My wife aged 80 has dementia and until now I have been caring for her. In the last 12 months her dementia has got worse and my own health has also got worse. My family and I have decided it would be beneficial to my wife and also me if she moved permanently into a care home. I would greatly welcome advice/tips on how I manage the move. How do I explain it? A few weeks ago she went into a home whilst I had respite for a few days. We explained that by saying that the central heating had broken down and she was being moved into a hotel while this was being looked at. I am not sure this would work again. Any thoughts would be most appreciated.
Transitioning to care home
- Thread starter Bromage
- Start date
Hi @Bromage, welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I'd not explain anything, just organise the home and then take her there. If you say anything, even if it is dressed up as a holiday or due to work needing to be done on the house she is likely to say no and, even if she forgets what you've said, feel anxious about something.
Find a home that you are happy with, they are not all alike and some will be a better fit for your wife than others. On the day just say you are going out for tea or on a trip and just take her there. It is easier if more than one person is involved, and it might be best if it isn't you. My mother in law moved into care last September. The son who was her principle carer didn't want to be involved in moving her, so my husband and her elder daughter did it. The daughter went ahead to the care home to get the room looking as much like her room at home as possible while my husband took his mother in law for a drive. They sat looking at a view for an hour while playing classical music, both things she liked. They arrived at the home where a big fuss was made of her and they made sure she had a cup of her favourite Earl Grey tea. I don't think she realises most of the time that she is no longer at home.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions. This is a very friendly and supportive place, and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
I'd not explain anything, just organise the home and then take her there. If you say anything, even if it is dressed up as a holiday or due to work needing to be done on the house she is likely to say no and, even if she forgets what you've said, feel anxious about something.
Find a home that you are happy with, they are not all alike and some will be a better fit for your wife than others. On the day just say you are going out for tea or on a trip and just take her there. It is easier if more than one person is involved, and it might be best if it isn't you. My mother in law moved into care last September. The son who was her principle carer didn't want to be involved in moving her, so my husband and her elder daughter did it. The daughter went ahead to the care home to get the room looking as much like her room at home as possible while my husband took his mother in law for a drive. They sat looking at a view for an hour while playing classical music, both things she liked. They arrived at the home where a big fuss was made of her and they made sure she had a cup of her favourite Earl Grey tea. I don't think she realises most of the time that she is no longer at home.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions. This is a very friendly and supportive place, and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
How far along are you? Have you just decided that you need a care home, or do you have one in mind, they have accepted her, you have the finances sorted and its just that you dont know how to actually get her there?
Will the home accept her and do you have the finances?
If so, then @Sarasa has given good advice on how to get her there. Very few people with dementia will willingly move to a care home as by the time they reach that stage they are usually no longer aware of the reality of their condition. Trying to reason with her or gently persuade her is likely to just make her anxious and more stubborn. Mostly you have to use subterfuge - much like you did to get her to respite.
Please be aware: if you move your wife to a home and she really, really objects or tries to leave, the home will have to apply for a DoLS. That means Social Services will become involved and they may judge her as having capacity to decide where she lives. They may say she is perfectly OK to go home with carers coming in. It is very hard to overrule their decision.
I'm just warning you because it isn't always straightforward. If she does settle in the care home, you'll be fine...
I'm just warning you because it isn't always straightforward. If she does settle in the care home, you'll be fine...
