Visiting if they no longer remeber you?

[NellieP]

My mum no longer remembers me and I am wondering and is it worth continuing to visit?

I am not very close to my mum and struggled to get along with my mum's partner since her memory deteriorated due to disagreements about issues such as getting POA, getting a diagnosis and generally how to support her.

(We managed to get POA when my sister and nephew intervened as my mum's partner will listen to them. She still doesn't have an official diagnosis although the GP did a basic memory test a few years ago which she scored very poorly on.)

It's a long story but things came to a head when I was physically threatened by mum's partner a couple of years ago and told to get out of the house. He did apologise but I no longer feel comfortable going to the house.

As my mum no longer remembers me and is often more interested in the attractive man I am with (my partner) it all feels a bit pointless when I go to visit. I feel guilty but It just feels as though it's upsetting to put both her and me through the ritual of visiting especially as Christmas / birthdays as she doesn't know what day it is and doesn't know who we are and why we are there.

I continue to be frustrated and guilty that there is nothing I can do to help but as was made very clear when I was physically threatened that any input from me is not wanted. (My mum would always defer to her partner to make decisions about anything so it is difficult to advocate for her.)

Thanks in advance to the forum for being there and sharing your thoughts.

 

[Grannie G]

The point of family visits @NellieP even if the relationship isn’t good is to let the care home understand you are checking your mum is being treated well and looked after properly.

I wasn’t close to my mother either. I wasn’t prepared to care for her at home but felt duty bound to make sure the care home staff knew who I was and that my mother had someone to look out for her.

You don’t need to stay long but it`s good if you can visit at different times of the day so you are not expected

 

[NellieP]

The point of family visits @NellieP even if the relationship isn’t good is to let the care home understand you are checking your mum is being treated well and looked after properly.

I wasn’t close to my mother either. I wasn’t prepared to care for her at home but felt duty bound to make sure the care home staff knew who I was and that my mother had someone to look out for her.

You don’t need to stay long but it`s good if you can visit at different times of the day so you are not expected

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.
I should have clarified she is still living in her own home at the moment with her partner.
It's a good point that if she was in a care home it would feel that I could do something to help such as checking on her, and advocating for her if needed. Neither of which I feel I can do currently as things stand.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @NellieP , the way things are going it is probably very sensible not to visit your mum even if you really wanted to. Given your strained relationship with her partner and the fact she no longer remembers you maybe don't go in person. Is your sister visiting and could she fill you in on what is happening. How about sending a small hamper of things she likes to eat or a plant instead.
My mum is in a care home and I won't be seeing her on Christmas Day. I went to see her last week to do the sort of check up @Grannie G was talking about and to drop off her presents. I've some festive flowers turning up for her next week as well. As she no longer knows who I am, or where she is attaching importance to exact dates doesn't seem necessary.

 

[Tealy]

My mum no longer remembers me and I am wondering and is it worth continuing to visit?

I am not very close to my mum and struggled to get along with my mum's partner since her memory deteriorated due to disagreements about issues such as getting POA, getting a diagnosis and generally how to support her.

(We managed to get POA when my sister and nephew intervened as my mum's partner will listen to them. She still doesn't have an official diagnosis although the GP did a basic memory test a few years ago which she scored very poorly on.)

It's a long story but things came to a head when I was physically threatened by mum's partner a couple of years ago and told to get out of the house. He did apologise but I no longer feel comfortable going to the house.

As my mum no longer remembers me and is often more interested in the attractive man I am with (my partner) it all feels a bit pointless when I go to visit. I feel guilty but It just feels as though it's upsetting to put both her and me through the ritual of visiting especially as Christmas / birthdays as she doesn't know what day it is and doesn't know who we are and why we are there.

I continue to be frustrated and guilty that there is nothing I can do to help but as was made very clear when I was physically threatened that any input from me is not wanted. (My mum would always defer to her partner to make decisions about anything so it is difficult to advocate for her.)

Thanks in advance to the forum for being there and sharing your thoughts.

Hi
I understand your feelings.
Mum no longer knows me as I am today but the weird thing is she talks about me when we chat about her day.
She often says my name and tells me what Christine has done today.
Your mum might not know you now but in her mind she will I am sure have memories if you as a child.
Hope this helps

 

[Mobbin17]

She might not always know who you are or remember your visit, but you know who she is and one day you won’t need to visit . My mum died this year in February. I am glad that I visited her - through a mask and gloves to through a window Sometimes she was asleep, but I stayed there for the hour visit . I am glad that I did

 

[NellieP]

Hi
I understand your feelings.
Mum no longer knows me as I am today but the weird thing is she talks about me when we chat about her day.
She often says my name and tells me what Christine has done today.
Your mum might not know you now but in her mind she will I am sure have memories if you as a child.
Hope this helps

Hi,
Thanks for your reply. It does help to hear other peoples experiences and perspective. Thanks

 

[Cathlinm]

The point of family visits @NellieP even if the relationship isn’t good is to let the care home understand you are checking your mum is being treated well and looked after properly.

I wasn’t close to my mother either. I wasn’t prepared to care for her at home but felt duty bound to make sure the care home staff knew who I was and that my mother had someone to look out for her.

You don’t need to stay long but it`s good if you can visit at different times of the day so you are not expected

This is such great advice thank you. I had not thought of this before. Thank you.

 

[Cathlinm]

She might not always know who you are or remember your visit, but you know who she is and one day you won’t need to visit . My mum died this year in February. I am glad that I visited her - through a mask and gloves to through a window Sometimes she was asleep, but I stayed there for the hour visit . I am glad that I did

Thank you for your beautiful post.

 

[AlifieBow]

I hear you. I live a couple of hours away from my mum - I am not really sure if she recognises me but she knows she has a daughter and talks about me. My mum is always far more interested in my male partner when I go - says he is gorgeous and wants him to stay - makes us all smile. I go once a month and my brother who lives 5 minutes away goes once a week so I know she is 'checked up' on. I really struggle with the guilt of not going more often and never wanted her in a home so far from me but circumstances took over and it just happened. My brother does not want her moved nearer me although I have the time to visit several times a week. I dont want the argument with him only to upset her with a move that in reality is more for my benefit than hers if she does not know it is me visiting and the extra attention from me not wanted. Guilt and overthinking just makes the whole situation worse - none of it helps mum.

 

[JanetofLancs]

Hello all, I am new here.

My Mum went into a care home last September and I too live over 2 hours away from there. I cried a lot at first and of course felt guilty.

My Mum is quite variable but mostly doesn't know who I am. She does remember that I am someone important though. And then will refer to me in conversation or use that very familiar social chit chat and address me in the way she always used to.

But for me, and I understand this from what I have read, it is the feelings that are most intact for people with dementia, so making a person feel valued or that they are worth visiting is good. It is also good that the home know this is a valued person so that they don't get treated like a sausage in a sausage factory. Also I sometimes don't know what to say or how to be, but I will just do something like hold her hand, file her nails or comb her hair very gently. She seems to love that and the space gives her time to chat away about things that might be useful to know.

I hope this helps.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @JanetofLancs and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly place and you're among people who understand everything that dementia can throw at you.
It's good you can get to visit your mum and she enjoys your visits even if she doesn't always know who you are. My mother doesn't have a lot on intelligible language anymore but every now and again things flit across her memory like remembering my name or that I like wearing green.
When I can't go and visit mum, her home is in the middle of a covid outbreak at the moment, I send in flowers or chocolate just to keep the connection going.