Thinking of taking Mum out of her care home

[kkerr]

Just wanted to get some advice from other TP members, many of whom will have likely been in the same position.

My Mum (74) went into a care home about 3 weeks ago - I had started the process of looking (I work full time and for the past 3 years, Mum has lived with me) but my hand was forced when it came to a weekend when I was scheduled to work 13 hour days, and the care at home agency we were using - informed me they had not been able to fill the weekend care slots!! Despite me giving them my rota a whole month in advance! I called one of the care homes that seemed the best, that I had visited over the past couple of weeks - and they had an available bed due to a new extension being finished. So with only 2 days warning, I packed up Mums stuff and she went to stay there.

Now 3 weeks on - I no longer have my full time job (I had decided way back in March to take a year out of full time work to care for mum - but will still be working part time) - and am travelling about 40 minutes each direction to visit Mum 2-3x week.

My concerns:
1)At week one, the care home manager was discussing medication to manage Mom's mood swings and her reluctance to personal care (she can become very agitated and somewhat aggressive if you try and assist her with showering/changing clothes etc).

2) Care home, 3 weeks in - still NOT able to manange to shower Mum, so I am having to do this on every visit, so she showers a couple times per week.

3) Of all the times I have been there - morning/afternoon/early evening, only once have I seen the residents engaged in any kind of activity - normally they are all just sat in the lounge, in a big semi circle around a TV that no one is watching! My mom doesn't watch TV, nor does she normally sit still for long. At home she would just wander from room to room, pick stuff up, move it to a new location etc. I was hoping that in a care home there would be more activity or things to spend her day doing -t his does not appear to be the case. NO ONE ever seems to get taken out of the care home, on trips/walks, etc - so I make a point of taking my Mum out most times I am there, even if just for a drive, etc.

4)The carers are nice, but all VERY YOUNG. They cannot possibly have much dementia experience at 21 and 23 years of age - they simply do not have the life experience. And watching their interactions with other residents, although they are polite and friendly, they don't seem to have much understanding of communicating with dementia patients.

So - my dilemma - do I bring Mom back home again? Risk the upset and turmoil fo moving again or do we stick it out with my doing (STILL) most of the caring for Mom, but payin 750/week for someone to put a roof over her head, feed her (occasionally, has taken 2+ weeks to get through to them that she is vegetarian and has a very limited range of foods that she will eat - has lost 3+ kg since arriving in the home).

If I bring her home, I feel like I am back to square one. Things will be ok this year, whilst I am working full time - but then what do I do when I am back working full time from August? Find a different care home and go through the whole process again?

Frankly - having her in a care home has not given me any more "free time", as I spend most of my time not working, driving to and from the care home to provide for her personal care and some stimulation that she is not getting from the home. But ultimately, I do have that freedom to decide "not today", today is a day for me, and I don't have to deal with dementia and all its complexities.

I have booked a holiday for one week, starting this Saturday. Will need to make a decision after I get back from that.

Any thoughts/suggestions/previous experiences much appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read such a long post!!

 

[di65]

Hi there. I have not had experience with this and hope you can find solution. My only suggestion I would give is to keep her in the care home and to keep looking for a more suitable one. As you have to go back to full time work, you will, as you say, have to face it again sooner or later, so a decision made without the pressure of time would be easier than removing her straight away and then settling back into your home and then out to another care home.

That sounded rather garbled, I hope you can see through the ramble. I have had a long stressful day full of answering the same questions over and over and am having a few minutes on my own as OH has toddled off to bed - so my brain isn't functioning at full tilt

 

[Grandma Joan]

Hi K
It's incredibly difficult isn't it.
I remember thinking with my Dad, when one of the care workers revealed he was only 19, How on earth can he have the knowledge, patience, life experiences to be kind and thoughtful and considerate and to treat my Dad with respect and dignity without rushing him ...............giving him time to feel safe, reassured, comfortable and the stimulation that's another thing....but the care home did have an activities co-ordinator so may be you could ask what activities they do with the residents.

