For the first time, we spent a day without my husband recognizing me…he begged me to “help him find his wife”. A week or so later, he had his first time of incontinence…just could not make it to the bathroom quick enough. He walks much more slowly these days. He is having days when his ears ring and he can’t hear well…but then it goes away. He is more and more tired….some nights he wanders and is quite anxious….but for the most part he sleeps at night. He goes to a dementia day care 4 days a week for 4 hours a day and really likes it. But, if I try to leave him over night with a carer…one he knows…..he won’t sleep or eat and spend the entire time “trying to find me”. I love him dearly and we have had a wonderful marriage. But, this is getting overwhelming…. What to expect????
What to expect…
- Thread starter GKB
- Start date
Welcome @GKB
What to expect?
I doubt I’ll be telling you anything you haven’t suspected but today your husband is the best he will ever be.
It`s heartbreaking I know.
Try to think what advice you would give to another family member or close friend in the same position.
You are not a robot and you may be unable in the near future to meet your husband’s needs
This is the position I found myself in. There were periods when my husband didn’t know me. There were periods when he became aggressive. These I managed with support from agency carers who were excellent
The breaking point for me was when my husband lost mobility. I didn’t have the physical strength to get him up from the floor or even a chair Then I had to make the painful decision for residential care.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared. He settled within a couple of weeks and we had the best relationship for the next tour years before he died.
I had some freedom and space and also had good people sharing the caring.
I hope this helps you. We all have different breaking points and access to quality care but you will know when the time is right.
I hope you will be able to recognise it
What to expect?
I doubt I’ll be telling you anything you haven’t suspected but today your husband is the best he will ever be.
It`s heartbreaking I know.
Try to think what advice you would give to another family member or close friend in the same position.
You are not a robot and you may be unable in the near future to meet your husband’s needs
This is the position I found myself in. There were periods when my husband didn’t know me. There were periods when he became aggressive. These I managed with support from agency carers who were excellent
The breaking point for me was when my husband lost mobility. I didn’t have the physical strength to get him up from the floor or even a chair Then I had to make the painful decision for residential care.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared. He settled within a couple of weeks and we had the best relationship for the next tour years before he died.
I had some freedom and space and also had good people sharing the caring.
I hope this helps you. We all have different breaking points and access to quality care but you will know when the time is right.
I hope you will be able to recognise it
Hello @GKB and welcome to Talking Point. The issues that you describe sound like mid stage dementia and unfortunately as the disease progresses things will only get worse. You say that you are finding this overwhelming and I am wondering if it is maybe time to consider residential care, that way instead of being a harassed carer you would become your husbands wife again. You would still be caring for him but just in a different way, making sure that his needs were being met.
Grannie G and SeeSwallow….Thank you. I broached the subject of a care home with him and he became enraged….said he would only go if I go. I don’t want him to feel I have betrayed him or don’t love him. The guilt just incapacitates me sometimes. Physically, I can’t lift him or handle him. And, if a carer is in the room with us he only turns to me…some times rude to the carer. He is a good and decent man. I have found a residential care home I like very near me. Last year I could not face the thought of him going into a care home. I am getting closer and closer to that moment,…..but how do you get someone to go when they don’t want to??? And, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help. Thank you.
It is quite difficult to get someone who does not want to go into a care home to accept that they need to. But there comes a time when their needs are more important than what they want. As @Chizz said sometimes it needs deception.
I hope that someone with experience of this will come along with more advice. I was lucky that when my dad needed care he was the one who said it was time.
I told my husband the doctor suggested he go into a convalescent home to rebuild his strength He agreed
Our social worker and community psychiatric nurse helped me. They accompanied to the care home, the CPN to support my husband and the S W to support me
I know we were lucky, if anyone taking their husband into residential care can be considered lucky and appreciate post covid this service may not be as easy to come by but please ask for help and support. If you don’t ask you will never get but if you do ask perhaps you will.
It doesn’t look as if your husband is at the stage where he will go along with what worked for me @GKB and I hope you will find a way
Our social worker and community psychiatric nurse helped me. They accompanied to the care home, the CPN to support my husband and the S W to support me
I know we were lucky, if anyone taking their husband into residential care can be considered lucky and appreciate post covid this service may not be as easy to come by but please ask for help and support. If you don’t ask you will never get but if you do ask perhaps you will.
It doesn’t look as if your husband is at the stage where he will go along with what worked for me @GKB and I hope you will find a way
Well, we had another evening when he did not know who I am and wanted me to help him find his wife. This is the second time in a week. One of you said that each day is the best it will be. That is turning out to be so true. I am beginning to think he would be better off in a care home where every day is the same with his routine. He gets so anxious about what will happen “tomorrow” even though it is the same thing. The evenings are the worst.
Yes, I know you are right….just hard, isn’t it? His father abandoned him when he was 8…never saw him again. Fortunately, he had a wonderful mother. At any rate, his fear of abandonment is deep. It pains me to see him so scared and distressed. He would feel so abandoned if I put him in a care home.
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