Hello everyone. This forum is truly supportive and helpful. I'm new to posting. I am 54 and my sister is 51. Our mother 81 years old and who lives over 200 miles away, moved into a care home 3 weeks ago after 3 months in a mental health hospital. She has had dementia symptoms for several years and has been in complete denial from the beginning. My Dad, who has Parkinsons, has been her carer but could no longer cope with the role. Mum was drinking too much and had malnutrition. She refused all assistance and would not let carers in the home. Eventually she was sectioned. It has been horrific. My Dad is devastated,lonely and wracked with guilt. She is livid with him and is verbally aggressive and hostile. She was never exactly a shrinking violet and is a fairly uncompromising woman but the dementia has made her unbearable. My question is how do I help my Dad understand this is not his fault and come to acceptance? He is very depressed. My sister is overwhelmed and says she feels she will never be happy again. Im not close to my Mum but feel the weight of sadness all around me. How on earth do we cope with a Mum who hates us all so much and does not recognise her own cognitive decline and aggression?
The horror of the last few months- how to cope?
- Thread starter salaliced
- Start date
Hi @salaliced and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your Mum and how this is affecting all of you. Unfortunately it is often the people who are closest who bear the brunt of the person with dementia's anger.
I have little experience of this myself but perhaps the starting point is to try to differentiate between your mum (as she was) and what dementia has done to her. It is no-one's fault and not something to feel guilty about. Being supportive to your dad, allowing him to come to terms with the situation is important. It will not be easy, but with your help he will get used to the situation. You can't change what has happened so far or alter the course of your mum's dementia. With the love and understanding that you and your sister can give him your dad will get through. And when you need support I hope that you will find it here.
I have little experience of this myself but perhaps the starting point is to try to differentiate between your mum (as she was) and what dementia has done to her. It is no-one's fault and not something to feel guilty about. Being supportive to your dad, allowing him to come to terms with the situation is important. It will not be easy, but with your help he will get used to the situation. You can't change what has happened so far or alter the course of your mum's dementia. With the love and understanding that you and your sister can give him your dad will get through. And when you need support I hope that you will find it here.
Hello @salaliced. Welcome to the dementia support forum.
I think you may need to let your dad live through his grief.
If he can be persuaded to reduce his visits, it might help.
I`m not sure whether his Parkinsons would allow an anti depressant. That would be for the doctor to decide.
No one can avoid these feelings of deep sadness when illness strikes. I think it`s OK and human to be sad and putting a face on saying all is well when it isn`t could do more harm than good.
I hope you will continue to post and off load here. We all understand grief and sadness and there does come a time when it is more manageable but it takes a while.
I think you may need to let your dad live through his grief.
If he can be persuaded to reduce his visits, it might help.
I`m not sure whether his Parkinsons would allow an anti depressant. That would be for the doctor to decide.
No one can avoid these feelings of deep sadness when illness strikes. I think it`s OK and human to be sad and putting a face on saying all is well when it isn`t could do more harm than good.
I hope you will continue to post and off load here. We all understand grief and sadness and there does come a time when it is more manageable but it takes a while.
What an awful time you are having. I think if it were me, I would be concentrating mostly on your poor old dad. Your mum is in a safe place and is being cared for but your dad obviously is the one needing your love and help at the moment.
Your dad sounds a bit of a hero to me. I can’t imagine how he coped with her and all her problems whilst having his own health issues.
I wonder how often he is visiting her. People can take a while to settle into a new home and it might be helpful to stay away until the nursing home can suggest that it is OK to visit. And then to keep the visits short initially to see how things go. A short visit with you (Christmas?) if that’s possible might divert him for a while but whatever happens, it will take time for him to come to terms with it.
Quite often on this site, people express their feelings of guilt when they have to move a parent, spouse into care. Maybe they feel that they have failed though from what you say about your mum, he stood no chance of caring for her successfully.
I am so sorry for your dad.
Your dad sounds a bit of a hero to me. I can’t imagine how he coped with her and all her problems whilst having his own health issues.
I wonder how often he is visiting her. People can take a while to settle into a new home and it might be helpful to stay away until the nursing home can suggest that it is OK to visit. And then to keep the visits short initially to see how things go. A short visit with you (Christmas?) if that’s possible might divert him for a while but whatever happens, it will take time for him to come to terms with it.
Quite often on this site, people express their feelings of guilt when they have to move a parent, spouse into care. Maybe they feel that they have failed though from what you say about your mum, he stood no chance of caring for her successfully.
I am so sorry for your dad.
Hello @salaliced
Im so sorry to hear about your family situation.
Im sorry to say that most people with dementia do not accept that they hve problems and it int always denial. There is a very common, but little talked about, symptom of dementia called anosognosia, which is where you lose self awareness of your own condition and are unable to even comprehend that you have something wrong with you.
