Totally lost

[CateH]

I registered on here last year but didn`t get much opportunity to post.
I was full time carer to my mother from May 2007, I gave up work to make sure she was safe and comfortable at home. She was surrounded by love and all the family but all the caring was done by myself. We had a nurse who came in once a month to bring medication and do the odd memory test. An OT visited once. Other than that we were on our own.

Mam also had leukemia and having had a 2nd cycle of chemo in May she became ill three weeks later with a chest infection. She was admitted to hospital, got a UTI and died 6 days later.

Caring for mam was my whole life for 3 years, well officially for 3 years. I stayed in hospital with her for her final 6 days only returning home for an hour a day to shower and to feed the pets - I caught sleep when I could on the chair next to her bed.

I held her hand as she took her last breath.

Now, 4 weeks later I am totally lost. There is a big void in my life and I don`t know what to do with myself. I need to get a job as we lived on mam's pension, my late father's teaching pension and attendance allowance - obviously all these payments have stopped.

I don't feel emotionally strong enough to start back at work but needs must but at the same time I think getting back out there into the world may help.

Thanks for reading my post. I don't expect any advice or waving of magic wands, I just needed to get this all off my chest.

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh Cate - I am so sorry.

Well you don't need me to tell you it's very early days, but I do think it is especially difficult as obviously your whole life recently has revolved around caring for your mother. Have you considered asking your GP what options there are for counselling?

I do think if at all possible you need time to look around you and see what you want to do. Some people take the skills they have learned caring for a family member and become a paid carer, while other find that a bit too stressful, particularly when they start this shortly after the loved one has died. One thing you can say for being a paid carer - there's an awful lot of demand. Of course, you probably have other marketable skills, but I suspect that this soon, you just can't think straight. Would you consider taking a "non-stressful" job for a while just to pay the bills. Retail, food service, while on the whole poorly paying have the virtue of not really engaging the brain (although even that can have it's down side).

Don't feel that you have to stop posting here - your mother may be gone (as is mine) but we are still carer.

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello CateH

I held her hand as she took her last breath.

Now, 4 weeks later I am totally lost. There is a big void in my life and I don`t know what to do with myself. I need to get a job as we lived on mam's pension, my late father's teaching pension and attendance allowance - obviously all these payments have stopped.

I don't feel emotionally strong enough to start back at work but needs must but at the same time I think getting back out there into the world may help.


Hello Cate
I know about the void.
And I know about the (I do not know what to do with myself)I do not know how old you are
If you can get a job, go for it.
Going back out into the world may help you.
Be strong X
Here if needed.
Barb XX

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Cate:

I am glad you could come here to share your thoughts and feelings.

Jennifer has made good suggestions. However hard it is I do think it is important you make your way back into the real world. Not easy, I have been there. Maybe a simple job with little responsibility, possible poor pay, but at least some company, may help.

Please keep posting - others will share their experiences too.

 

[Izzy]

So sorry for your loss. Izzy x

 

[CaPattinson]

Hello there

My dear Cate I agree with jennifer and I think a visit to your GP is a good idea. You have been through so much trauma and distress you need some emotional support. You can't be expected to 'go it alone' You will get help and support here, but I was just wondering if your gp would refer you to social services. I think the support of a social worker may help. I know from experience that they have specialist contacts and knowledge and as well as being there in person he/she could perhaps point you in the right direction. I truly hope things work out for you.
You will get h3elp and advice here, but sorry no magic wands. Keep logging in and good luck, take care xxx Chris

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Cate.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please don`t expect to be able to return to mainstream life immediately. Give yourself some time.

 

[CateH]

Thank you all for your kind words.
I have actually been to my GP and she is referring me for councelling, she said I did the right thing asking for help sooner rather than later.
My mother's death came just 6 short months after we lost my dear brother-in-law - forget the "in-law" he was my brother! I feel I didn't get the chance to grieve for him as I was so busy caring for mam, and now I have a double bereavement to cope with.

I'm 38 and know I have many working years ahead and everything you have brought up about going back to work I have thought about, ie getting out and meeting people, taking on any job that will pay the bills. I don't think I would go into full time care work, it's one thing caring for a loved one but I really don't think I could make a career out of it. My career has been child care, I trained as a nursery nurse and the last 15 years or so I have worked as a nanny, but right now I`m considering all sorts just to pay the bills. Mam and I lived off her pension, my late father's teachers pension and Attendance Allowance, obviously all these payments have now stopped.

I know I have quite a few roads ahead of me with regards to what I do with my life but right now I don`t know which road to take and I'm not sure if I`m in the right frame of mind to be making big, life changing decisions.

I know time will make things easier, I`ll never get over losing mam, or my brother (in-law) just as I have never got over losing my dad, but I know a day will come when I will no longer think they will walk through the door.

Thanks once again for your support, it means so much. x

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Dear Cate
Please accept my sincere condolences on your recent loss of your mother.

I am sorry to read your post but pleased you have seen the doctor to get some support.

You are walking a difficult road at the moment and I truly hope you will find the strength to get through this very difficult time.

Thinking of you. x

 

[Helen33]

Dear Cate,

I, too, am so sorry for your loss. It seems so soon to have to think about work and I wondered whether you had considered applying for a Employment and Support Allowance.

Sending love

 

[vicky!]

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe the doctor will gibe you a sick note for a while, or try and claim income support.

What I did feel from your post was a special relationship you held with your mum. No one can ever take that away with you, the pain of losing someone close never goes away you just learn to live with it.

I hope your journey is a peaceful one. My thoughts are with you

Vicky