My Mum is 80 years old and was diagnosed with Alzheimers last month. We are very concerned that she is not only forgetful (we can accept that) but she keeps asking us to collect her from the 'other house' and drive her back home (she has lived in her house for over 30 years) but when we ask her where she wants to go she gives us her home address. She seems to think that her home is two separate houses - one where she is happy and calm, and the 'other house' is where she is when she is distressed. She also thinks that there are five or six strange men who live in the 'other house' with her, and they all look exactly like my Dad. Has anyone else had this happen, and do you have any advice as to how to deal with this?
The 'Other House'
- Thread starter IZZYH
- Start date
We refer to this as an 'attack of the multiples' in our house
According to my Mil there are two of me, there are two of my husband (her son) and two of each of the kids - there are even two dogs - and the 'others' live in a house that looks identical to ours, even down to the same pictures on the wall and furnishings. She can ask me what I am making for tea, go to the loo, come down, ask again - and I give the same answer, and she will say 'Oh - that other woman is making that too!'. She will ask me where 'S***' is - my husband, her only child - and I'll tell her and she will say 'Not your S*** - I mean My S****'. Sometimes her son is her husband, and she will be adamant that I am married to the 'other S***'. The children, her grandchildren, she will tell me, are the 'double' of her 'nephews and nieces' in the other house. And why is it, she wants to know, that every dog she meets is called the same name, and looks exactly like the dog that her son has? And isn't funny that we live in this town - because her son and his wife live there too
The hardest aspect is trying to answer her questions when she is in this mode, as who she thinks we are - which of the two Anns, or two 'S***' she thinks she is talking to - can change in the middle of a sentence. And she can get so cross at us 'deliberately trying' to confuse her.
We distract as much as we can, though not always successfully - and other than that, we just try and ride it out and do what we can to divert her getting cross when we can't follow exactly who is who and where they are, in her head.
You have my sympathy I really wish I did know a way round this one
That explains what's been going on here...my husband has recently started asking where the others are, and seems to think the house is full of people all in the other room. At bedtime he gets agitated about them all having glasses and bottled water in their rooms. And I thought this was complicated, but AnnMac's MIL has it down to a fine art! I like the term " an attack of the multiples"
The Others are just part of mums life now, it does get confusing, sometimes I go in to the kitchen, come back and mum thinks i'm the other one. There are sooo many things now that I have learnt to live with it. Every night at 6pm she asks has everyone gone home? Its the terrible twos.
my mum goes in for duplicates,but when it came to houses she did the reverse, and merged her house with the care home. She felt if she could just get our handyman around, he could knock through the wall in her care home bedroom, and she would be in her previous home's living room. She got quite cross the handyman kept not turning up, after all its a small thing to ask to make a hole in the wall so you can get into your living room.
It is so sad . It is so easy to argue but I had a steep learning curve in how to just go along with what my Mum said-she starting talking about why her brother had not been to visit her (he had died several years ago) so I usually said he would probably be in tomorrow-like wise about her home she seemed to think of her childhood home rather than her house she had shared with my dad for nearly 50 years .
Attack of multiples -what an apt term. I'm not good at going along with it though. It hurts. Sometimes I think if I do something that is not liked then it is not you, other one, when I try to explain it was me. When going through Spanish Inquisition questioning to elicit who I am and get to 'what is your name?', response is 'oh I have lots of Oxys stretching right round the block!'
Luckily these dementia moments don't last and often part of sun downing but at time not easy and as with all 'first times' is a kick/shock. When agitated, or not right, being assigned all manner of relationships from sister to mother. Oh you are too young or only a boy.
Whilst I know it all depends on neural pathways, I still find it so hard when it happens.hence you have my full understanding-I think one 'acclimatises to it' to some degree.
Interesting that I'm not alone in experiencing this type of thing though and it helps.
Often says 'who else for meal'. Did once ask who else might come. Response: my siblings of course. So clearly had reverted to childhood times.
Find compassionate talk less easy because sometimes reasoning /explanation can help and at other times not at all.
Luckily these dementia moments don't last and often part of sun downing but at time not easy and as with all 'first times' is a kick/shock. When agitated, or not right, being assigned all manner of relationships from sister to mother. Oh you are too young or only a boy.