Are there any "middle aged" carers? These places do tend to have a huge turnover of staff sadly. Can you ask what "dementia" training their staff are given?

I do so empathise with you, I wish there was an easy answer. Instead of paying for a care home have you thought about paying the same amount but to have care at home? I know that wouldn't be enough for 24/7 but it would go some way.

I know how you are feeling take care

 

[Grandma Joan]

Just read this by flowerball1. It's marvellous and can give us all hope. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing

In the home she has at least 3 carers on the unit at all times, a cook to provide her meals, a cleaner, a gardener, an admin manager, a handyman and numerous other people to engage with and support her. They all go home at the end of their shifts and have friends and holidays and lives. I tried to do all of this and provide daily stimulation and entertainment 24/7 for 52 weeks of the year. I was exhausted, mum was unhappy and no one really had a life. Now I get to see her everyday... we laugh, we hug, we are both still trying to find our feet, but she is cared for by people who are fresh and have slept and will go home to sleep. They may have different ways of doing things... but now I can get on with the job of enjoying what time I still have to share with mum and get back to loving her again!

Good luck with making your decision whatever you decide.

 

[jaymor]

Hello Kkerr,

It really is very early days. Your Mum will take a while to settle, for things to become familiar and for the staff to be trusted by her. The staff also have to get to know her too and to find ways that they can coax her because they can't force her.

In my husbands nursing home two carers shower or bath. One will face them, having eye contact and talking to them whilst the other carer does the showering. Once your Mum gets to feel comfortable things should improve. My husband takes showers without a problem though does curse them all the way through.

Personal care is difficult to accept, if two people descended on me, tried to take my clothes off and spray me down with water they would get more than a few choice words thrown at them. Dementia sufferers must find it really difficult and frightening, they don't understand it is for their own good.

My husband's nursing home have a good cross section of carers, the youngest bring 22 and the oldest being around 55. All of them are dementia trained, they deal with challenging behaviour. I once asked one of the younger carers if she ever found her job too much. No was her answer, they are my adopted granddads and I love bring with them.

Take your holiday, you more than deserve it, then look at moving your Mum to another home if things do not improve.

My husband never wanted to do any activities but he helped the staff with the washing up and drying, fetching the trolley from the laundry and other small jobs that kept him busy.

Hope it improves for you soon,

Jay

 

[marionq]

Give yourself time and space for Mum to settle in and for you to get your life back on track. Set a date to aim for like Christmas - that's only four months. At that stage you might have seen or heard of another care home you prefer. You might also try to have a quiet word with the dementia adviser for your area about other homes. Officially they may not have permission to promote a particular one but informally they will know about them all.

It will work out - be patient. She is safe while you decide.

 

[Tin]

It sounds like you want your mother home with you, but the above advice is good and sound. My 'knee jerk' reaction to your thread is that they are already thinking about medication, to enable them to 'manage' her. Part time or full time, your reliance on agency care will be back. Heres my situation, I did not want to place my mum in a care mum, but in order to give my mum the care and attention she needs I have had to give up all my work, I don't miss it and on the whole I love being at home with mum, but I'm almost 60 and due to retire very soon with a very small private pension and I have found someone from our village who is going to give me a couple of hours a week to just sit with mum. Of course she is not as busy as she could be in a care home. For the moment this works for both of us and who knows what the future holds.

 

[kkerr]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and very helpful comments!! I knew I could count on the TP community to speak sense in a compassionate way!

