Why is this so hard for me.

[VonVee]

Where do I start, hmm, ok, 3 weeks ago I found my dad 78, his dead body slumped in a blanket box, and he'd been there left for 3 days, with my very confused mother of 82 not eaten or gone out for 3 days either, all the while with a dead body at the end of her bed, thinking that he'd left her for another women, after 51 years of marriage, it was a shock to say the least, at not just finding my dad, but finding my mother in the state she was, let's just say, my dad hid it well, he did everything for her, not because she was lazy, but because she can't mentally cope, I realise this now after 3 weeks of very hard work, and raw emotion, anger, resentment, and dismay, at what my father has left me with, I've literally stepped into his shoes and taken over where he left off, mum is incapable of doing most every day things we take for granted, so I've been doing all the important decisions and thinking for her, because she can't, we are on the waiting list for our memory clinic appointment, which should be January hopefully, but it can't come quick enough to be honest, mentally and emotionally I am spent, I feel so tired, and I can't rest, my mind is occupied with mum, but to make matters worse, I have a pre- teen, and a 10 year old with special educational needs, and a husband who works late shifts, and along with sleeping I hardly see, and for nearly 4 weeks I've been spending my days with mum, then at 3pm I have to go and pick up my son, then come home and be a mother and wife, and all the worry and stress and aniexy since dad passed, has caught up with me, and it's taken its toll, as mentally I am spent, I have no extra energy, and I feel like my life has been thrown upside down and inside out, and I don't know what to do, I did'nt ask for this, and to be honest I don't necessarily need this stress in my life, but at the same time, there's this genetic pull that keeps pulling me back towards my mum, basically forgetting and neglecting the rest of my family, I am a nice person, and I can't be selfish towards my mother, as my mum is very vulnerable at the moment, and I can't give up on her, but my family need me also, so I feel very much between a rock and a hard place here, and it's not easy.

 

[Izzy]

Goodness how awful. I'm so sorry you and your mother find yourselves in this situation.

Do you have anyone helping or supporting you? Anyone from the social services department?

If you want to talk to anyone about this you could contact the Samaritans. They have an emotional listening service and I'm sure you would find them helpful. This is the link to the contacts page of their website

http://www.samaritans.org/

The phone number is 08457 90 90 90

 

[susy]

Good grief Vonvee!!!! How absolutely terrible for you.

Is there anyway your GP (or your mums) could get an urgent referal to social services! You need to get care visits started for your mum as soon as possible. Have you thought of the possibility of her going into a home? This is probably hitting you like a punch in the gut along with a slap in the face.
I cannot say just how sorry I feel for you right now. There is loads of helpful advice on here. Don't take it all on your shoulders. Tell the GP you cannot cope and you NEED help for your mum who is a vulnerable adult.

Please keep posting, people here will help you.

 

[Pepper&Spice]

Oh VonVee what a time you have had ! Welcome to TP, you will find lots of help, comfort and kindness here, please come and vent or cry whenever you need. You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed many of us feel we cannot cope with what life has thrown at us but we are still here fighting through each day. I am so sorry for your loss and in such dreadful circumstances, no time to mourn your dad properly because of the problems with mum and all the difficulties that "normal" life brings too
Please make an appointment with your doctor and explain the stress you are under, you need help to bear this load and sometimes just getting someone else to share how your feeling can help. Have you tried ringing the carers UK number - they don't mind you crying down the phone ( have done that several times ) and can offer you support and give you info about what help you can get in your area.
Please take care of yourself, I know it all looks very black at the moment and the whole world seems to be resting on your shoulders but if you take it gently and let yourself mourn and take any help you feel you need then slowly it will be more bearable.
Sending you love & lots of hugs P

 

[halojones]

Oh dear VonVee, I am so sorry for your dad passing and your poor mum, the sad circumstances, and yes, your life has been turned upside down, inside out..!!....I think the only solution for your mum is a CH...I would go straight for that option... I would not even try to keep her going at home, it is impossible for you all.., with a young family as well, its way too much for you to have to manage...I live with my mum, and I see it as work, because it is... ...I don't have young ones(except a teenage granddaughter) or a husbasnd, and it is demanding, nerve wracking job.If you get a CH they do all the the hard work, and you can have quality time with your mum, others have posted about how successful a CH has been for them.....Try and get a support worker from the Alz S, or the carers centre, as you are a carer, as they can be really helpful.....It will take a bit of time, but once you get your mum settled, you will be able to take a step back, and give yourself and your family much needed time and TLC....Keep posting, you are not alone...Take Care xxx

 

[Kevinl]

Hi VonVee
It's people in your position I always feel sorriest for, it isn't easy for any of us having to cope with a young family and at the same time a dependant parent.
I wouldn't wait for the appointment I'd get onto Social Services now and get some help, you don't need a formal diagnosis to get help. You need to There isn't really any extra care available diagnosed or not. here's the out of hours number give them a ring right now (please).
K

