Time to organise respite. What to do?

[allend100]

My mum is 68 and is looked after at home by her devoted partner. Mum has always had anxiety and depression problems since I was a child which has meant day care and respite has been impossible as she got so distressed. The CPN is amazed she is still at home considereing how advanced her alzheimers is. In her partners words he will look after her at home while there is still breath in is body. He now has severe back problems and after scans etc is going to see a spine specialist in September. We have been fortunate that we have recieved 12 hours a week support for mum at home for several years and have recently started to recieve help for 45 minutes every morning to get mum up and dressed, Mum is suprisingly compliant and relaxed but she is now getting out of bed 4 or 5 times a night and hallucinating but her partner still refuses to let me organise respite. He's exhausted and it's getting to the stage where it's not good for either of them. I've always respected his wish to care for her at home as I just wouldn't have coped without him. After talking to his daughter we have agreed to keep things as they are until his next hospital appointment. Whatever happens then I think it's time for him to start considering respite, how do I prepare him for this?

 

[Coletta]

My mum is 68 and is looked after at home by her devoted partner. Mum has always had anxiety and depression problems since I was a child which has meant day care and respite has been impossible as she got so distressed. The CPN is amazed she is still at home considereing how advanced her alzheimers is. In her partners words he will look after her at home while there is still breath in is body. He now has severe back problems and after scans etc is going to see a spine specialist in September. We have been fortunate that we have recieved 12 hours a week support for mum at home for several years and have recently started to recieve help for 45 minutes every morning to get mum up and dressed, Mum is suprisingly compliant and relaxed but she is now getting out of bed 4 or 5 times a night and hallucinating but her partner still refuses to let me organise respite. He's exhausted and it's getting to the stage where it's not good for either of them. I've always respected his wish to care for her at home as I just wouldn't have coped without him. After talking to his daughter we have agreed to keep things as they are until his next hospital appointment. Whatever happens then I think it's time for him to start considering respite, how do I prepare him for this?

Hi Allend,

Sorry you have not had an earlier reply, as I think you are a 'newbie'?
I have also only recently started posting so 'welcome' from one newbie to another.

If your mum is regularly getting out of bed several times a night hallucinating, I think her partner should ask the SW for new assessments, especially now he is not well himself, in the hope he might get some support at night.

As your mum gets so distressed and her partner refusing to let you organise respite (in a care home?), would he find a 'live-in' agency or private carers easier to accept, so that mum can stay at home whilst her partner has a break?

We always have 2 private carers to stay with MIL when we have a break to see my family abroad, which works very well for us. My MIL also hallucinates and at night time it is so tiring, I do feel for your mum's partner, he just must have a break and I hope you succeed in organising respite. Let us know how you get on.

Love and best wishes
Coletta

 

[allend100]

Still worried...but

Thanks for your reply, his daughter tried to suggest that we had a someone stay overnight and he goes for a couple of nights to stay with his family, but he doesn't want anyone in the house if he is not there and got upset and angry. The carers who come in the morning to get her up and dressed have noticed a difference in her over the last few weeks, she continues to lose weight and she is becoming less responsive to simple commands. When I went round today he was having a bad day with Mum, I asked him again to consider respite, he says that he'll think about it!!

He's in a lot of pain, lets just see what the hospital have to say about his back. I think that will be the decision maker. In the meantime I can only let him know I'll support him whatever, but also he knows that I will step in if I think enough is enough.