Just back from visiting Mom - she was in great spirits when I got there, chatting, dancing, having a laugh with people, so I suggested we got out to a local garden centre - used to be her favourite place, etc - seize the moment so to speak. Got all the way to the garden centre and the mood changed, she was crying/angry and I had to all but wrestle her back into the car, with her swearing at me and slapping me across the face! The realisation - she is happier in the care home. I think a lot of the faults that I see with are things that would bother ME or things that would have bothered the old Mom. To her, it is a calm place, where no one makes demands of her, she is free to wander (she often goes into other residents rooms - who are bed bound, and just sits with them - the carers keep an eye on things but allow her to do this as she is calm with them). I want Mom to be the old Mom. I want her to go out with me, have coffee, chat, go shopping, etc. I want her to be busy (as she always was before) with projects, crafts, etc.

Once I got her back to the care home, still fuming with me, she sat in the chair (in the room with all the other residents), drank her Sprite and within 40 mins she was calm again, then up to wander the garden. When I left, I told her (my usual white lie) "I am off to work for a while now Mum, I wont be gone long. I love you" She said "I love you too" and went back to her wanderings.

I think a large part of my inability to accept the care home is due to my inability to accept what has happenend/what is happening to my mom. I don't WANT her to be ok in a "place like that", I want her to WANT to be at home with me. But the bottom line is that she doesn't. Mom and my life together was always full of tension, largely due to my needing her to still be the same person she used to be. In the home, she can just be her, as she is a the moment, and I think that is relaxing for her.

As suggested, I will give everything more time. Thank you again for all of your comments and suggestions. As a gentle suggestion, I have ordered, online, a couple of highly rated books on activities for dementia patients - and will "gift" them to the care home. Better to be part of the solution and all that!

 

[halojones]

insight

Thank you all for your thoughtful and very helpful comments!! I knew I could count on the TP community to speak sense in a compassionate way!

Just back from visiting Mom - she was in great spirits when I got there, chatting, dancing, having a laugh with people, so I suggested we got out to a local garden centre - used to be her favourite place, etc - seize the moment so to speak. Got all the way to the garden centre and the mood changed, she was crying/angry and I had to all but wrestle her back into the car, with her swearing at me and slapping me across the face! The realisation - she is happier in the care home. I think a lot of the faults that I see with are things that would bother ME or things that would have bothered the old Mom. To her, it is a calm place, where no one makes demands of her, she is free to wander (she often goes into other residents rooms - who are bed bound, and just sits with them - the carers keep an eye on things but allow her to do this as she is calm with them). I want Mom to be the old Mom. I want her to go out with me, have coffee, chat, go shopping, etc. I want her to be busy (as she always was before) with projects, crafts, etc.

Once I got her back to the care home, still fuming with me, she sat in the chair (in the room with all the other residents), drank her Sprite and within 40 mins she was calm again, then up to wander the garden. When I left, I told her (my usual white lie) "I am off to work for a while now Mum, I wont be gone long. I love you" She said "I love you too" and went back to her wanderings.

I think a large part of my inability to accept the care home is due to my inability to accept what has happenend/what is happening to my mom. I don't WANT her to be ok in a "place like that", I want her to WANT to be at home with me. But the bottom line is that she doesn't. Mom and my life together was always full of tension, largely due to my needing her to still be the same person she used to be. In the home, she can just be her, as she is a the moment, and I think that is relaxing for her.

As suggested, I will give everything more time. Thank you again for all of your comments and suggestions. As a gentle suggestion, I have ordered, online, a couple of highly rated books on activities for dementia patients - and will "gift" them to the care home. Better to be part of the solution and all that!

I have just been readingyour post and the advice from T.P friends, and it is interesting to read about the understanding and insight into your situation that you have. I too posted on the forum today , and I also have had a very good insight into my situation ,I am so much clearer and now less upset.The intensity of looking after our loved ones is incredible!!I am so pleased your mum is content, that is all we can try for.Take Care x

 

[Jessbow]

Why don't you talk to them about what organised activity they provide?

You are only going two or three times a week, prob mostly afternoons...? Mums home tended to have organised activity in the mornings, and tended to let them just be in the afternoon. How many of our older loved ones snooze away the afternoon at home, with or without dementia?

Give it more time, Could you be there early one morning and assist with a shower?