My mum was like that too. She never accepted that she had dementia and didnt recognise her own cognitive decline either. She would grudgingly accept that her memory "wasnt what it was", but even so, if you suggested that she had done something and forgotten she would vehemently deny it - in her own mind, somebody else must have done it and there was just no reasoning with her. Suggesting that she couldnt do things made her very angry and she became increasingly paranoid. She thought people were doing terrible things to her and that I was shouting at her and hitting her, although in reality it was the other way around.
When she moved into a care home she wanted to go home, but was unable to understand the reality of the situation and could not understand why she was there. It was impossible to explain to her, so the only way to bridge that gap was by the use of "love lies" and I told mum (she moved there from hospital) that she was convalescing and put the blame on "the doctor" who would decide when she could go home. I never told her that the move was permanent.
Your mum has only been in this care home for 3 weeks, which is very early days. It usually takes a good couple of months to settle, so give your mum time.
It doenst sound as though visiting your mum is doing anyone any good at the moment. Could your dad be persuaded to take a break for a couple of weeks?
Im so sorry to hear about your family situation.
Im sorry to say that most people with dementia do not accept that they hve problems and it int always denial. There is a very common, but little talked about, symptom of dementia called anosognosia, which is where you lose self awareness of your own condition and are unable to even comprehend that you have something wrong with you.
My mum was like that too. She never accepted that she had dementia and didnt recognise her own cognitive decline either. She would grudgingly accept that her memory "wasnt what it was", but even so, if you suggested that she had done something and forgotten she would vehemently deny it - in her own mind, somebody else must have done it and there was just no reasoning with her. Suggesting that she couldnt do things made her very angry and she became increasingly paranoid. She thought people were doing terrible things to her and that I was shouting at her and hitting her, although in reality it was the other way around.
When she moved into a care home she wanted to go home, but was unable to understand the reality of the situation and could not understand why she was there. It was impossible to explain to her, so the only way to bridge that gap was by the use of "love lies" and I told mum (she moved there from hospital) that she was convalescing and put the blame on "the doctor" who would decide when she could go home. I never told her that the move was permanent.
Your mum has only been in this care home for 3 weeks, which is very early days. It usually takes a good couple of months to settle, so give your mum time.
It doenst sound as though visiting your mum is doing anyone any good at the moment. Could your dad be persuaded to take a break for a couple of weeks?
Hello@salaliced,
I can answer a couple of things that have been mentioned here as my husband has parkinsons like your Dad and dementia like your Mum.
People with parkinson's are fine to be prescribed an antidepressant it just has to be the one that works with his medication regime. A GP may want to check with his neurologist.
People with dementia as stated rarely have any insight into their disease or even that it exists. My husband was assessed earlier this week and stated we have no children( we have 2) but we have 3 grandchildren so obviously its not just memory loss its logic and problem solving that goes. I think its one of the reasons they blame others because they can't navigate a problem.
Visiting is only worhwhile is your mum or your dad are benefited preferably both. Try and encourage him to take a break and often if your person is hostile its better to stay in the communal lounge where staff are present.
I hope tings settle,I am not going to say good luck because lets face it if you are on this forum you are not having good luck but remember dementia is progressive and sometimes an easier phase arrives
I can answer a couple of things that have been mentioned here as my husband has parkinsons like your Dad and dementia like your Mum.
People with parkinson's are fine to be prescribed an antidepressant it just has to be the one that works with his medication regime. A GP may want to check with his neurologist.
People with dementia as stated rarely have any insight into their disease or even that it exists. My husband was assessed earlier this week and stated we have no children( we have 2) but we have 3 grandchildren so obviously its not just memory loss its logic and problem solving that goes. I think its one of the reasons they blame others because they can't navigate a problem.
Visiting is only worhwhile is your mum or your dad are benefited preferably both. Try and encourage him to take a break and often if your person is hostile its better to stay in the communal lounge where staff are present.
I hope tings settle,I am not going to say good luck because lets face it if you are on this forum you are not having good luck but remember dementia is progressive and sometimes an easier phase arrives
I’m so sorry for your dad, it must feel totally inconceivable that he is in this situation and has his own health worries as well. I totally agree that he needs to grieve this dreadful time and as we all know this takes its own pace. However there maybe a local carers centre near to him where he can find some understanding especially from other male carers.
www.carersuk.org
My mum was sectioned last year, it was horrific but 12 months on , she is stable and content in an environment that can meet her needs. Be gentle with yourselves.
Support where you live | Carers UK
www.carersuk.org
Heartfelt thanks to all of you who have replied. Each and every one of you has assisted with insight and thoughts. I've heard of anosognosia and this is deffo what Mum has. Goodness she is livid with us...her filter has been switched off and she's lost the ability to employ tact or civility to most conversations. We need to let mum settle in her new home, which seems an excellent place so far, and eventually this horrible phase will be over. Also you're right about allowing my poor Dad to grieve. He is already on antidepressants- Sertraline I think and is rather given to morose thoughts. I will concentrate my efforts on supporting him. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I'm going to read him some of your replies. I am one of these irritating people who always searches for solutions but...in this case it is only time that might lessen the pain. Thanks again, being able to participate in this forum will definitely help me.
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