Where is the support now ?

[1mindy]

Since my OH went into a home a couple of months ago I have been really struggling with my emotions.Yes it was so hard when he was here, yes he was aggressive and yet loving at the same time . He meant that I couldn't go out without him , but I never wanted him to go and I miss him so much. On my own I just cry and cry . In front of others and the children ( 24 & 26. ) I stay strong, today I made a mistake at my son's house and was cross with myself ( I was mowing his lawn , no big deal really) He shouted at me too. I finished the lawn and left. I have since had the apology text . But it was something and nothing really. I need my OH here, shoulder to cry on, someone to love me and who I can love.
Where do others go for help and support. My doctor said to go back if I didn't feel any better by now , but what would that achieve. I can't be the only one living in this void going through the motions of life.

 

[fizzie]

I am so sorry, life is really tough and it seems so unfair. I don't think anyone understands really unless they have been through the process. My lifeline was our carers cafe, we have a number of carers who have partners in care homes and we all understand how traumatic the process really is. It's a great support because we have days out, speakers and things like quiz nights and a good laugh and cry. If you have one near you, take a deep breath and go along would be my advice.

Keep posting, lots of people here to support you xx

 

[Aisling]

Since my OH went into a home a couple of months ago I have been really struggling with my emotions.Yes it was so hard when he was here, yes he was aggressive and yet loving at the same time . He meant that I couldn't go out without him , but I never wanted him to go and I miss him so much. On my own I just cry and cry . In front of others and the children ( 24 & 26. ) I stay strong, today I made a mistake at my son's house and was cross with myself ( I was mowing his lawn , no big deal really) He shouted at me too. I finished the lawn and left. I have since had the apology text . But it was something and nothing really. I need my OH here, shoulder to cry on, someone to love me and who I can love.
Where do others go for help and support. My doctor said to go back if I didn't feel any better by now , but what would that achieve. I can't be the only one living in this void going through the motions of life.

Hi Mindy,

I can only imagine how you feel and question where is the support now. It must be devastating for you. I hope your children live near you. They too, must be struggling.

Your husband is safe and you are still caring for him.

Now, what about you? Your feelings? It is such an awful disease. My advice is to go back to your doctor. He/she will be able to help and advise, then please follow this advice.

Lots of support,

Aisling

 

[Beate]

I think you need bereavement counselling because this is what this is, even though he's still alive.

 

[1mindy]

Thankyou all. I will look for the carers cafe , and go back to the doctor but don't know what he can do. Maybe he can point me to the councillor which I hope will help.

 

[jaymor]

Since my OH went into a home a couple of months ago I have been really struggling with my emotions.Yes it was so hard when he was here, yes he was aggressive and yet loving at the same time . He meant that I couldn't go out without him , but I never wanted him to go and I miss him so much. On my own I just cry and cry . In front of others and the children ( 24 & 26. ) I stay strong, today I made a mistake at my son's house and was cross with myself ( I was mowing his lawn , no big deal really) He shouted at me too. I finished the lawn and left. I have since had the apology text . But it was something and nothing really. I need my OH here, shoulder to cry on, someone to love me and who I can love.
Where do others go for help and support. My doctor said to go back if I didn't feel any better by now , but what would that achieve. I can't be the only one living in this void going through the motions of life.

Don't be too hard on yourself it really is early days. It was months before I was happy with my husband being in care. Yes I understood why I had to accept he needed the care but it did not help me accept that he could not have the same level of care at home. Slowly life got better, I accepted the help of the cavalry and made it my job to watch carefully and make sure everything was how it needed to be. Nursing home life soon became my life and once I got to know the other residents and their families life became more settled. We had a new extended family.

Four years on I now face life after the death of my husband 7 weeks ago. Another hurdle to get over. Like accepting care home life I will take it slowly and hopefully get to a place where it is acceptable, I can't change anything. It takes time so be gentle with yourself and there is no shame in shedding a tear or two or even buckets of them if it helps. You are at your most sensitive time right now and it is very normal to feel as you do. It is a hard time.

Take care

 

[gringo]

...... I need my OH here, shoulder to cry on, someone to love me and who I can love.
Where do others go for help and support....... I can't be the only one living in this void going through the motions of life.

Dear Mindy, I wish I could give you good news. But of course you know very well that it’s an on-going and unhappy situation. This is the only place I have found where people understand. There are quite a few of us here in a similar situation, the experience puts it's mark on you. I’ve lived in the ‘void’ now for four years. I take what comfort I can from the courage of those people, on this forum, who have suffered as much and even more, and yet are always ready to offer support.
But there are times when things come apart, when a visit goes very wrong, when sleep won’t come and the sheer awful loneliness of it all overcomes you. At such times I find that putting it down on paper, a form of catharsis, brings some relief as you try to find the right words to describe your feelings.
I hear someone whispering in my ear ‘physician heal thyself!'.

 

[pamann]

Hello Mindy, l am so sorry that you are feeling so low, my husband has been in a CH for 8 months, my husband has deteriorated so much that l feel he is in the best place. I do spend 6 hours a day with my husband, l am very lucky to be able to spend quality time with him, without full time caring. Life has changed for all of us here whether it be caring at home or visiting in a CH, it puts a great strain on us all. Life goes on and we can not change the way it is now, l do hope you find some way of coming to terms with the way life is now, we all deal with it differently. I belong to 3 bowls clubs, so l am not at home very much which helps me, l have never done anything without my hubby for 55yrs, try to do something you enjoy doing, then it will give you strength to carry on.

 

[sleepless]

I hear someone whispering in my ear ‘physician heal thyself!'.