Our out of hours social services support number is 01202 657279. The service operates seven days a week 5pm to 8.40am Monday to Thursday and from 4pm Friday to 8.40am Monday.
The service provides emergency cover and access to essential services outside of the main local office working hours and covers Poole, Bournemouth and Dorset.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I am so sorry to read this and for you in this dreadful situation but can also relate to your circumstances you find yourself in. Last year in October we arrived for lunch to celebrate mums 80th birthday and found mum dead and dad because of his dementia couldn't phone me or 999 for help the coroner timed her death around teatime the previous day. We found dad sitting in their car but don't think he had been there during the night..probably had just been so confused had blocked the sight of mums body out of his mind...we found her in the hall so he must have passed her so many times. Justso so heartbreakingly sad and so shocking for us all. Because of the shock and trauma dads dementia accelerated. So I can totally know how you are feeling dealing with the dementia parent unable to make sense of it and trying to help yet deal with your own shock and grief. We had to step in immediately dad would have wandered and wasn't able to get food or drink. My sister and I shared live in care at his house and I felt so shocked tearful trying to deal with dad whose nights and days flipped his swift mental decline...it was so difficult and we missed mum. Having to repeat things about the circumstances to try to help dad meant we relived the events over and over which was so upsetting. At
ghe chapel of rest and the funeral dad veered from tears to asking who was in the box! So ....what we realised over time was that neither mum nor dad would have wanted our lives to be so disrupted that once we had settled dad we should look for a long term care solution particularly with my sister who has children same age to you. We had great support from the mental health team and gp in getting poa for health and finance which is crucial dad probably didn't have that much mental capacity so they bent over backwards with the encouragement to get it done....in the fog of grief if you haven't got poa try and get it now..we did it ourselves but took 4 months but such a relief. We also had great support from the local alzheimers soc support home worker who patiently let me cry every time she visited...about dad...about mum...the situation...everything She also gave me invaluable help on strategies to help and deal with dads dementia. So I would strongly urge you to make contact with your local alz soc office. I truly feel for you and know how hard it is....a year on I still have tears for dad for mum for me ...sadly after 8 months of living in with dad trying unsu cessfully live in carers dads dementia declining that we were heartbroken to realise that we had done our best but that he needed more expert care than we could give and 5 months ago we found a care home. The love lies are the worst...so much guilt...but we couldn't have given any more and our families needed us back. Take care and please talk to someone....I did and it does help

 

[Emomam]

Ditto.

Hi vonvee

My dad died nearly 5 years ago. Mum rang the doctors at midnight to get help who must have rung for an ambulance. She then rang me with help from the ambulance people. I didn't find out that she hadn't rung 999 until the phone bill came. My dad also hid mums dementia well.

I was left in the same situation as you. The trauma of dad passing away left mum not sleeping and searching for him most nights for three weeks. I couldn't go to work and fortunately didn't have children and just carried on looking after mum. She started to settle a bit more after 3_4 weeks and I went back to work part time.

I think there is an emergency number to ring for SS to get things moving but like other people said it might be best to speak to your mums doctor for assistance in speeding things up.

Your family need you and as much as the pull to help your mum is strong sometimes it's not possible.

I know also that you need time to grieve for your dad.

My mum has just gone into a very good care home and has settled well and I am just dealing with everything that has happened in the last five years including my dad's death.

I know that you must be mentally and physically exhausted. Please just take a step back and deal with one thing at a time. Call your friends and talk to them and talk on here too.

 

[Chemmy]

My heart goes out to you. Grieving for a parent is hard enough without having to deal with your mum in this way too.

With the benefit of hindsight, I'd be looking for a respite bed in a CH asap to give you some breathing space, esp. over Christmas. And then shop around for longer term care. It can be arranged very quickly if she would be self- funding. My MIL ended up in hospital after two bad falls and she didn't go back home after the second one, she moved straight into a care home.

Does your mum have savings that could be used to pay for this in the short term? Do you have any control over the finances? An LPA in place? Others will be better placed than me to advise you on the money side of things.

There's a load of practical advice available here on TP, so don't be shy about asking for it or having a rant if you need to. We understand.

 

[Tin]

Dear Vonvee, So sorry to read your post. You are carrying a great load there and must look for help from social services, don't wait for memory clinic appointment, it will not change anything, personally I found waiting for a diagnosis for my mother was such a slow process, but you don't have to wait for this before asking for help and you need it now. So if you can face it start making those phone calls to your local authority.

 

[VonVee]

Thank you thankyou thank you. everyone!

Wow, well what can I say, thank you a big thank you for all your comments and support and similar stories as to mine, you all made me feel like I am being supported so thanks again.

Update - well the morning I found my dads dead body, the warden of the sheltered accom they live in, came down to see us once the coroner left, to ask us how it was going, and she asked me whether I felt that mum needed help from social care, as she was as shocked as me at seeing the state mum was in, so she made the phone call and Social care have been in place every day since then, and START & PICS teams visit twice a day, but they ony stay for about 15 mins a time, so I don't get much respite at the moment, as I'm there from early morning to afternoon, but they mean well and are nice professional people, and I've been giving my feedback everyday, and the other day there was a review with the social worker and Start team officer, and they are supportive and listen to my worries and concerns, so that's something I guess,

I have asked for some respite care for mum over the Xmas holidays,it's a long shot and going to cost an arm and a leg, but it will be worth it just so I can have a break, I've literally been with mum everyday since, and it's taking its toll, as I have back ache, and ear ache, sore throat and sniffles coming on, and I'm sure it's because I'm a bit run down, but I can't let mum down.

I've also asked social care for a carers assessment, and I'm looking in bereavement therapy for me, but I'm going to have to wait now till January for that, and I'm going to GP to ask for Mosiac for the kids as well as I think they may need something.

So it's a slow process, but I do have some help I guess, but it dosnt feel enough, but I feel that I have to ring them regularly and keep on to them so I'm not forgotten, and yes I have mentioned about care homes, and I've been told by Start team, that no doubt, it may be she won't be living in that flat say this time next year, and that's good news to my ears, and that's keeping me going at the moment.

 

[susy]

I'm sure people who know more about it will be able to help you here with the finances but if your mum doesn't own her home or have substantial savings then her respite or long term care will be free.
Please be aware and this is important that you do not have to fund your mum. Care home fees are massive and it would be wrong for you to be in that position and especially when starting out on that journey to feel that you have to fund this.
I hope you have some answers soon.