Time for my dad to go into a home? Should I try to do it gradually or will that make

[Sarah31]

Dad's health and mentle health is rapidly deteriorating. Had the gp today as he is having lots of falls. He currently lives in sheltered housing. The gp wants a review on Monday as he thinks we need to look at full time care. Dad has always been so against this. Before he even got I'll he made me promise to never put him in a home. I don't know if he would even know what's going on any more as he's now so lost. In a way the dr getting involved has taken a weight off of my mind as it's something I've been thinking about a lot latley but don't want to let my dad down. Would it be best to try rest bite in a home to see if my dad liked it or absolutely hated it. Thing is if he hates it what happens then? He's always been so antisocial and loves his own space so I think he'd hate sitting in a communal area. But if he liked it or was totally indifferent to the situation it would make things easier, ild hate for him to be unhappy and can't help feeling that I'm letting him down. I really don't feel I can cope with this and I don't know what to go for the best anymore.

So my question I guess is how have others done this. Also I don't have power of attorney or anything and am his only next of kin. Should I fight a little longer for him to stay at home or am I being cruel or is it crueler to take all decisions away and agree with the dr. Would it confuse him more to go away and come back again? He's not very lucid at all but sometimes he is. He knows I'm important to him and knows my name, he loves my children but he can't comprehend much more than that. How have others dealt with this? X


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[elizabet]

You will not be "Putting" your Dad in a care home . It is an option available to someone who is needing more care and support than can be offered in their own home .

 

[Delphie]

I personally wouldn't bother with respite to see how he likes it. It can take time to settle and he is also unlikely to be lucid enough for long enough to reach a considered decision, given what you've said about how ill he is now.

You know him and what his needs are so it might be a good idea to see what's in your area. Care homes differ and you should be able to find one that lets its residents have plenty of time in their rooms or other less public spaces.

Once you've found a place give him time to get used to it. He might ask to go home of course but then people who are in their own homes ask the same. As sad as it is, it sounds like your dad is now beyond making his own decisions.

 

[jaymor]

Sarah you have said your Dad is having lots of falls. He is unsafe to be on his own. A fall and a broken hip resulting in an operation and anaesthetic could make him much worse.

A care home is not a prison, it is somewhere he will have help and people around 24 hours a day to carry out that help.

If you go to look at homes make it very clear that your Dad can be a solitary man, enjoying his own company. I can't see why he can't sit in his room, listening to music, watching tv or reading if that's what he wants to do. If he just wants to look out of the window he should be able to do it, it will be his home. If their ways are different then walk away.

My husband is in a nursing home where there are no set times for bed or getting up. As long as they are harming no one they are free to participate or not, the choice is theirs. My husband has never liked crowds so it was important that we found a small home. He is in a nursing home with 26 residents split over three self contained floors so he is one of just nine men, a reasonably sized family. Any concern about your Dad you must mention so you are sure the care he gets is what he would want.

You will be doing your Dad a great diss service if you deny him the care he now needs. Go to the meeting, listen to the professionals, voice any concerns you have and get answers. Once everything is out in the open and spoken about you can make your decision. The actual care can only be judged once it is being given but getting the right home goes a very long way to getting good care.

Jay

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Sarah31. I looked at lots of different homes. It really gives you a sense of what you want and definitely don't want.

My mum loves chatting to others but also likes sitting alone and looking out of the window. The home she lives in has a garden which mum can go out into whenever she wants. The residents can sit in their rooms or in one of the lounges. They can take part in activities or just watch TV. One lady loves knitting whereas another loves setting the tables and walking around. Most importantly there is a very calm atmosphere. It's very homely which was also important to me because I know these are all the things that were important to mum.

My advice is keep an open mind and try not to think of it as "putting him in a home". You are keeping him safe and getting him the support he needs.

Good luck x

 

[cragmaid]

Some CHs, like the one we found for my Aunt, have more than one lounge area....in fact hers had a couple of dining rooms too. So residents were free to move around and sit where they liked. The staff used to ensure that if a resident wanted to stay in their room the door would be open and someone would pop their head in regularly.

Mum's ch does have a beautiful lounge with a fireplace and a TV and doors into the garden. The chairs are in three distinct areas rather than round the walls.....sadly few residents spend time there, preferring their solitude. I think age and mobility play a part with that. The EMI wing has a TV lounge and a quiet one too.

 

[copsham]

It is a difficult time but in your heart of heart I expect you know that your dad must move for his own safety. A good care home or good nursing home is an ideal support for someone such as your Dad. My Mum is a private and reserved person but has adapted to life in a nursing home. She is in the routine of going in to the dining room for every meal, meeting her Friends and then retiring back to her room until the next meal She used to do activities but she is less able now. She is very content which I would not have expected.

it is hard when you leave someone in a unit/home, it was a bit like a childs first day at school where you know you must not show a tear but nearly do! It is emotional but it is managable. Good luck

 

[Sarah31]

Thank you all do much for your replies, sorry I haven't replied earlier but it's been a difficult time. Dad is now in hospital at the moment, he's had a suspected Tia and has a chronic uti (his eyes are actually yellow) I agree, I think it's time for a care home. He's really taken a turn for the worst at the moment and things were very difficult before. I tried to discuss care homes with him just before he took a turn for the worst and he got so upset but I do think it's time now. Like I said thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply xxx


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