Gringo, your post, and jaymor's, illustrate very gently and kindly that there can be no complete healing in either situation, but there can be an acceptance that soothes the wound, and sharing with others who understand can act as a balm. Likewise your writing, gringo, which I see as almost a washing out of a wound. The wound is still there, but cleansed, it hurts a little less.
Mindy, I hope it helps to share your feelings among those who understand.

 

[tigerlady]

Dear Mindy, I wish I could give you good news. But of course you know very well that it’s an on-going and unhappy situation. This is the only place I have found where people understand. There are quite a few of us here in a similar situation, the experience puts it's mark on you. I’ve lived in the ‘void’ now for four years. I take what comfort I can from the courage of those people, on this forum, who have suffered as much and even more, and yet are always ready to offer support.
But there are times when things come apart, when a visit goes very wrong, when sleep won’t come and the sheer awful loneliness of it all overcomes you. At such times I find that putting it down on paper, a form of catharsis, brings some relief as you try to find the right words to describe your feelings.
I hear someone whispering in my ear ‘physician heal thyself!'.

How well you put it gringo - it is like living in a void. My husband has been in care for nearly 2 years and just when I think I have come to terms with it, a bad visit or memory from the past happens and I am back in the void thinking " what is the point of me going on without him".

In answer to you mindy, on my better days I find gardening theraputic and I have the wonderful companionship of my dog. I have some great friends who I meet up with regularly. I find this forum helps as i dont feel so alone. I don't have children and my husbands son and my family live far away, so I feel pretty much on my own at times. Had a bad visit yesterday -wanted to take him out but he didn't seem to understand or want to go, and ended up getting aggressive with me so I've been very sad since then. He did have a UTI earlier in the week- his first - but I thought it had cleared up.

I hope you can find some peace and support somehow xx

 

[LadyA]

Really feel for you. I missed William terribly when he went to the nursing home - but I was very "lucky" in that it was only 15 minutes or so away, and by the time I finally got him in to a nursing home, things were dangerously bad here with him, so to be honest, although I did feel very guilty - especially when he thrived and got so much better for a while in the nursing home - I knew in my heart that it was right. And he settled so well, and was so happy there.

However, the others are right - it is like a bereavement. You are kind of in limbo. You have joined the TP "midows". Those who are not yet widows, but do not have their husbands at home. And people just don't get it, how gut-wrenching it can be. I remember people earnestly telling me that I was "visiting way too often - once or twice a week would be enough." They felt I should be "making a new life". But I couldn't figure out why. My husband wasn't able to live with me - but we still had a life. And I was more fortunate than a lot of people on here. There wasn't a day that William's face didn't light up as soon as he saw me coming.

You be kind to yourself mindy. Take every bit of help you can get - whether from GP or counselling, or just on here. xx

 

[Scarlett123]

I was just about to post something regarding the unnatural state of being a "midow", neither a widow, nor married in the usual sense, when I saw that LadyA had said the same thing. Personally, I think we all suffer from guilt-itis, and we can give thoughtful advice to others, but we don't apply it to ourselves.

When I was a midow, I felt guilty that John was in a Care Home, guilty that I couldn't cope, guilty that I felt relief at being able to do something as mundane as having a wee without having to take him with me, and bawled my eyes out regularly.

Now I'm a widow, most of the guilt has gone, but I still get flashes, or feel terribly depressed and weepy and then berate myself. But if someone else posted identically, I'd be the first to tell them that it's early days, they're doing great etc. I wish I could think of something meaningful to say to you, mindy, but we all know these familiar feelings, and can only sympathise.

Some folk are, in my opinion, fortunate, that when their loved one goes into Care, they have wonderful visits, and find a real degree of happiness, both during the visits and in their time at home. Others only have a few months, when visits are fraught, silent, or angry, and deterioration is rapid.

We can all only do our best.

 

[1mindy]

Thankyou for the replies. Will make that Drs appointment today. I am still really teary but now realise it isn't just me. I have family close who love and try to understand and good friends so am lucky I suppose. I only visit my OH twice a week because of the distance. He does not stay with me long before he is off to his friends, or last night on the shift change he saw one worker come in shot up to greet her, gave her a big hug and kiss then stuck to her. I left actually happy as she clearly cared for him and he her. I never get the hug and kiss and clear joy on seeing me . Just have to accept that in time.

 

[esmeralda]

Generous and loving that you are happy to see your husband happy and settled Mindy, but it must have made you feel very sad and lonely. Big hugs.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[LadyA]

Generous and loving that you are happy to see your husband happy and settled Mindy, but it must have made you feel very sad and lonely. Big hugs.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, that's the thing about love, isn't it? I know I've talked about it before on TP, but sometimes it helps.
My wedding ring is engraved on the outside with "1 Corinthians 13:4" which is the passage often read at weddings - the "Love is" passage. Inside the ring is the start of the passage "Love is patient.. Love is kind ".
The passage goes on to describe all the things real love is. It is not "self seeking " it keeps no record of wrongs, it always protects.
Mindy, I think this "not self seeking " just perfectly describes the situation you are in. You feel bereft, but you put your love's best interests before your own, when he couldn't make decisions for himself.

 

[1mindy]

Esmerelda and LadyA . What lovely replies. I haven't always put him first , when I didn't really understand what was going on. Last night I asked the nurse if he was happy , her reply " only he will ever know that, all we know is he is settled", such is this dementia in its locked in world. Didn't go to the DRs, joined the gym instead, had a great one to one with an instructor and feel much better. Going again on Wednesday thought it was better than the Dr. I will see.

 

[pamann]

Well done Mindy joining the gym will help you to feel better, the Dr will only give you pills. Wishing you much strength for the future.