Whilst I know it all depends on neural pathways, I still find it so hard when it happens.hence you have my full understanding-I think one 'acclimatises to it' to some degree.
Interesting that I'm not alone in experiencing this type of thing though and it helps.
Often says 'who else for meal'. Did once ask who else might come. Response: my siblings of course. So clearly had reverted to childhood times.
Find compassionate talk less easy because sometimes reasoning /explanation can help and at other times not at all.
I understand this is pretty common, sadly, though MIL is not at the stage of doing this yet, thankfully...
People seem to find that "little white lies" are usefully employed here rather than the harsh (to them) truth that they don't live there any more and haven't done for years...
People seem to find that "little white lies" are usefully employed here rather than the harsh (to them) truth that they don't live there any more and haven't done for years...
Absolutely little white lies work. I think honesty can be an over-rated virtue, certainly when dealing with dementia. When my mother would ask to visit my grandparents, I would agree and say we would go the next day or the day after. If I told her they both died in 1970, she would have been devastated and burst into floods of tears. The truth would accomplish nothing except deeply upsetting her.
I'm sure we've all had the experience of someone telling us how awful our new hairstyle is or that we look fat in that outfit. Yes, they were being "honest" by their criteria but were those comments necessary or simply cruel?
I feel we must say and do whatever we can to keep our loved ones (or not so loved ones) as safe and content as we can.
When I go clothes shopping (a rarity) I take my cousin with me as I can rely on her to be brutally honest, in this instance the truth is the kindest
Where dementia is concerned it's whatever is the kindest and most suitable 'at that time', I never have any qualms about white lies providing they are for the caree's benefit and no-one else's.
Where dementia is concerned it's whatever is the kindest and most suitable 'at that time', I never have any qualms about white lies providing they are for the caree's benefit and no-one else's.
We too have symptoms of "the multiples" - houses and people...
"who else is in the house?"
"what is the address of the house we are sleeping at tonight?"
"this house is quite cosy to say that no one lives here"
Can't remember which wise person it was on TP - but a few weeks ago I read about "love lies" - which sits with my conscience much better :-O
Elizabeth.
"who else is in the house?"
"what is the address of the house we are sleeping at tonight?"
"this house is quite cosy to say that no one lives here"
Can't remember which wise person it was on TP - but a few weeks ago I read about "love lies" - which sits with my conscience much better :-O
Elizabeth.
When I go clothes shopping (a rarity) I take my cousin with me as I can rely on her to be brutally honest, in this instance the truth is the kindest
Yes, but you choose to do so, knowing she'll tell you the truth. I'm referring to people who volunteer their opinions/ observations.
After having gained some weight, I once had a co-worker ask me if I were pregnant (when he knew I wasn't). I rather tartly replied "No, I'm fat, you're bald and I can lose weight." Now, I can handle comments from others but I know that there are some very sensitive people who are hurt by comments like these. They are not necessary, in my opinion.
Which is why I followed up with 'Where dementia is concerned it's whatever is the kindest and most suitable 'at that time', I never have any qualms about white lies providing they are for the caree's benefit and no-one else's. '
The Others
I went through this with my mum until she was finally diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. Not so much with dad (he also has dementia, a double whammy for me) as a lot of the time he just agreed with mum. They're now both in a fantastic care home and refer to their room as their house. Once you understand their reasoning it makes visits easier although sometimes they catch me out and I'm left a bit puzzled as to what they're talking about!
Another thing I do is take photos of places I've visited recently so they can visualise where I'm talking about. A few weeks ago I went down to North Berwick for the day and I took lots of photos so that I could tell them all about my day, they felt part of it as they could look at the photos and see what/where I was talking about. I've also started a photo album for them and put into it the photos I take of my travels.
I went through this with my mum until she was finally diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. Not so much with dad (he also has dementia, a double whammy for me) as a lot of the time he just agreed with mum. They're now both in a fantastic care home and refer to their room as their house. Once you understand their reasoning it makes visits easier although sometimes they catch me out and I'm left a bit puzzled as to what they're talking about!
Another thing I do is take photos of places I've visited recently so they can visualise where I'm talking about. A few weeks ago I went down to North Berwick for the day and I took lots of photos so that I could tell them all about my day, they felt part of it as they could look at the photos and see what/where I was talking about. I've also started a photo album for them and put into it the photos I take of my travels.
