Worried about father getting married

[He-penny-10]

Hi everyone, my father was diagnosed with early onset dementia 4 years ago aged 67. His short term memory has pretty much completely gone now but he is managing reasonably okay, mostly due to lots of interventions by me and having his girlfriend of 10years as a companion. Bit of background on their relationship: they have not officially moved in with each other throughout their relationship and they both own their own homes. she has eating disorders and other health issues which means she’s not able to look after my father. She has continually lied to him and manipulated him in the past. He has not wanted to marry her and when she has put pressure on him in the past and nothing has come of it. She is however a good companion for him. But she’s proved in the past when he gets difficult she can’t cope and puts on me and my family.

Recently she is now insisting they get married. I can’t quite understand it.

I’m stuck with what to do or if I should do anything. I don’t believe my father is of right mind to be able to make this decision and I want him and his wishes to be protected. but he feels he owes it to her. She has been married 4 times before so is familiar with the process.

But I think what I’m struggling with is I know she won’t put him first. Example of this he’s had a broken pair of glasses, which I’ve had to ask her four times to just pop in with him to buy a new pair. They go to the shops daily together, but because it is for him she doesn’t seem to find it important to sort out. How can this be a good person to marry mid Alzheimer’s? Equally is there anything I can do to stop it or protect him or do I have to wait to pick up the pieces at the end?

 

[MartinWL]

This boils down to capacity. If he has the mental capacity to make a decision to marry then there isn't really anything you can do to prevent it going ahead. However if he lacks the capacity for that decision he cannot marry. As one party would be on her fifth marriage I presume this isn't going to be a church wedding but a civil one. To have capacity for the specific decision he must:

-Understand information given to him in relation to marriage, whcih will include any impact on finances, inheritance, care etc - there is a lot to consider, and he has to understand those things at least at overview level
-remember it for long enough to make a decision - could be the issue here
-weigh up the pros and cons of the decision
-communicate the decision

Arguably a decision to marry is a big decision that cannot reasonably be made in 10 minutes so if his memory has "pretty much completely gone" as you put it you may have a case to put to the registrars department at your council that he does not have capacity inder the Mental Capacity Act 2005 and therefore cannot marry. If I were you I would get a letter off to the Superintendent Registrar at your Town Hall explaining that he does not have capacity if he applies. It will help if you can get someone like a social worker or a doctor to back you up by writing a letter of support for your opinion. The danger here is what members of the forum have named "host mode", where he might give a good account of himself to the registrar at a short meeting and convice them that he has mental capacity.

You may be faced with the point that they are in a long term stable relationship but that's not relevant because it is really about the wisdom or otherwise of the decision to marry. Whether getting married is wise or not is a matter for him but only if he has the capacity to decide for himself. So on no account raise with the registrar any of the failings of the proposed bride. He is entitled to marry the world's most wicked woman if he so wishes and has capacity. Focus on making the case that he lacks capacity because he is unable to do the four things that he must do to be able to make the decision himself.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I understand your concerns.

Really, it's all about capacity. And it sounds like he still has capacity if he's saying he thinks he should do it because he owes it to her. That may be a bad decision, a foolish decision or a thoughtless decision, but he's entitled to make those as we all are. The important thing is, it's a reasoned decision. If he wanted to marry her because she looked like an alien princess and they were going to elope to Mars, that might be different.

As for whether you could stop it, I'm not sure! Hopefully someone will be along with better knowledge. I imagine that unless you could prove he no longer has capacity, you couldn't stop it. And how would you do it? Jump out at the crucial moment at the church/registry office?

Some things to consider:
It's pretty likely if they marry she will inherit his house when he dies, as I'm sure she knows from her marital history...

If they marry, would she move in with him? Has she stated any intention to look after him once she's his wife?

When your father deteriorates he will need someone to look after him if she can't/won't. That might mean carers coming in and raises the question of funding. Does anyone have Power of Attorney for your dad? If not, get that sorted ASAP - for you not for her. That way you could keep an eye on his money, though if she adds her name to his account as his wife, you'll have all sorts of problems.
Also, if they are not living together and he has to go into care, his house would have to be sold (unless he has loads in savings) as she has her own place.

Lots to think about. I'd be working very hard on your dad to change his mind. If you can't, why not talk him into getting engaged? Then you;ll have to make sure it's a very long engagement! I do think that keeping this woman at arms length, i.e. as a companion but nothing more would be wise.

