Mum? He certainly needs carers in to help him, as you and your brother have family commitments and live so far away. It’s a very tricky situation and I am sure others will come along soon with some ideas.
I would suggest you phone the Alzheimers helpline this week and talk over your concerns with their experts.

Support line opening hours:​

• Monday to Wednesday: 9am – 8pm
• Thursday and Friday: 9am – 5pm
• Saturday and Sunday: 10am – 4pm

Dementia Support Line​

0333 150 3456
Our dementia advisers are here for you.

 

[Lucy Hudds]

If he is trying to organise financial commitments with a person with impaired cognition this could be classed as financial abuse. I would speak to your Mum's local adult safeguarding team for some advice. The dementia must also be reported to the DVLA as she could face a £1000 fine and her insurance would be invalid if (heaven forbid) she should have an accident. If she or her partner refuse to report, her GP may report this anyway.

I wish you all the best.

 

[zc74]

Thank you, her partner said he's going to talk to her about taking the car keys but hasn't reported it to the DVLA yet. I think I may try to speak to the GP about this. I have POA jointly with her partner so I'm hoping this helps stop any financial concerns but I'm just so stressed about everything 😞. It's so hard to know what to do for the best.

 

[patman]

Thank you for reading, it's a long one! My Mum is 68 and was diagnosed in 2022 with early signs of vascular dementia. She lives with her long term partner of 30 years who is 10 years younger than her. Unfortunately I live 150 miles away and my brother lives 100 miles away from her, both in opposite directions. She has no other close family nearby or any close friends so her partner is her only real support. While she is still fine on a day to day basis, gets up, dressed, cook a bit, cleans etc her memory is appalling and she does appear at times to be getting worse with cognitive ability. She will often go the shop 2-3 times a day for the same two items! She is still driving as has refused to tell the DVLA about the diagnosis, she's aware this is illegal but doesn't think she has a memory problem and I think she never will admit to the dementia.
The biggest issue currently is that her partner has always been very angry with my brother and myself about the amount of input we can have with her support/care. Baring in mind we both work full time, have children of our own who are still school age and live far away. Her partner was initially very aggressive towards us and even told us he wanted to buy her half of the house and basically get her to leave as he couldn't deal with it. He even went as far as getting a mortgage in principle organised without telling my Mum!
He seemed to calm down once I talked through how care homes etc were funded and once he realised he won't lose all his money caring for her. He actually said to me " I don't want to waste all my money on your Mum's care home"😞
Things settled down for a bit but this week has been cross with us as my brother had organised to talk to Mum about stopping driving this weekend, but had to cancel his plans to visit at the last minute. So he's told us he doesn't want to talk to us! My poor Mum has no idea any of this is happening and I feel trapped not knowing what to do for the best. I know he isn't going to be there for her ultimately but she won't leave him and move away nearer to family. I've tried getting support from the local dementia navigator and memory cafe and volunteers, but my Mum refuses to engage with them so she is basically at home all day alone until her partner gets in from work/the pub. I feel absolutely lost as to what to do to either get support for her or to get back on board communicating with her partner. I do appreciate he is struggling but it's not helping anyone if we don't communicate. Not sure if anyone can offer any advice but thank you for reading and I just needed to rant abit too!

Please don't be afraid to ask for help from other and local organisations who may be able to help with activity clubs, luncheon days or help generally. Money is indeed the root of all evil, and this is a common problem in care when funding comes into play, after all the money is till your mum's, and she deserves the best care possible.