 

[MartinWL]

As @Jaded'n'faded says if he is able to make a reasoned decision that points to having capacity. But if his memory is as bad as reported I would doubt that he would be able to remember all the pros and cons of the decision and if he cannot do that he cannot weigh up the pros and cons either. To have capacity he does not merely have to be able to remember one reason for getting married i.e. he owes it to her, but all the various things that he needs to take into account - @Jaded'n'faded has listed several important ones.

 

[allchange]

A genuine factor in getting married (they have been in a relationship for a decade) is pension rights, such as a widows pension from an occupational pension scheme. This is sometimes a perfectly valid factor for the terminally ill tying the knot. Dementia is ultimately a terminal condition (as is life!).

 

[MartinWL]

A genuine factor in getting married (they have been in a relationship for a decade) is pension rights, such as a widows pension from an occupational pension scheme. This is sometimes a perfectly valid factor for the terminally ill tying the knot. Dementia is ultimately a terminal condition (as is life!).

Quite right but your point is about whether or not it is sensible for him to marry. The original poster had already concluded for different reasons that marriage was not in his best interests. When capacity is being determined the wisdom of the decision is not taken into account.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @He-penny-10
I believe that one of the things checked by the registrar is that both parties have capacity to understand what getting married means
if the registrar is satisfied and your father goes ahead, make sure he also makes a new will (always wise when anyone gets married) and arranges for LPAs (if he wishes his partner/wife to be an Attorney suggest that you both are, to act jointly and severally) .... actually it would be wise for him to have an up to date will and LPAs anyway
it may be that although your father says he thinks he should marry his partner, he may not actually do it, just keep saying he should ... my dad was like this with several issues eg said he wanted to move but didn't actually go ahead and do it

Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney

How to make a lasting power of attorney (LPA): starting an application online, choosing an attorney, certifying a copy, changing an LPA.

www.gov.uk

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

A cautionary tale as an illustration:

My boyfriend's father married his lady friend of several years, a few years before his death. They were independently 'comfortable'. She sold her house and moved into his - the cash from the sale went into her bank account. Each had three children from previous relationships, hers are millionaires, my boyfriend is OK for money but his brother and sister are both really poor. As well as writing new wills, they also added another document (I think it was a Deed of Covenant) saying they would not claim from each other's estate, in other words, the intention was when one died, all their money would go to their children, not the spouse. This all seemed fine...

However, the will was challenged when boyfriend's father died. His wife's two money-grabbing sons decided their mother's millions weren't enough and they wanted my boyfriend's father's money too. They challenged the will citing the Inheritance Act 1975 which basically says you must provide for dependants. So although you can (legally) disinherit a spouse in your will, it can be challenged as the Inheritance Act trumps anything you write.

The upshot was that the wife got most of the money from boyfriend's father's estate, even though she'd signed a document to say she wouldn't claim. The legal action came from the evil sons as the wife was unwell and already in a care home. That was at £2,300 per week which was being paid for from the estate and which my boyfriend (as executor) had already offered to pay for till she died. That wasn't enough for the evil sons. There was some negotiation but essentially they won a huge amount. And the absolute irony? The wife died two weeks after the settlement cheque was sent. If she had died 2 weeks earlier, the money would not have gone to her horrible millionaire sons who didn't need it but to my boyfriend and his siblings, as his father had intended and believed he had safely arranged.

Nothing to add to this sorry tale but I hope it serves as a warning to others what can happen. Oh - and the solicitors involved in this debacle earned more than £150G between them.

 

[allchange]

I was just pointing out that there can be genuine reasons for marriage. I have no idea in this case. An interesting recent article on predatory marriages though:

People With Dementia Are Falling Victim To 'Predatory Marriage' Because Of A Loophole In The Law

The government is facing urgent calls to close a loophole in marriage rules to protect vulnerable people and their families from 'predatory marriag...

www.politicshome.com

I had understood that capacity to marry was being reviewed but it looks like previous attempts died a death.

Any new will should either be written after marriage or clearly made in contemplation of marriage otherwise it will be voided by the marriage.

 

[MartinWL]

It is for the registrar to determine capacity to decide to marry. My earlier point was that it is important that the registrar has all the evidence needed, not just an interview with the would be couple. There are advantages to getting that evidence in front of the registrar early.